Any Tools For Learning Who's Safe / Not Safe?

[TLight]

I've always been a terrible judge of character. This leads to repeated retraumatization.
I think on this last 'go around' with the human types, I learned a couple of things:

• Listen to the person's comments carefully. If they put others down, or seem judgmental, you can bet someday they will put you down or judge you. You don't need that.
• Watch for negativity, seven deadly sins: envy, greed, pride, etc......can't remember them all right now, but you get the idea.
• We (or at least myself), tend to treat other people better than we treat ourselves, pampering, etc. Watch to see how much the other person will give back. If you buy them a coffee once or twice, do they reciprocate?, etc.
• Do they have a big ego......a problem with men sometimes. Sorry guys. To me, the ego is necessary, to a point. It's needed for protection from abuse and to enhance our self-esteem to a point. After that.........its self-centeredness.
• Get to know what character flaws are, an alcoholic or dry drunk will display them sooner or later, and you'll get hurt.
• See how they treat other people in their lives. Are they givers or takers?
• Are they complainers.........well, we've all had enough of that, stay away or be around them in doses you can handle.
• When they call, do they go on and on about themselves and their lives, do they even bother to ask how you are? If not, selfish.....you are being used again.

Can't think of anymore right now, but this may be helpful to a lot of people struggling trying to establish some healthy relationships. BE CAREFUL.....we are vulnerable and we don't need anymore damage.:stupid:
That said, part of healing is reaching out.........scary but necessary.:eek:

 

[Shoshin]

TLight,

Great thread. Another one I employ (now that you've made me realize it!) is to watch how children and animals, especially dogs, respond to the person. Kids and dogs are not foolproof, because they are often very trusting, but their body language also sometimes tells me they sense something is wrong. In fact, I call my own intuition my "dog sense" and it has served me well.

 

[sunnydaze]

good pointers this is a saver to reread over and over again.
sunnydaze

 

[upstream]

I mostly listen for empathy in the way that people talk about others, which would be similar to your first bullet point.

A good tool for me has been reading up on personality disorders such as Narcissistic, Anti-Social, Borderline, etc

 

[Cindy]

thank you - Perfect timing

Right on time. For the first time in over twenty years I am even considering a relationship. I'm terrified. I don't trust myself. I've given up on trying to understand people. It's like a game I never learned the rules about. I've had so many people walk all over me.

I know I'm not good at setting boundaries. I know I am too generous and nice. I treat others how I would like to be treated, but it is not often reciprocated. Maybe I don't 'demand' it. I'm trying to figure it out and find the balance.

I had a crush on a guy at work. We did some things on the outside of work and had fun. I was one of the first people he called when he got a girlfriend. UGH! I was crushed. He is a great guy and friend. That is what it will always be I guess. Hopefully there is another Rocky out there somewhere.

I've talked to my therapist about it. Other than doing nice things for Rocky and doing social things I think I didn't show my interest because I don't know how to be intimate or send the cues. Damn this is hard sometimes.

 

[TLight]

Thanks for the great replies guys.

Let's keep this going as we learn how to protect our precious hearts.

I still have a ton of learning to do to. Hate being a doormat, I have needs! Nothing wrong with that.:poke:

 

[spiritofnow]

Challenging our core beliefs

Hey TLight,

Yes an excellent thread :clap:

I am going to challenge the list you created :wink: Only for a positive balance. I am not saying who is right or wrong just playing 'devils advocate'.

I belive that most of us can display the chracteristics of the types of personalities that you listed, at least at some point or another. I have discounted so many possible friendships because they did not always fit into how I believed people should behave......Appropriate boundaries is the key!

I guess the first step is being aware of what your triggers are. Poeple can just use language that can freak us out or make us feel that we are not safe with them. So becoming aware of these can allow you to balance whether there is any real danger or whether it is our hypervigilance kicking in.

Trust and intimacy are two of our psychological needs. However, overcoming the issues surrounding our traumas can make it difficult for us to trust others and oursleves (the world in generral eh!). If we jave suffered betrayal from close relationships in the past this makes it even harder for us.

We have to identify our beliefs about trust first! Once we have identified these then we can challenge these core beliefs concerning trust.

Obviously in the meantime whilst uncovering these dimensions we have to still be able to exist and allow ourselves to connect with others.

I guess in this instance we should look at things like;

• Where did we meet this person?
• Are they a stranger or do other people who know us who know them?
• Take our time to establish whether this is a friendship we want to continue, stand back and be an observer as well as engaged.
• What will their frienship offer us? -(depends again on the environment, work , school, college, social situations etc)
• What do we really want from this?

I have a book that lists the following suggestion as an exercise in learning what your beliefs are about trust:

• What does it mean to me to be able to tust?...
• In what situation do I trust my own thoughts?...
• In what situations do I trust my own jusdgements or conclusion about a person?...
• How would I define the word intuition?...
• When do I feel that my intuition speaks to me? When do I notice my intuition?...
• How else do I become awarw of my feelings, impressions, and beliefs about others or situations?...
• Am I a trustworthy preson?...
• When do I keep promises? When do I not keep them?...
• Do I develop trust in someone gradually or all at once?...
• What persons or groups do I trust? Which do I distrust?...
• When I have to depend on another person I feel:
• I ask others for help with tasks when:
• I ask others for help with my emotional needs when:

Identifying and challenging core beliefs

Choose one answer from the preceding exercise, and answer the following questions about it:

1.What does that answer say about me?
2.Now what does that answer say about me?
3.And what does that answer say about me?
Question 3 gives you our core belief. What is it?

Now examine and challenge

1Does this belief belong to me or someone else? ( my interpretation; like a learned behaviour from a parent for e.g)
2.Does this belief fit with my priorities and goals?
3.Does this belief fit with my values and judgements?
4.Does this belief make me feel better or worse (about mysewlf, others)?
5.In this belief hutful to me in any way?
6.Does this belief put appropriate demands on me (at home, work, or play)?

I hope that this will be useful for some of you.

Spirit x

 

[spiritofnow]

p.s

Sorry it is so long.
Bare with it as I am sure it will be a very useful tool in indentifying who you can and cannot trust. I believe that the core of this issue comes down to trusting ourselves primarily :-)

Spirit x

 

[morgan]

Spirit, that is very helpful. Part of my therapy is challenging my beliefs and looking closely at what they are. Trust issues and setting boundaries are also key. Just everything you said hit home for me. I now know what I want to tell my therapist about what direction I want to take (which we were just discussing) with my therapy. I want to pick up where I left off in the hospital.

Thank you so much Spirit!

Take care, Morgan

 

[TLight]

I agree completely Spirit, it really is an issue of trusting ourselves and appropriate boundaries.

I'm going to do those exercises you listed. Very good stuff.

One more thing I noticed:
When the person sees someone who is emotionally suffering, What is their response to it?
My ex saw a woman in AA who'd been through terrible abuse. She broke down in tears and ran out of the meeting. I went to comfort her, my heart went out since I too know that kind of terrible pain.
His comment was: "She's just beyond hope and she thinks God is going to handle everything."

Should have been a clue to me.

I tend to overlook such clues because I want acceptance. This is definately about trusting myself.

Let's keep talking.

 

[kers]

I tend to overlook such clues because I want acceptance. This is definately about trusting myself.

I do this, too! I have finally broken ties with my best friend of several years because I realized how critical she was of me and how much I took on that criticism. I'm tired of being called "too nice," "too forgiving," "a doormat," etc. I like that I am a kind and open person, and it doesn't have to be a bad thing. Ironically, I found by breaking from her that I am tougher than I thought!

I think the key for learning to trust other people is learning to consider and trust your instincts. Not all of them, but those that make logical sense and also feel right.

 

[spiritofnow]

Just everything you said hit home for me. I now know what I want to tell my therapist about what direction I want to take (which we were just discussing) with my therapy. I want to pick up where I left off in the hospital.
Thank you so much Spirit!
Take care, Morgan

You are more than welcome Morgan :smile:
I am just so glad that what I wrote has been positive for you. I always feel that just by identifying what it is that we wish to change can be profound - taking back our power!

You go girl.

Spirit x