Undiagnosed Hello, New Here - Traumatic Childhood

[floating]

Hi, I'm guessing it's pretty obvious I'm new here. I'm 20 years old, I live in the UK. I'm not currently diagnosed with PTSD, although I think I may have it...
I also study Psychology at university.

Growing up I was sexually, physically and emotionally abused by my brother (only my two closest friends know about, one was told unintentionally as she was trying to find out why I was freaking out, the other I decided to confide in myself). It happened when I was very young, and he is much older than I am.
I was also physically and emotionally abused by my dad (he's almost been arrested multiple times - my mum always said she didn't want it to go any further, so they never do/did anything...). I get intrusive thoughts/memories relating to what happened to me as a child, as well as flashbacks and nightmares. I'm not sure how to cope anymore, but I'm scared to go to my GP about it - I'm worried they'll think I'm lying because I've kept it to myself for so long.

Uhm, yeah, so that's me. Ask questions if you want? I don't mind.

 

[whserenitynluv]

Glad your here :) if you have any questions, feel free to ask.

 

[anthony]

Hi @floating, welcome to the forum. You're brother obviously needs his testicles cut off, along with his dick... just my opinion though, for sexually abusing his sibling. I'm really glad you're here and helping you, by being with others who just "get it." Well done.

 

[floating]

Thanks for the welcome, guys!

@anthony
I know logically he is in the wrong, but I still blame myself? I wish I knew how to feel like it wasn't my fault. I think it's what prevented me from telling my mum about what he was doing, but I'm not sure. :(

 

[Lolly]

First off, welcome to the forum. I hope you find this a safe place to talk :)

I'm scared to go to my GP about it - I'm worried they'll think I'm lying because I've kept it to myself for so long.

I was really worried about this, too. I am also 20, and I was sexually/physically/emotionally abused by my Dad. I only told my GP last year, and she has been incredibly supportive. GPs will know that most people wait YEARS after the abuse has happened before they tell anyone, so they will definitely believe you. I really urge you to make that leap forward and tell your GP, as they will not only be able to diagnose you with PTSD (which will help a lot for you to get therapies etc) but will be able to come up with ideas on how they can start your treatment rolling.

If you're very nervous about coming forward to your GP, perhaps you could take one of your friends who knows what's going on? It might give you some well needed support and confidence. I did that, as well as write down what I wanted to say at the appointment, that way if I couldn't say it, at least I would be able to show her :)

Take care :)

 

[floating]

@Lolly

Thank you. Yeah, my friends have offered to come with me - they're all just busy I guess, I don't want to feel like a burden on them, so I don't want to ask again. Also, I know it seems silly, but I'm scared that the stuff with my brother will some how get back to my parents - they don't know about what my brother has done. I don't know if they'd believe me if they found out. I'm not so bothered about my dad believing me (I mean he hates me anyway), but if I lost my mum I'd be devastated... He is so manipulative and would probably be able to convince them that I was lying or something. :(

Sorry to hear about what you went through, it's awful. I'm glad you got went and asked for help! Are you doing any better at all? How lond did it take for you to get treatment? Sorry for all the questions.

 

[anthony]

I know logically he is in the wrong, but I still blame myself?

The problem when we're kids, is that anything bad that happens, our fault or not, we think we're going to get in trouble for it, thus it becomes negative to us and we internalise it. Logic says otherwise as an adult, but the problem is that you've internalised this from youth onwards. It's hard to change a childhood learnt behaviour, let alone a childhood learnt internal logic. As a child, it was logical to hide this and not get in trouble, as an adult, you know different... but your internal monologue fights with itself over which is right. Child or Adult?

To be perfectly honest, neither is right nor wrong now, because both decisions have repercussions, and it is only you and your life directly affected by your choices and decisions. Trauma is tough upon a person, no doubt about that.

Do you feel you're to blame though for the abuse itself, or the act of keeping it a secret from your family and others for all this time?

 

[floating]

@anthony

True, I do have vague memories of him trying to get me into trouble, I guess I just believed him...I mean, why wouldn't I? And you're right, it's hard to change a thought process like appointing blame to the correct person.

Both really. It started when I was roughly 4 years old, my nan died around the same time - my brother was really close to her, maybe it triggered him. But I'm not totally sure when it ended, I blocked out a lot of my childhood from about 6-10 years old, haven't the faintest idea of what went on, so I don't know when he stopped abusing me. So I think that they'd probably say "well if you kept it to yourself for over a decade then obviously it didn't happen" (or some variation, my mind over thinks things).
But mainly to blame for the act it self. It happened so often, and in my head it means that I must have done something for it to happen, provoked him or whatever? Although, logically speaking if someone else went through the same thing I wouldn't think they were at fault for what happened.

It's so confusing...

 

[anthony]

But mainly to blame for the act it self. It happened so often, and in my head it means that I must have done something for it to happen, provoked him or whatever? Although, logically speaking if someone else went through the same thing I wouldn't think they were at fault for what happened.

That is the pickle of trauma, right there, absolutely. The blame game, especially when internalised, is never nice. Something you have to accept, is that you are the victim. Unless you're the abuser, which I'm not reading, then you are the victim. It can be as hard to realise you're a victim as it can to voice the issue to begin with. Who wants to be a victim? Right?

So I think that they'd probably say "well if you kept it to yourself for over a decade then obviously it didn't happen" (or some variation, my mind over thinks things).

Now that is a negative thinking style, and that you have to change. You're thinking on behalf of others. Sure, some people may say just that to justify things to themselves, trying to push aside the fact that the abuse happened. Family often do this when someone raises abuse. It's like making them choose between the abuser and the victim, when in reality, they have no such choice... because you can't change how they feel about anyone, but instead they have to accept that it happened and then deal with that more aptly.

Perfect world though... which the above is unlikely to happen and your thinking, whilst futuristic and on behalf of others, also isn't wrong. More just who does it, and who doesn't, will be the issue for you.

 

[floating]

@anthony

Exactly. I don't know I feel weak? Like admitting to being abused makes me feel weak. Don't know why though. I also think that because I blame myself I can prevent things from happening in the future, too? It's like a barrier to keep myself safe, I guess.

I think you're right on the negative thinking style...I'm just super scared I guess. But they can't tell my family without my consent? I'm over 18..so. It'd be up to me right?

 

[anthony]

Everything is up to you, yes. You get to decide for you, that is the beauty of choice. It is also the angst of choice, in that choice can bring positive or negative, or both.

Is it important to you that family know about the abuse? What do you think will happen if you did tell them?

Do you feel your GP will tell someone if you go for diagnosis?

 

[floating]

@anthony

I feel like if I don't tell them that he's "gotten away with it", but I don't want them to know because of the anxiety surrounding them rejecting me.

I don't know...I hope not. It's just paranoia. I think I'll definitely ask for some help at some point in the next few weeks, I don't want this to affect my degree more than it already is. I can't let the abuse ruin my future too.