Relationship Dating A Vet And Need Advice

[spiritgirl]

I’ve been dating a guy for the last 3 months who was in the army for the last 14 years (he left 2 years ago) and has PTSD and is open about it. He is having counseling thankfully. He blows hot and cold and has complicated situation with his ex wife and their kid. However we’ve had a good relationship until this last week.

Personally for me I haven’t been in a relationship with a guy for 5 years and so I did the neediness thing at first and then we had the ‘I need space’ talk I backed away, which worked and he came right back.

My situation is not easy, I also have a child and I’m bicoastal, so I have a place in NY and LA. He is in NY and I’m moving from LA to NY in the next 6 weeks.

After an amazing impromptu night last Sunday, he has gone cold again. But that was the night I found out that I had to move from LA to NY sooner than anticipated. He was lovely, supportive and caring at the time. 3 days later I sent a light text saying ‘Hey Handsome, wanna do something tonight or tomorrow?’ and I got a text saying ‘No not a good time’ which naturally sent me into a spin, but I remained calm to him but my girlfriends are seeing the reality.

Having researched PTSD and all other signs this is a normal thing. He is a workaholic and does all the classic PTSD things.

Two days after that text, I called to see if he was ok and left a message which was light saying just that.

So after several signs and also passing him in his car yesterday I finally sent a text saying, “Just swinging by to say Hi, and to let you know I’m leaving Wednesday. Would love to squeeze you if I can before I leave. I know you need space, so no pressure :)”

I’m starting to nose dive as we all do… and think that I’ve sent the wrong text.

So any thoughts or insight would be appreciated. I’m leaving for 3 weeks, and then I’ll be gone again 5 days later…

My plan (if I can keep sane lol) is to leave it now and see if he contacts me before I leave, and if he doesn’t, go back to LA start the plans to move and cry into my pillow (seriously I’m joking about that but I'm sure I will shed some tears).

However, I REALLY like him… so any thoughts or suggestions would be most appreciated to help me with this one. He is a genuine and beautiful man.

Thank you in advance and I'm so glad that there is a space for this.

 

[Little Flower]

Hi spiritgirl. I new to the sight as if this week. My PTSD is not combat related. I'm on the other side of the coin. Abuse. But u are gonna find so much support here. I got welcomed by longtime members into private or chat room and we can so relate to each other. Some are sufferers. Some survivors. Some like u supporters. Welcome to the site I'm sure some vets or spouses will respond
Peace

 

[spiritgirl]

Thank you little flower, for swinging by and introducing yourself, I really appreciate it, and its once to know that we are all not alone in this dance. I like to call it a dance because every day is different depending on the music that is playing ;-)

Have a beautiful day xx

 

[Sighs]

Think long and hard about whether you really want to be on this roller coaster. Do NOT go into it expecting things to change / him to get better. Feel free to PM me if you would like. I'm the daughter of a combat PTSD sufferer and now the partner of a combat PTSD sufferer. (yeah - I know - Freud would LOVE to analyse me... ;))

 

[BrokenBird]

@spiritgirl Your name is very apropos! I admire your positive attitude and outlook.

Honestly, if you wouldn't have mentioned the LA/NY thing, I would have swore we were dating the exact same man! Lol. I could've wrote your post myself.

I agree with @Sighs. Think long and hard about what you're investing and what you're worth. I had to get off the ride. Also, you have a child to think about as well. Granted, every situation is different, but this site is a great resource. I returned all the PTSD books I borrowed from the library after I decided I couldn't do it anymore. The unintentional neglect and loneliness I can't handle, mostly since I personally require lots of touching and sex. I'm like half Samantha, half Charlotte if you get me. ;)

Someone on here kindly suggested 'Love Must Be Tough' by Dr. James Dodson. I started it this weekend and highly recommend it.

My ex is an amazing man and I'll always love him. Sounds like you've found a great one also, who's fortunately getting help. Best wishes to you. Xo

 

[spiritgirl]

Thank you BrokenBird, I really appreciate it, and Sighs, I think I PM'd you but I'm not sure. I am ready and willing to take this on, and in fact the more that I am reading the more I appreciate him and his needs and not only that, the more I appreciate what I need for myself. I am very self confident and I can stand on my own. I travel extensively and so there will naturally be some space in our relationship.

I am also well versed in depression, grief and other things like this. I am not a shouter and I have done a lot of therapy and understand communication and the way to handle things and also how I am important in all of this. He actually commented on my approach and asked where I had learnt it, and I told him. I was not afraid to tell him that I have had my own difficulties in life.

I am ready for the dance... as I like to call it... we have space right now for 3 weeks. I sent him a card to tell him I was here for him. I wasn't expecting to see him before I left but he came around and I have text him to tell him I am safe in LA but nothing. I am waiting for him. I will give him a week and then I will pop in and say hi... I'm not rushing and I know that this is going to be worth it at the end. I am not trying to fix, I'm just here as his support, love and friend.

 

[Larksong]

@spiritgirl Your situation sounds almost uncannily like mine with my combat PTSD guy--I keep seeing on this forum how the basic patterns repeat and repeat for so many of us. I'm new here too and have found more wisdom, support, and helpful advice than anywhere else, so welcome! You sound like a lovely and very worthy person, and I just wanted you to know I'm pulling for you and your guy. I feel ready for the dance too, now that I understand it a lot better after going through 2 years of his "pull close-back off" thing. Until I found this forum, I went through that in complete ignorance of PTSD being behind it.

Some of the best things I've learned here:

Don't take things personally. Someone on here wrote, "have skin like a rhino." :)

Good emotions can be as stress-producing as negative ones. Loving someone can produce feelings of terror and the need to escape (something alien to me but seems very common to people with PTSD). One person told me love felt like being stabbed with a thousand knives. We supporters often get pushed away at each emotional milestone of a relationship, or when it feels like we're getting too close. How we're supposed to know if it's really the end or just a milestone marker we need to get past with them, I don't yet know...maybe we just have to use our best intuition, be respectful of them and honest about our own feelings, and hope for the best...

Don't expect his behaviour to follow what we've experienced in non-PTSD relationships. He has a different way of viewing the world. I find nothing in my previous relationships to have prepared me for this, so I'm trying to visualize working with a clean slate. In a way, that seems very freeing. :)

Try to suspend judgment about things he does that don't seem to make sense to you. And don't disturb the way he arranges his surroundings or organizes his things.

Stay calm, but be assertive about your right to be respected.

Keep all expressions honest and clear: They seem to be hyper-vigilant for anything that seems "forced" or "fake." I also find that my very brilliant guy doesn't seem to get "irony" or teasing from me, that he can be maddeningly, childishly literal around me, esp. when he's about to isolate. I know that people keep saying not to play the usual romantic games with people with PTSD, like trying to make them jealous...maybe because that goes to abandonment issues.

"Feelings are facts" to someone with PTSD. I keep repeating this over and over, over and over, to myself. Some minor incident you may have forgotten about could be traumatizing or triggering him. (The first few times my guy did this with me, I felt like my head was spinning, because what he was upset about seemed so trivial and forgettable. But to him, it wasn't.) Someone else wrote that people with PTSD often make "mountains out of molehills," but to them it really is a mountain. In a way, it's nothing but a different perspective they have.

The most important: Keep yourself physically and emotionally strong and well and keep up a great support network: People on here with PTSD have said over and over that we don't really help them by walking on eggshells, or diminishing who we really are or being overly self-sacrificing. We also don't help by trying to fix all their problems: I keep hearing that they really just want someone to listen without judging.

Wishing you strength & blessings!

 

[saraheart]

Larksong,

Thank you for your post. I have been reading PTSD forums over the past few weeks trying to figure out my situation and your post sums up everything that has been going on. I have been dating someone for a few months that is a vet from the Afghanistan war. He was stationed on the front lines. Your line about "don't judge this relationship like any other relationship you've had" is very true and what my intuition has been telling me. He is very hot and cold with me. When we are together the connection is there and he will text me the next day to say how much he enjoyed himself. Then he disappears. This last time, he really opened up emotionally. Told me he had nothing to hide from me, and about some of his time in the war. He ended up curling up in my arms and staying there for quite awhile. He has never said he has PTSD but I'm fairly certain he does by his subtle actions and the way he lives. Again, he told me the next day he had a good time, I texted him a few days later to say hi and to set up a time to get together again. Once again, he has disappeared. Usually I would walk. But I don't think he's doing it in the typical "guy" manner. I don't think he knows what to do or how to deal with his emotions. So, thank you. I was thinking I should let this one go but I really don't want to and I don't think he wants me to. Though, I do think it's going to be a long journey.

 

[Larksong]

@saraheart I wish you and your vet all the luck in the world! It is so hard for us who are "supporters" sometimes. I'm only just realizing myself how completely different this is from anything else I've known before, and so glad my words could help you. There are no easy answers with someone with ptsd, it's every bit the rollercoaster many other supporters here describe it as, and it can be brutal...We each have to decide for ourselves what our boundaries are, and I don't think there are many dramatic epiphanies--it's a hard, often lonely road, and we can't let ourselves romanticize it too much. But for those of us who see something very special in our guys, it can turn into something very lovely, we just have to take it a day at a time and constantly understand that our own emotional and physical well-being is paramount, both for them and for us.

 

[saraheart]

I agree. I find though, I struggle if this is PTSD or if he is just being a typical guy. Is the isolation really happening because he has to run away from me or is it because he can. When I think it's anything but PTSD, nothing else makes sense. He has never said he has it but the signs are there. He's only just begun to open up and I don't know if he ever will fully. Every date we go on and get closer he disappears. One time for 2 weeks. Right now I haven't heard from him in almost a week. The last date was intense emotionally and I don't know if he can deal with it. It's hard. It's very hard. I can handle if it's PTSD, I can't handle it if this is purely an act of selfishness. I have no idea at the moment how to tell the difference. But your words helped because it mirrors what I'm going through.

 

[Larksong]

@saraheart Likewise, your experience mirrors mine so closely, it's almost eerie. If it's any comfort at all, I have wondered the exact thing you are: Is it the PTSD talking, or does he just not want me anymore? And like you, when I try to think my way through it, absolutely nothing makes sense in any rational world other than PTSD. The last time my guy broke up with me, it was after a particularly intense, but very positive, emotional encounter we had. I read on here a lot that guys with PTSD run away just when things get very close/intense. Good stress is as bad as bad stress--I don't think their brains can wrap themselves around the difference, the reaction is the same. Make sure to read about the "stress cup" in Anthony's article on here, which helped me a lot.

 

[saraheart]

Its funny, when I talk to my "girl" friends they look at me like I have two heads. How can I possibly think this person is interested if he doesn't call or answer my phone calls/texts. I look at them and think, you know what, you're right. But when I walk away I say to myself, "but this was said and done and nowhere in his behavior does it say I'm a game player who is just looking for a good time." I analyze and examine the situation over and over hoping to find an answer other than confusion. Even just a hint that's he's not worth my time or he's a jerk and I can't ever think of anything that speaks in those volumes. I know if I give him enough time, he will come back (only if I go to him, he wont come to me) and he will be more vulnerable. I don't know if one of these times he will be gone for good. It's only been a few months but I hope not. I see potential in this one and I see a kindred spirit. I am at a place where I haven't talked to him in a week. I have never been in this situation before with a man. Usually, this behavior tells me to jump ship. But this time, it's different. I'm at a loss. I'm so glad I found this site. If my relationship is to go anywhere I have a feeling I'm going to need some support.

I haven't read Anthony's article. I'm going to read it now.