Death Facing Death

[scout86]

How I feel about it depends on the day. Or maybe more in my frame of mind. Alone, in the middle of the night, it tends to be scary. Other times, not scary at all, and others, it would be a welcome relief.

I hope I die outside, on a beautiful day, doing something I love. Somehow that seems like it would make it "ok".

You're right, this isn't exactly a standard topic of conversation in most circles! I have had a few friends that were up for this kind of conversation. They tend to be either people with terminal diseases or people who probably have PTSD. I suppose being close to it somehow makes talking about it seem more natural

 

[joeylittle]

I was raised going to church (Lutheran). When I was a kid and wanting to die, it was because I thought there was somewhere better I would be going to. My vision of heaven was kind of like a big yard, really big. But I stopped believing in that after the trauma. I tried for awhile to believe in something like the soul continuing on its journey, but that never became a solid belief for me.

I believe everything stops and that's it. I think I might have this belief in some adaptive self-preservation way; I know if I believed there was anything after this life, I'd be infinitely more likely to make sure I got there sooner rather than later. So I'm very careful to just leave it at nothing.

The times I think I might have been dying during my trauma, or near-death, I was very aware of my body not wanting to die, and a feeling of panic. It only became calm once. I wish it could be calm, like the way anesthesia has worked the two times I've had it. I would like to just go to sleep. But I doubt that is how it goes, for most people. I think that it is probably a struggle, unless you die when your body is ready to stop.

I think looking at all the different ways humans relate to death is so moving, and interesting, and teaches me how infinite the mind is.

 

[Chava]

I think looking at all the different ways humans relate to death is so moving, and interesting, and teaches me how infinite the mind is.

I like that. And thanks for posting topic @Justmehere .

 

[Hashi]

mostly I'm pissed off that I'll probably be drained of my blood and filled with toxic preservatives and laid into a totally contained and isolated box, cut off from the world. I've heard a little more about the science of what we can do with the body and it might change, but I'm sure there are all kinds of regulations I don't care to know about right now.

I'm not sure what you mean by all kinds of regulations. In the UK you can specify while you're alive the kind of burial (and funeral) you want. I did a quick google and it seems that there are alternative types of burial in the USA too - like natural or woodland burial.

Here, there are funeral directors who take care of all the details and regulations, just as there are funeral directors who take care of the details and regulations regarding traditional burials. I don't know if that's the same where you are.

I hope I'm not misunderstanding. I just wanted to suggest it because I hate the thought of you thinking there's nothing you can do if there might be a way you can choose what you would want.

 

[Chava]

Thanks @Hashi ....I probably don't feel okay looking into it, so fell back on helplessness thinking without totally realizing it. The standard funeral home and burial seems expected in my family and I don't feel okay talking with any of them about it. But I could someday mention to my sister maybe. She'd be uncomfortable with me even being serious about it, but she's probably the easiest to mention it to. I don't know about what the "spirit" does. To me the standard version of being laid to rest just seems like being invaded and trapped for all eternity! Anyway, you aren't misunderstanding. I probably shouldn't mention "impossibilities" I don't want to investigate...probably has more to do with feeling okay talking to my family (I don't!).

 

[Saint Nik]

How do you handle that reality?

I can have thoughts that I want to die, begging to die with physical or psychological or even emotional pain I am in! Or I can be in chronic panic and fear, with these terrifying images of imagining myself dying the most horrific death, then being dead and being aware of nothingness, being trapped and stuck either in darkness, or in the body, etc. That means I think I will be aware of death (that's just a thought) how can anyone be aware of death? Awareness means to be alive. How can you be aware if you are brain dead? Doesn't make sense. Took me a while to get this into my head, that it's impossible to be aware of anything when you die.

Another thing that helps me with thoughts of death, is my birth. That was a traumatizing experience I have no recollection of. I was pushed through a dark, tight tunnel, had been surrounded in fluid for 9 months, isolated and heard muffled voices through a wall. My head is squashed as I am pulled out from the birth canal and I am forced to breathe in this gas called air as it fills my lungs for the first time. I scream and have no idea it's me screaming. I am put with another being (my mum) and have no idea who the hell she is or what I am doing here. I don't even remember it, but it happened! In a way, my birth was just a thought and I wasn't aware of it at the time. Will death not be the same? Both are natural what is there to be scared of?! Wasn't the beginning of my life traumatic enough when I was born? Isn't death going to be easier? Birth is holding on, death is letting go!

Alan Watts once quoted: " To be happy is to know you were once sad. To know you are in pain is to know you felt pleasure. So how do you know you are alive? Could it be because you were once dead?!"
It's philosophical, but it always gets me thinking :)

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

Honestly, I welcome it. Life is exhausting for me. Though, I still feel like I have a little bit of purpose left, mainly concerning care for my pets.

 

[Gadgie]

It's not until you have come so close to death, and looked it straight in the eye, before you realise just how precious life is.
Or if you have brought some other person back from the jaws of death, and watched people struggle to stay alive, gasping for a breath, that's when it hits you, and hits you hard, really hard.

That's explains all the guilt I felt after coming so close to taking my own life, I feel so ashamed about that now. If only I had remembered all this on that desperate night, when life didn't seem worth living for me.

I thank God that I'm here now, it's so easy to forget important events in our lives, and the times when we did make a difference to other people lives.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

To me, death is life..at least in another, much better form. And, if it isn't..if it is simply nothingness..that is fine also. At least there is no more pain..

 

[Gadgie]

I feel sorry for you, as even through pain, stress and depression, there is hope, and some good times do appear now and then, just make the best of them, good luck.

 

[void]

I like to believe that death is just a passage back to where I came from and in this way I have less...

I respect your beliefs.

You have, however, mis-characterized what Scientists say and I am going to set the record straight.

Scientist have discovered and proven the Law of Conservation of Energy, yes.

Scientist do not say anything about the afterlife...full stop.

Scientist cannot and do not study the concept of an afterlife because it cannot be tested, verified, falsified, etc...

 

[Anna11112]

For most of us with PTSD, we have survived a life threatening event, or seen someone near us suddenly...

You just described me in this post, i cried even a little , I have two serious fatal accidents happening in my lifestory one when I was 11yrs old and the other at 17yrs old , I am at this moment and during last year realising how much baggage I´ve carried with my ptsd symptoms destroying literally 20yrs of my life and having my mind occupated on death expecting it to happen any minute,
Now I am on the road of a self discoveriy, understanding why I was the way I was.
I am in EMDR treatment and been for tha last 2 months , my first real attempt to work on this matter, it has done me good , I can feel change inside me but at the same time as I get a little bit wholer I feel how broken I really , really was without knowing it.
Thank you for your post here the simularity in it to me moved me and sorry for this long post.

Afraid of death but not so keen on living either