Posers And Apologists

[Bill Dickerson]

Has the board seem to be suddenly filled with Members who answer posts with huge automated responses that seem to come from text books or Members who seem to have no experience with PTSD.

It often feels like college students looking around for themes for their papers or areas to discuss in their philosophy class.

Then it seems I get more and more people who want to make me feel better by saying how sorry they are I'm sad. Some to think it's their lot in life to apologize for the world so I will feel better.

I don't want to be mean but if I wanted that I would go out and buy myself a Hallmark card.

I don't come here for that. It's very frustrating.

Is it just me or does anyone else sense the change?????

 

[darrenS]

no i havent noticed any major changes , some younger ones , but overall a pretty good bunch, i sometimes get cynical and derisive , but manage not to express it , as im aware in some instances it is my mistrust in its worst forms. Im not going to send you a hallmark card :) but am going to wish you the best for your day.

 

[Jen93]

I don't want to be mean but if I wanted that I would go out and buy myself a Hallmark card.

First of all, like the sense of humor. :D If you weren't trying to be humorous, sorry.

Secondly, unfortunately this is what happens with forums, people leave and new people come. It doesn't make it better or worse, just different.

Thirdly, ask yourself what it is you do want. Then, let people who respond to your posts know. We are well-meaning, but what's right for one person might not be right for another.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Are you referring to replies to your own posts?

Some don't have advice but want to offer support. I've personally been unable to offer you any advice even though I could identify with your feelings in your last post. Actually I'm glad I didn't waste my time giving you support now that I know this is how you would have thought of me!

If you dont want that kind of support, say so in your post rather than get pissed off later when people give you the wrong kind of support (according to you). We're not mind readers.

 

[digger]

Members who answer posts with huge automated responses that seem to come from text books.

I've not noticed this particularly, there are some people who post longer responses than others, and I have to confess I tend to skip them quite often because my head switches off half way through if it's too long. I don't have the best attention span! So maybe I'm just missing these ones. (The issue there is with me though, not the responder - just a clash of styles really. And, to clarify, if it's in response to one of my own posts I will persevere, because the person has taken the time to try and say something to me)

Then it seems I get more and more people who want to make me feel better by saying how sorry they are I'm sad.

I understand why this might not be something that you personally find helpful, but for some people, that someone has been moved by your post enough to take the time to comment, might provide some validation and comfort.
I agree with @Jen93 on this point. Work out what sort of responses you do want and be clear in your original post about that so people don't waste their time and energy responding in ways that you don't appreciate.

Everyone on this site is fighting their own battle in some way. I don't always like every response I read, but I do try and keep that in mind, and that, most people, responding are doing so out of genuine concern or support.

For repeat 'offenders' there is always the ignore button ;)

 

[Ghostybear73]

I have always hated it when people says sorry, its like you didn't do anything, why the hell are you sorry......BUT, I am learning that it is a person's way of understanding, maybe not what you are going through, but the fact that you are feeling the way you do.

So in essence, what I am saying is if you get out of the mindset that sorry means people are feeling sorry for you and into the mindset that people say sorry as this is their way of trying to let you know that they understand, it might help. It has for me

If it is still something that sets you teeth to grinding, maybe stating at the beginning explaining what it is you are looking for in a response, may help ease some of your frustration

Ghosty

 

[scout86]

I don't want to be mean but if I wanted that I would go out and buy myself a Hallmark card.

I don't come here for that. It's very frustrating.

Well, what is it you DO want?

I generally read your posts but don't reply. Why? Because my dad always used to say "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all", I guess. And, I've had thoughts about your situation and things you might do, but couldn't think of a "nice" way to say them.

You sound like you've kind of decided to be stuck and aren't really looking for solutions, or actually DO the things that might make your situation better.. You seem to think that your mother has some kind of obligation to structure her life to make yours easier. What's up with that? You're an adult, right? Parents are supposed to get you to the age of majority, that's the end of their responsibility. One would hope they leave you able to go from there to live your own life. However you get there, they have no further obligation to you, far as I can see, once you're an adult. If they want to do more, fine, I guess, but they don't HAVE TO. If you don't like where your mom is living, MOVE OUT.

JMO.

Is THAT what you were looking for?

 

[Bill Dickerson]

If you dont want that kind of support, say so in your post rather than get pissed off later when people give you the wrong kind of support (according to you). We're not mind readers.

Well I'm glad nobody out there is a mind reader since what I'm thinking isn't very nice.

Sometimes I don't know what kind of response I want..... I If I did I don't suppose I would post in the first place.

I just get a little miffed when the responses feel like the Xmas card you get from the Dentist. It's a nice gesture but the card is for their benefit not yours.

If the response sounds like the dissertation for the Social, Sexual, and Political ramifications of "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" I stop reading.

It just feels like strangers a lot of the time. I know there are good people on here I'm just a little (a lot) frustrated.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

Hey Scout try reading my Mind right now.........not very nice is it.

 

[scout86]

@Bill Dickerson , I try NOT to engage in mind reading. I'm not good at it and it's not productive. What I offered was my opinion. No more, no less. What you chose to do with it is entirely up to you.

You're sort of demonstrating that I guessed right when I originally decided not to reply to most of your posts. You don't want someone to just say nice, reassuring things. Fair enough. You also don't want my particular opinion either, near as I can tell. Also fair enough. But why ask questions if you are going to be critical of what you get for answers?

 

[bell]

Gee, I thought that @scout86's response has a lot of validity. Why? Because you do seem to be stuck and waiting either for your mom to die or for someone else to make the changes for you. Harsh? Not nice? Yes. But honest.

And sometimes when people post it's just what the OP *needs* to hear, even though it might come as a shock because they can't see the forest from the trees. I'll take a wake-up call any day if it helps me rethink my situation. I don't even have to agree with them, but it usually is hella worthwhile to *consider* their viewpoint, because 99% of the time, there is a kernel of truth in it.

Personally, I think there have been a ton of "woe is me" posts on here, which I find largely unproductive, as online fora are usually meant to help people work through their issues by providing other viewpoints, not to keep them stuck. I've been stuck before and it's literally the worst place you can be because you stand still, therefore, *choosing* to make yourself miserable instead of trying out possible solutions. And why should I comment/cheer anyone on about that?

 

[Bill Dickerson]

Scout86 I like the last post at least it expresses some feelings and thoughts that are productive.

You sound like you've kind of decided to be stuck and aren't really looking for solutions, or actually DO the things that might make your situation better.. You seem to think that your mother has some kind of obligation to structure her life to make yours easier. What's up with that? You're an adult, right? Parents are supposed to get you to the age of majority, that's the end of their responsibility. One would hope they leave you able to go from there to live your own life. However you get there, they have no further obligation to you, far as I can see, once you're an adult. If they want to do more, fine, I guess, but they don't HAVE TO. If you don't like where your mom is living, MOVE OUT.

Your above statement wasn't nice but it does explain that your ignorant on a lot of the issues. I am stuck but not by choice.

You must be a young person (I could be wrong) who doesn't have to take care of their parent. I am stuck there by choice.

I don't think you have ever tried to deal with an 83 year old stuck in their ways. Ever tried to push a truck that is stuck in the mud up to both axles.

It's taking more and more of my money (on disability) to pay what she can't. I can't afford to buy a cheaper place and she will eventually run completely out of money. When she is gone I'll be living in the bed of my pickup. We can get something now but soon it will be too late. The opening for something to be done is growing smaller all the time. I am being somewhat selfish. If we get something now in both our names I can continue to take care of her and I won't be living on the street in ten years.

Scout86 I'm frustrated and angry but I do appreciate you comments. I just hate Hallmark cards.