Triggered By New Romance

[CrazyHorse]

Hi friends,

I have been doing well for a really long time! A lot of things have happend over the summer, which now seem to have thrown me off.

Quick review of my summer: In June, I left my boyfriend of three years and my home. We had moved in together in December. I finally realized that he would never change his party/drinking lifestyle (he is 34), so I just left the house one morning and that was that.

I went to stay at my mothers place at a small Island. Her place is beautiful with a huge garden which leads all the way down to a private beach. I had a really nice stay there. It felt so soothing to be in touch with nature, and I do believe it helped mend my grief over my failed relationship. In all honesty, I was not feeling that sad about it. I felt more impowered that I made the decision that enough was enough and dared to take the consequenses of that.

In August, I returned to Copenhagen where I am staying with my lovely brothers and sister in their huge flat. I don't actually have a room to stay in, so I am staying in their living room on a matress. But I am fine with that. Everything is better than keeping house for my ex boyfriend and taking care of his hangovers.

Now, back to the current situation: during this summer, I have developed a close relationship with my brothers friend S I have known for many years. He suffers from combat PTSD and we therefore have some kind of understanding I have never experienced before. The relationship then became physical in the sense that we hugged and cuddled alot. It was nice. It recently became sexual. That was nice too, but it has also triggered me.

I don't really know how to explain it best. My rape happened five years ago. When I met my ex, I was also triggered a lot in the beginning when intimate, but it wore off with time, I guess because I got used to him, if that makes sense? That I got triggered by being intimate with S has really thrown me off. I guess I thought I was 'cured'. I feel like 'damaged goods' all over again. I feel ashamed and angry that I am not cabable of just letting go and enjoy sex without having to bring my past into it. It feels like my rapist is right there with us in the dark. I still have so many rules, and it is such a turn off for both me and him. I hate this! I thought I was past it, and I feel so sad realizing that I proberly never will be! I am pretty sure I have scared S away because of it, which only makes me feel even more damaged and 'wrong'.

Any thoughts and support would be greatly appriciated.

(Sorry for any spelling mistakes. I don't have the energy to spell check them all, and I do spell like a broken arm in English, as we would say in Danish) :-)

 

[bell]

I'm not sure if you have flashbacks or not, but I have flashbacks with anyone new I even try to get intimate with. And it totally sucks.

That being said, some people deal with them better than others. And I get the "damaged goods" feeling, but your post said that with your last boyfriend "it wore off with time," which is a great sign that this will happen with future partners, maybe even lessening eventually to the point where it doesn't happen!

But, I do have to ask, (and this is for you to think about, not necessarily share) was the period it took to be intimate with your ex longer than with this new guy? I.e., could you have rushed into things quicker this time with the new guy? And since he has combat PTSD, he either may be more supportive (because he knows what it entails) or less (also because he knows what it entails!), depending on how he views his own PTSD.

Your past includes both the incident as well as the getting "past it" with your ex. Therefore, it will always be there in some sense (although may in future not really "be" there at all), but so will the getting "past it" part, too. Be easy on yourself, as it was only 5 years ago.

 

[J_trustno1]

I'm really sorry to hear what you've been going through. It's very difficult to be in that kind of situation and that's why I avoid getting into relationships at the first place because of the childhood scars. My best wishes are with you and I really hope you get through this tough time. Is there a way you could seek therapy? You know have someone to talk to about your trauma and trying to resolve your issues one at a time?

 

[ghotiff]

Are you more emotionally connected to this new guy. Are you more "wanting this to work" with this new guy. The additional pressure of either of those two types of feelings can make these types of intimacy issues worse.

Also as partners get to know you, they will learn how to not trigger you as much, so it will get easier partly because they naturally become better with you.

 

[CrazyHorse]

Thanks guys, for your replies and support!

was the period it took to be intimate with your ex longer than with this new guy?

On the contrary :)

I did not really get flashbacks per se. It is more like emotional flashbacks. A sudden feeling of helplesness and the feeling that my body is just a piece of meet being used.

Are you more emotionally connected to this new guy. Are you more "wanting this to work" with this new guy.

Again, on the contrary. I do not want to persue a long term relationship with him. I am not ready for that at all. I guess I just felt safe with him, because we share the condition and I do care for him a lot.

I'm not in therapy. I have been for almost five years, and surprisingly, I only really started getting better when I quit therapy, when I stopped poking around in my trauma all the time. :-)

 

[Momofthree]

I am having this same issue with my partner. We have been together three months now and the first time we had sex I have a full blown panic attack afterwords. I even tried to brake up with him, but he told me I wasn't aloud to do that unless I wanted to do it when I wasn't triggered. He isn't the first guy I have had sex with since leaving my abuser but he is the first one I have had intimacy issues with because I am really present when we are together. All the other times it was just physical and I could disconnect my emotions and just enjoy the pleasure. I refuse to do that with this guy because I want it to work. My therapist told me that this would happen anytime I got intimate with someone new and again at each new level of intimacy. He assured me it was a 'normal' reaction for those with PTSD and that in time and with good communication with my partner it would pass. I hope it helps to know you aren't alone. I am sorry because I know how much it sucks.

 

[bell]

Reading this hoping I find someone I like who tells me I'm not allowed to break up with them. That would kind of rule.

@CrazyHorse, do you think that either the fact that he has intimate knowledge of you that others don't (thanks to his diagnosis) or that you don't want anything long term could be adding fuel to the fire?

And I get emotional flashbacks, too. They are the worst and make you feel so, er, crazy!

 

[CrazyHorse]

It is a good question, bell! I honestly don't know. All of your input has given me something to think about. Thank you for that. Today, I feel better about all of it. I think I will just let the romance part with S go no further and hopefully be able to return to our friendship in some way. I just got word that I have been offered the most wonderful appartment in Copenhagen, with a lovely little garden! Yay! :-) I can hardly believe my luck! I willl use this fall and winter to focus upon myself. Just be sitting in my garden, reading and drinking coffee. (untill it gets too cold to be outside all the time of course) :-)

Does that sound like a plan to you guys or what? :hug: