Not Doing That Great.

[desiderata310]

Why does everything feel like it's falling apart?

NOTHING feels safe anymore. The noise outside my apartment. There are new people living in the complex who keep their windows open and argue late into the night. I have started sleeping with my door closed but even then I can hear them. There are new cars that I haven't identified, and I finally realized that (even with the door and window closed) traffic starts early which is waking me up at 4 even when I am sleeping "well".

Even therapy feels like...I spent the entire weekend dreading going in today.

I went out today to go shopping. I NEED new pants. I literally have two pairs of jeans to my name and most of my t-shirts are pretty much threadbare. I rode down and walked in to the store.I walked in and couldn't stay. Chest started hurting and it just became too freaking hard to breath. I got to the jean section but I just couldn't figure out what I was reading and after about 10 minutes or so I all but sprinted out of the store trying to catch my breath. At least I can buy stuff on line.

No.. ok.. there's a decent amount of stupid stress that's been happening.
-work was a horrible stress ball full of idiots and jerks and H came close to seeing me really go ape shit.
-My oldest returning... Oh my f*cking god. He just needs to leave already!
-The interview process for a key position.
-My fiancial situation just keeps getting worse and I can't find a cheaper place to live.
-The car wreck.
-And... Therapy just no longer feeling even as safe as it used to at the old place.

I was hoping I would be able to sort of sit in that back area and center a little but when I realized that it was not private or open, I was left with the far end of the alley. On the plus side, it's pretty quiet. I could hear a mouse fart at a 100 paces. I could hear my therapist cough as he got out of his vehicle on the far side of the building.I walked around front. My therapist was already inside, lights on. ok... steady lady, we can do this. Deep breaths. Remember, we made it through the meeting with the boss yesterday and even managed (by leaving the fingernail marks in the chair) not to jump EVERY TIME (just most everytime) someone let the doors slam to the admin office. Though, to be fair, he was beginning to wonder by the end of the conversation if everything was ok and even asked.. I was close to tears when I left but I made it.. I got all the way downstairs before I turned into a snotty mess. At least it was a short meeting...

We can do this... right?

Well, evidently not.

It's 3 hours later and my chest still hurts so damn much. I don't remember much of what we talked about. The frustration of work, H... my therapist questioned me about my running and cycling... I tried to explain pool running... unsucessfully... I babbled incoherently about open water swimming.. No clear line thought... just mindless babble.

I was TRYING to come back to something that resembled normal... I tried faking it.If I can pretend to be ok, I'll be ok, right? Just keep breathing... Go back to the little post-it in the corner covering the big crack in the corner put there for my benefit that said "Have a nice day" with a smilie. I may need new glasses, it went blurry and I couldn't read it.
I kind of wandered.. brain squeeze...therapist asked questions. I kept trying to remember that he wasn't angry at me ... f*cking waterworks... I'm bawling again. I know he is. I KNOW he is angry. He can't NOT be angry. I was actually a normal person two weeks ago. I think, right? I mean, I remember walking out of that session feeling pretty damn good. I checked back in my journal. Now I'm fighting to stay there. The room was huge and I was so damn small and every little noise was so goddamn loud. WHO THE f*ck IS OUTSIDE?! ok... it's ok... stay here.. WHO THE f*ck IS IN THE OFFICE!?

Such a failure. What? 30 minutes and we didn't talk about ANYTHING.. did we? He was taking notes.. I think... who knows. f*ck it. crazy ass bitch.

Did I want to run out the front door? Try the back door. I just want OUT I want to never be seen by anyone ever again. Rode home as fast as possible. I refuse to come out tonight. I don't want to talk to the boys or anything. I just want to hide.

I sent a text to the Psychiatric Service Dog lady. Hopefully she will call me back... just... not tonight.
I'm going to see if I can back out of next week's conference tomorrow.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Why does everything feel like it's falling apart?

I was just asking myself the very same question. I am sorry that I can't offer any comfort other than you aren't the only one feeling this way right now and I am not sure that's much comfort.

 

[scout86]

I sent a text to the Psychiatric Service Dog lady.

This is a big deal! Way to go!! I know you've been thinking about it and probably dreading it, so good for you. Especially when otherwise things have been pretty rough.

Why does everything feel like it's falling apart?

My T says that I'm "not allowed" to ask myself questions that begin with the word "Why?" If absolutely necessary, it's ok to ask him, but not myself. Recently, he's made exceptions for "Why" questions of a more scientific nature (Why is the sky blue?) but reluctantly. In this particular case, you've asked a question that would get me the "reframe the question" look if I asked it. (Just sayin'.....)

I don't have an answer for you. (One of the reasons I'm not supposed to ask this kind of question is that they usually don't HAVE an answer.) I can tell you what it's NOT, though. It's not that you're a bad person, or a failure, or hopeless, or helpless, or stuck where you are now forever. I'm 100% sure about that. I suspect that your session wasn't quite as bad as you think it was, from your T's perspective; It reminds me of some times when I've thought the same thing. Later, when we talked about it, my T said, "I didn't actually know any of that was going on." (Duh! Because I hadn't SAID anything, I just THOUGHT it and then figured he HAD to know what I was thinking. He's scary smart and very perceptive, but actually not much of a mind reader. Who knew?)

My opinion? What this is, mostly, is a phase. You've had a lot on your plate. More than you give yourself credit for having. It affects you, because you're a mere human, even though you've been led to believe that's not good enough. All that stuff about stress meaning something and affecting people? It applies to YOU too. Really, it does. (I say this, speaking as a person who often thinks, "Yeah, I know how that works. I should be able to skip tall he steps involved just because I know how it's supposed to work. That means I automatically ought to be able to do it 100%, right now, right? Turns out it's NOT right, but I've been really slow at picking up on that.)

This too shall pass? Hang in there @desiderata310 !

 

[desiderata310]

This is a big deal! Way to go!! I know you've been thinking about it and probably dreading it, so good for you. Especially when otherwise things have been pretty rough.

This was me conceding defeat yesterday. My therapist didn't bring his dog in which in the past has made a really marked difference in how I dealt with therapy and The ... I don't know what to call it... panic attack? at the store for no good reason.. I can't say it wouldn't have happened but maybe I would have faired better? I don't know. I haven't been shopping because I can't stand doing it. I've gotten worse there rather than better. And I keep telling myself it's a pandora's box thing and that it'll get better but it just never does.

I suspect that your session wasn't quite as bad as you think it was, from your T's perspective

I think I will disagree with you on this one. We've been having trouble getting me IN to therapy(noise because of construction) and then able to TOLERATE therapy (again the dog was a huge help there), and trust issues and ... yeah.. you name it.. but I've always been able to do MOST of the session. That is to say that I have been doing a 45 minute session (instead of a full 60). By 25 minutes in I was reduced to tears just from the stress of being IN THE ROOM with NORMAL noises around me. (the neighboring offices opening and closing doors, etc) He finally looked at me and said, "you really want to run out the front door right now don't you?" to which I broke down into big ugly weeping tears and wailed "NO THE BACK DOOR!!"

He stood watch in the hallway (there's a CPA that shares the office with a big booming voice that scares the shit out of me) and I ran out as fast as I could. I think that my assessment of that is pretty accurate and he probably kinda knows that I was falling apart... call me crazy!:wtf:

 

[scout86]

OK, that does sound kind of bad...... I'm still sure he's not mad at you. Worried, maybe, not mad. That last bit? My T would have laughed if he's said "front door" & I'd said "back door". I'm not sure what he'd have done next, but he'd have laughed a little at that, I think. We've actually talked about "running out of the room", He says it's fine, as long as you come back.

As far as the dog goes, I really think you deserve to hear, from you, that it was a victory. You might have had stuff that pushed you into doing it, but you still did it.

crazy ass bitch.

If we were standing together somewhere, and someone called you that, I'd tell them they were wrong. I'd more than likely say WAY more than that, but I wouldn't let it go unanswered. You're not ANY of that. Period. You're just not. You have some stuff you're working on, true, and a bunch of challenges in your life, true, but you aren't ANY of "that". :locktopic:

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I agree with what @scout86 has said about not being able to ask "why"! My dad tells me the same thing all the time. My priest tells me that, too. You will *never* get an answer to the "why" question and really, the whys don't matter. My dad just tells me that I'm not allowed to know the whys of it all. (I'm a spiritual/religious person so I am able to take that at face value. Not sure if that will work for others though.)

 

[Rumors]

Just remember that most things in life are just construction noise.... The only time I stop is to listen to the orchestra play, otherwise I pay no attention to the rest of the crap. If you pay more attention to the construction than to the orchestra, you are going to miss out on something that could be beautiful and meaningful. Just because construction noise has a rhythm doesn't mean it is worth listening to..
If I am anxious about being somewhere or doing something, I put my earbuds in and listen to my favorite music that brings me good thoughts... Good luck!!! I am hoping you can move past the noise and get to the orchestra!