Me, Seeking Self Isolation : Her, Being Abandoned - And Other Vicious Circles

[Lolly]

I know I don't have experience in this area, so don't feel obligated to read this whole post lol!

I only realised I had PTSD a year ago, and as I learn more about it I realise that I have been suffering with it since I was a little girl. Ever since I can remember, I distanced myself from people. Because of this, I don't have a close relationship with anyone in my family except my best friend (but lately we've drifted apart), and it is hard for me to make friends. People like me when we're around a lot of people, but the moment we're one-on-one they realise how quiet and distant I am. I don't talk about myself, I tend to answer in short sentences, and I do not like being close to them. On the inside, I freak out if I'm sat next to someone, or they hug me, etc. People interpret it as me hating being in their company, so they stop talking to me. So, having no friends, I retreat even more!

There is a special guy in my life, though (we're not dating, not ready yet), and I don't even have to say anything to him about it, he just seems to understand me. He has no idea I was abused etc, but he knows that I've had a rough life and deserve to be looked after. I'm very lucky to have him. He's the only person in my life who I can just relax around, not have to worry about being yelled at or worse.

So, yeah... thank you for reading this far! I just want to say that I understand completely how you feel, and I hope you meet that special someone soon. Take care :)

 

[Deleted member 28360]

@scout86 thank you for that perspective! I've read the book "Once a warrior always a warrior" and it was such an amazing book. Hearing everyone's insight of why they isolate And how space is soo important and what to do and not do. I respect my vets space. Isolation actually happened after I brought up my concerns and I presented them in a non threathing manner. I posted under the supporter relationship yesterday. Most of the time, I feel as if I have to keep my mouth shut to not anger him.

 

[scout86]

I brought up my concerns and I presented them in a non threathing manner.

Remember that it's possible for YOU to intend something to be non-threatening and yet it still might be perceived as threatening by someone else. We all have our ideas of what "IS", but they aren't always the same. And, there are all kinds of things that might seem "threatening" too.

It is a good book, isn't it? :)

 

[Deleted member 28360]

It really was a great book! I haven't texted or called since he last contacted him and I replied. Giving him space until he contacts me and praying.

Thank you all for your insight and advice. Sending hugs.

 

[Determinedone]

@Bookoffee
I can only hope my husband will one day soon be able to communicate like you do with your wife. Thanks for sharing your story.

 

[Determinedone]

@Ghostybear73
Some of the things you describe are identical to what my spouse does. It seems the more space I give the more he wants.

 

[saraheart]

I just purchased the book "Once a warrior always a warrior." I'm hoping this will give me insight on everything that's going on. So far, it looks very insightful.

 

[Anarchy]

@Cj77
Sorry for paging, I don't know how to do links with the interface I'm using.

 

[Wastinglight]

If things get uncomfortable, or boring for me, I retreat and self isolate

I can see now, how that came accross to my SOs at the time as me not caring or being moody and un-available, and eventually as abandonment.

How do you deal with it, or explain it to an SO, that it really isn't anything personal? I've been single and in hermit mode for a few years, and I'm coming out of it now, are some personality styles better at understanding than others, I know it really hurt one lady who has some borderline traits, and brought out the very worst in her.

Hi @Anarchy. I can relate to what you've written - from the other side of the fence. I hope you don't mind me giving a "supporter" point of view....

Your behaviour sounds very similar to that of my (now ex) bf. I never withdrew from him - on the contrary, I always tried to reach out to him. He withdrew from me many times, especially in the first few months of the relationship. I read up on PTSD and visited this forum as much as I could, and tried to cut him slack, tried to be patient and understanding, and be there for him. The whole way through the relationship, I did my best to be supporting and understanding. Every day I tried to be that for him. But it was hard to keep doing that every day, and it hurt, more than I can express, when he withdrew. And yes, it felt like abandonment. Tears are rolling down my face just thinking about it. Eventually we moved in together, and I thought things would get better after that, but they didn't, they got worse. He withdrew even further, and became critical and distant - to the point that some days, I felt like he didn't even like me anymore. But when I tried to talk to him about it, when I asked him what was wrong, he said everything was fine - he was just tired. It's fair to say that this triggered my own anxiety and trust issues, and regrettably, I ended up snooping on his computer - it was the wrong thing to do, but I was going out of my mind with fear and worry - at which point he broke up with me. I still don't quite understand what was going on inside his head, but perhaps he viewed my affection and support as clinginess - maybe he felt smothered?, or maybe he even lost respect for me, for making too many allowances. I did get the impression that, by the end, he had no respect for me whatsoever.

So, in answer to your question about how to explain it to an SO: if you would like my advice, as a former SO.... all I can say is, just keep your SO in the loop. If you explain it a certain way and they don't understand, or it doesn't help them, think about it some more - talk to your support group/T/people on this forum, and try again. Keep trying. And them know, as often as you can, how much they mean to you. And never say everything is fine, when it isn't - even if you can't talk about what's going on at the time, make them a promise that you will discuss it with them as soon as you are able. Pretending there's nothing wrong just insults their intelligence and hurts them even more. Keep the lines of communication open. At the very least, they will see that you are trying your hardest. And that is important.

I don't know if that helps at all, and I can only speak from my own experience about what happened with my ex, but good on you for trying to figure it out. That is definitely a step in the right direction!

 

[Purplemunchkin]

To be fair, hubby's never been a major isolator.

However, he has a very good friend who also has PTSD who does isolate, and just recently the non-contact started to really affect hubby's well-being. Thankfully the friend got back in touch, and they had a good chat.

They have come up with a system whereby if hubby sends a text saying he is very concerned the friend will respond with any letter of the alphabet to say he is coping, just isolating. If he sends any number, at any time, that means he needs help (as in call 999 help). And if he doesn't respond at all to hubby, then after 3 texts hubby will contact his daughter who lives a few minutes away and has a key.

Not a system that will work for everyone, but they both seemed to gain a sense of security upon agreeing it. Here's hoping it works...

 

[Anarchy]

This might be of interest,
https://www.academia.edu/7840898/Why_Do_Men_Distance
You might need to sign up to academia.edu (its free) to download it.
Bergner's stuff is really good, I highly recommend spending some time reading his published papers.