Death Facing Death

[Justmehere]

For most of us with PTSD, we have survived a life threatening event, or seen someone near us suddenly die, or suddenly losing someone close to us to death.

We suffers are all survivors. We all went through an event involving death and survived. Yet someday, we will all die. How do you handle that reality? Do you try to ignore it, think about it, turn to religious or spiritual practices, talk to others about it?

For myself, I can remember asking my parents at 5 years old what happens when we die? My mother said she didn't know. Since then, have wrestled deeply with the fact that we all die someday.

I have been through trauma where I believed I was going to die on 4 occasions. I remember thinking every single time, "Really God, this is how my life ends? Now? Here?" Then came the thoughts of "NO STOP." and "God, please take me."

I have had what some call a "near death experience" due to one traumatic event that happened as an adult. I had an experience I can't quite even describe. It was profound. It was more real and more amazing than anything I have known. When I was coming out of that experience, I was mad that God brought me back.

I have been suicidal at times before/after this experience. I have wanted death to come - no, not so much death, but the ending of pain at all costs. I lost the will to live.

I have also feared death. Even sometimes in those very moments where I wanted to cause my own death, I have feared death greatly. It's kind of a daily thing with all that is happening in the world lately - and yet even then, I think it is more about pain and suffering, being alone, and facing the unknown. I fear losing even my abusive family members to death. Really.

I am really wondering how others handle this, struggle with this, in any way at all, any part of this. I really need to "talk" about this somehow, and I live in a culture that avoids talking about it. My trauma and PTSD make it extra complicated to talk about. I know a lot of people scared about death, but not anyone with PTSD who has faced real threat of possible imminent death.

 

[Lolly]

I'm one of Jehovah's Witnesses so I believe that after we die we will be resurrected into a perfect paradise earth. This really comforts me as my little sister has tried to commit suicide 70x (as well as be in other incredibly dangerous situations I can't talk about; she also has PTSD and DID), and she has a new attempt pretty much every week. So losing her is a very real thing for me. To know that if she did pass away, I could have the chance to see her again where she is safe, well and happy and I will never have to worry about losing her again.

So, to answer your question... I do try to ignore the idea of death. I'd happily welcome my own, but to lose my sister would honestly break me, to I try to think about it as little as possible (although she is always talking about it!) And yes, I turn to my religion for comfort :)

I hope you're doing well, and find the answers to your question soon. Take care :)

 

[RussH]

As a child I feared death. And I think that it is the idea of being put into a box and put under the ground that made me the most afraid.
I have since become a christian, and believe that death is a transistion from this life into the presence of Christ.
I have also noticed that; as I have grown older, I have become less afraid of the idea of death, and this past year I would have almost welcomed it.
I have learned to not fear death, but to realize that it is just another cycle of life. As for the grave? My wife and I have decided to be cremated. it is a lot cheaper:)

 

[Sadlybella]

I am just just waiting for the time to pass so I can die. I am sad and lonely and I here and I wish I wasn't. My dogs keep me going

 

[intothelight]

There were several times in the past that I honestly thought I was going to die at the hands of my ex. It was sudden, terrifying and completely out of my control. The images are flash frozen as is the terror associated with those images as it is so fast and sudden that their isn't really time to process it and when it changes back in the blink of an eye, you go along as though nothing happened to protect yourself. It is a strange dichotomy that I can't really express in words, but the results were a major contribution to my PTSD and many times the anger, fear, helplessness, etc. were turned inward towards myself leaving me depressed, disassociated, suicidal and without a sense of purpose or self-worth.

Fast forward to a few years ago and I received a shock in the form of a cancer diagnosis. I can't say I handle the diagnosis with any sort of grace and was full on flight mode at the time. However, this is something that will eventually be the cause of my death, not today, but in time. I am not afraid of dying as that is just part of life, but I am afraid of wasting any more time. It took dying to make me want to start living and my biggest regrets are the parts of life I spent wanting to not live, checked out, or in the depths of depression.

During the same period, within three months, my daughter and my cousin also received cancer diagnoses. The fear of them dying hit me to the core and it is much harder to deal intellectually and emotionally with their illness. Afraid, yes but also valuing every single minute, hour and day we can have. It also taught me that nothing is certain and to not take anything for granted. I believe in an afterlife, but not so sure exactly what that looks like as PTSD has a tendency to crush you spiritually.

Death has taught me to appreciate the present and living in the present isn't a "tool", it has become a way of life.

 

[Hashi]

@Sadlybella I'm sorry this is so hard. It's a sad way to welcome you to the forum but I would like to anyway. If you want to, you can post a thread in the Introductions forum so more people can greet you. I just wanted to let you know that maybe only a few members will read this thread because of the specific topic. Either way, sending you good wishes.

 

[Hashi]

I died during trauma but came back. I did not have a good "near death experience" (actually a death experience). As a result, for a long time I was terrified of dying. I've worked on that and feel differently now, but it's still the reason I could never kill myself however much I wanted to. I don't believe that suicide automatically brings a bad death experience to anyone, and I don't necessarily think it would for me now. I just would never risk bringing that on myself by deciding my own time to die.

The experience was of what happens immediately. Added to that is the long term "after" which I still don't know about. So I also have that wondering and possible fear of the unknown "after death" that many people have.

I've worked on this a lot in therapy, initially with a somatic therapist. First he used craniosacral therapy to help me release trauma energy from that previous experience. Then we used imagery and guided meditation to help me connect to good death experiences generally, and to image the kind of death experience I wanted. All of it - the situation leading to death, the way of dying, the transition itself and the time after. Sort of over-writing everything that had happened and the dread it had left me with.

This made a huge difference, and I'd recommend it to someone even if they hadn't had a bad near death experience. Thinking about the kind of experience of death you want isn't the sort of thing people usually do or talk about, although it's less unusual if it's for spiritual reasons or perhaps because of illness. But it gave me something beautiful and comforting, and removed some of that feeling of absolute divide between life and death which I think is one thing that makes it so scary.

I also worked on it with my psychotherapist, and talked with her about what I thought an afterlife or afterdeath might be like. The longer term, that I haven't experienced anything of. For me, it has been helpful to think about what it might be. I suppose many people would say that's a spiritual approach but I would call it transpersonal or metaphysical. Beyond the personal. Something that's bigger than me as an individual. A sort of energy or experience that we are in.

I can't possibly know what afterlife/afterdeath will be like. It has just been helpful to have some sort of concept of it, then to acknowledge that it might not be that at all. I won't say everything that I imagine , but one thing is that this life we lived here is seen/remembered with a different perspective, and everything that was in it is resolved.

I don't follow any religion and wouldn't even call my approach spiritual. Metaphysical ideas, like Jungian concepts, are what help me. They don't separate things out so much between ourselves/other people, or this life/the next life/other lives, or our energy/the bigger energy around us. I've found it possible to feel some sort of connectedness between this side and the other side of death, and with that it's less frightening to me.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I believe that souls will travel through different life experiences to develop themselves. Souls can't learn being just souls -they'd be abstract, without form. You can only learn if you are able to experience language, communication, emotions, birth and death.

I had a near death experience that was unrelated to my trauma. I was a kid, like twelve or thirteen, and swimming in the Atlantic at the canary islands were we lived. The beaches there are quite treacherous, the depth differences are enormous. I had a huge wave come at me and grab me, push me under water. I struggled to come up but I couldn't.

After a while, I thought I wouldn't come back to the surface -I thought that it was my hour of dying -so I quit struggling. A deafening silence and peace seemed to envelop me as I let go. I remembered the good moments from my childhood, the trust I used to have in everything as a small kid, the people I loved despite what they did to me. It was very soothing actually. When I'd made my peace with dying, I was shoved back up to the surface.

I don't see Death as an end. Even in tarot cards, Death is never an end. It is more like a door to the next thing you're going to go through. I used to be afraid that my next life would be full of suffering too, but I'm not anymore -I have learned lessons in this life and am quite positive that the next life could actually be fun. Who knows? People change. Wounds are healed. Suffering is just a temporary thing.

I don't think I'm scared of death, but I do not want to leave Life yet, because something in me is telling me that things change for the better, and you have to grant yourself the chance to experience the happiness and love that are possible.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I wonder about death all the time. It's my biggest fear. I won't even go near talking about it usually because I know that no one can really tell me what it's like. I have beliefs. I have faith. But I also know no one can tell me for sure what happens. I used to believe enough in what I thought "heaven" would be like that I wasn't afraid of dying, just afraid of what would happen to those I left behind. But now, after coming so close to death, I have tons of questions. And it's one of those things I wrestle with because I know we will all die some day. I want to live each day and experience life and love life, but I can't seem to do that. So the best way for me to deal with the wondering and fears of death is to avoid the topic as much as I can. I wish I had a more helpful answer.

 

[Lionheart]

I like to believe that death is just a passage back to where I came from and in this way I have less fear of death than I did before I formed this belief. I prefer to think of death as a part of life and not the opposite of it. Scientists have discovered that "energy" doesn't die or end but rather transforms and so I like to think of death as a trans-formative journey back "home".

I do however, fear the way I will die. I hope that I will not die tragically, painfully and/or suddenly, that I will be surrounded by family and friends when my time comes, and that I won't have a lot of unfinished business. There has been enough sadness and pain in my life and I just hope that my death won't add more negativity to a world that seems to already be full of it.

 

[Chava]

I don't remember any bright light or near death experience but woke up in the hospital as a kid after several days unconscious and hooked up to machinery, and I just wasn't "here" really. I was just like in another world or sort of half here and there, or half dead. There was only one other kid in PICU playroom with me one day, then she never came back, so I assumed she had died...by that time I suppose people had tried to explain what was going on and that all these kooky strangers and machines and tubes attached to me were to save my life, or something like that. I had lots of questions about God around age 5, too, and none of them matched my understanding, which was quite strictly non-religious. It still is (not saying that's the right answer, it's just been mine), but it resonates perhaps most closely with Vedanta or some early Hindu understanding. I do feel like spiritual world was transported more inward or elsewhere and had little to do with the church we went to. But I settled for myself that, if this girl had died, she was okay and taken care of regardless of her religion.

Mainly I've had issues believing I will live or have a future. A lot of my worst symptoms and behaviors have landed me back in ER. Feeling healthy is the creepy part. I think around the time a future or good health seemed like a possibility, I also started noticing sensations because I had to...my numbness and recklessness was destroying me. But all the body sensations were like too much information. My body freaks me out and more in recent years I feel like I might be dying when I'm not (just panic or something). I don't think about death much...just have these feelings. If I have any thoughts on death, it's that I want to be okay if I'm alone but know I can somehow return to the earth, or like Mother Earth. And I hope this isn't too much to say, but mostly I'm pissed off that I'll probably be drained of my blood and filled with toxic preservatives and laid into a totally contained and isolated box, cut off from the world. I've heard a little more about the science of what we can do with the body and it might change, but I'm sure there are all kinds of regulations I don't care to know about right now.

Anyway, the god connection isn't working for me, at least not now, and I have absolutely no conception of an afterworld. But I do want to feel connected to the earth, that somehow I'm at least part of the tao, natural cycle of birth, death, rebirth, etc, and that it's not so isolative and scary. Maybe because of my own experiences, the way we typically deal with a deceased body freaks me out. I know I won't be "here" to notice but I really hate those ideas of final rest.

 

[JustBe]

@Sadlybella ,
I hear you. When my Depression is deep I feel the same way. It will pass. Just hang on to your dogs and live each moment with them until the darkness lifts a bit. That's what I do.

@Justmehere ,
As a child, I feared death for myself and my family. As a young mother, I feared losing a child or leaving them unprotected. Now I do not fear death. When my Depression deepens I wait for it, impatient for the pain to end. After a Depressive episode I don't wish for it but I don't fear it.

Mostly I think it will be a peaceful relief.