Posers And Apologists

[JustBe]

Dear Bill,

Not to the point of this thread, but I want you to know I do understand the stress, strain and isolation that caring for our aging parents can bring.

For me, it is an opportunity to heal old wounds and build a healthier relationship and I am grateful that we have lived long enough to be given this second chance at healing.

I have no platitudes or solutions for you. Just thought you might want to know that you're not alone.

 

[catjudo]

I hope I don't regret this, but I'll give this a go. I've seen your posts. I've never responded because you come across to me as aggressive, argumentative and basically intimidating...I was extremely apprehensive of responding and ending up in some sort of disagreement with you.

I'm sure I haven't read even most of what you've posted. But the posts I have seen all seem to be basically the same thing... You want to move. Your mom agrees and then changes her mind. Sometimes she changes her mind on her own. Sometimes she changes her mind because your sister interferes. You think it's not fair. You think they're ruining your life.

I'll respond to the details based on what I've read or what I recall. If I have something wrong, it is an innocent, unintentional misunderstanding. Feel free to correct me but I would ask that you do it with some degree of kindness. There is no reason to blast me, talk down to me, try to make me feel stupid or be passive aggressive with me over an unintentional misunderstanding. Please remember that I also have PTSD (as do others here on the forum) and opening myself up to that kind of response from you is basically risking my own sense of safety and stability in order to attempt to help you. Even if what I (or others) offer isn't helpful, sometimes it might be useful to at least consider the spirit or intention with which it was given.

So basically what I understand of your situation is that you're living with your mother. When she eventually dies her home will become part of her estate and subject to being divided up among you and your siblings (sorry, I'm unclear if your sister is your only sibling or if there are others). This would mean you would either have to buy out your siblings' interest in the home to continue living there or the house would be sold and the profits split amongst you and your siblings (or however your mother has stipulated in her will). It seems you don't anticipate having the ability to buy out your siblings share in the house so the result would mean that you would have to move. You are in a panic because you don't believe you will be able to afford to live anywhere else. If that part so far is accurate, it seems like you are relying on your mother financially. You've said that she's draining your finances, but if you're living in her home and can't afford other housing then you are also getting a financial benefit from the situation.

You want your mother to sell her current home and help you buy a different home. I'm assuming this is because you don't think you can qualify for a mortgage and purchase the home without your mother's help. This new purchase would be in both yours and your mother's names. Then when she eventually dies, because your name is also on the deed, you get to keep your home and it doesn't become part of your mother's estate...your siblings get no part of it and can't make you move. (Which, honestly, seems like a sneaky, calculated way to keep them from getting part of your mother's estate just because you either feel entitled or you're panicked about your future living situation. Either way it's not exactly fair to your siblings.)

But the person it's the least fair to is your mother. If your mother doesn't want to do this, quit trying to pressure her into it just for your own personal gain. Is there a true benefit for your mother in this plan? Or is it all for your benefit? Because I think I've only really read how it benefits you. Many elderly, understandably, do not want to move away from a home they have lived in for years. Some even decline rapidly once forced into moving. If she doesn't want to move, don't make her. Does it occur to you that maybe the times she has agreed have been mostly because she feels pressured by you and she's trying to avoid upsetting you? The fact that she always changes her mind or drags her feet on taking any steps toward making your plan a reality speaks volumes. It sounds to me like she doesn't want to and you're pressuring her for your own benefit.

It may be time to accept that this "Plan A" of yours isn't going to happen. Maybe it's time to dust yourself off and come up with a "Plan B".

 

[Bill Dickerson]

I hope I don't regret this, but I'll give this a go. I've seen your posts. I've never responded because you come across to me as aggressive, argumentative and basically intimidating...I was extremely apprehensive of responding and ending up in some sort of disagreement with you.

I'm very plain spoken and that may come across as aggressive. I will admit I'm argumentative but that just passion in my exchange of ideas. I don't intend to be intimidating but the passion may come across that way.

(Which, honestly, seems like a sneaky, calculated way to keep them from getting part of your mother's estate just because you either feel entitled or you're panicked about your future living situation. Either way it's not exactly fair to your siblings.)

I am being selfish in a way but realistic also. My Mom has enough saving to put a good down payment. The idea is to sell the house and use the equity to place back into savings afterwards. She should have more after getting into another house so it's more of a zero sum gain. She has reached a tipping point where her cost (because of the house note) are outweighing her income. From this point forward she will have to draw more and more from her savings. I am panicked since it feels like impending doom as to the money situation. If we use her money as a tool now to get into a cheaper situation all the better but if not it's a downward at ever increasing speed.

Another selfish or realistic point of view depending how you look at it. I've been putting my money into repairs and improvements for years I 'll never recover that. I have two sisters. My oldest sister and her husband have been supported by myself and my Mom(neither of us can afford it) for the last several months.

I've talked to her many times over the last few years and said I'll see if I can find a place but only if she really wants to move. She says yes and I ask if she's sure and she says yes. I know she won't move if she doesn't want to. She has the stubbornness of an old mule. She doesn't do anything she doesn't want to. It drives me nuts. I find a really good place and she starts dragging her feet and looking at other alternatives. Now the situation is more dire.

Didn't bite did I and I haven't shot anybody.........well not lately and they did deserve it. I've been trying to cut back. All that blood is ruining the paint on my truck. (Read: Dark Humor here)

 

[scout86]

I'm very plain spoken and that may come across as aggressive. I will admit I'm argumentative but that just passion in my exchange of ideas. I don't intend to be intimidating but the passion may come across that way.

I don't know Bill, I'm starting to like you!

Maybe the session with you T will help with your mom. My T has actually been a ton of help to me, dealing with mine. (What he keeps telling me is "I wish you would learn to think of these people as just being interesting." By which he means my biological family and interesting as opposed to threatening.)

I suppose she's afraid of change. So many people are. I suppose you have to find a way to balance being "the leader" in this situation, giving her a source of confidence and courage, with being so pushy that she digs in her heels just to avoid being pushed. Tough job!

If she agreed to selling the current home, is there any chance you guys could buy a place with the purchase being contingent on the sale of her house, rather than buying the new place, and using her savings? I know it really doesn't make any difference in how the numbers work out in the end. For SOME people, though, it might make a difference in their head to "not have to dip into savings."

However this goes, good luck with it.

 

[anthony]

I'm sarcastic as f*ck... so I get it.

 

[user27357]

reading this thread has made me wonder if you think you have improved anything for yourself or for anyone else on here.

Help comes in many forms. Heres another attempt at help: maybe you could try ignoring the posts that you find aggravating.

If you find my attempt at help aggravating, please ignore it.

 

[catjudo]

Is there a possible scenario where you might purchase a new home on your own, without your mother's assistance? Have you looked into all of the different financing options to see if there is something you might qualify for?

Once you've purchased a new home then maybe things won't feel so scary or uncertain to your mom and she might decide to sell her home, put the equity in her savings, move in with you in YOUR house and help with the expenses as much as she is able. And if she decides to keep living in her current home and not move in with you it sounds like eventually her finances will leave her in a position that she has no other option. I think everyone would hate to see it come to that, but as you say she's stubborn and not going to do anything she doesn't want to.

It's admirable that you're trying to look out for your mom's best interests but you have to look out for yourself as well.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

I don't know Bill, I'm starting to like you!

What's not to like. Bizarre sense of humor and I get better looking everyday.

I suppose she's afraid of change. So many people are.

Scares me too.

If she agreed to selling the current home, is there any chance you guys could buy a place with the purchase being contingent on the sale of her house, rather than buying the new place, and using her savings? I know it really doesn't make any difference in how the numbers work out in the end. For SOME people, though, it might make a difference in their head to "not have to dip into savings."

Maybe but six of one and a half dozen of the other. Using the savings or house equity as a tool to get something else as I see it is the best option.
I would prefer to rent the house out. The difference in rent and mortgage payment far outweighs the interest she can get in a money market account. The Mortgage company I checked with on the pre-approval didn't like this idea since it put outflow vs monthly income out of whack. There are a lot of variables on renting the house.

reading this thread has made me wonder if you think you have improved anything for yourself or for anyone else on here.

Sometimes it's just the act of writing that helps.

Help comes in many forms. Heres another attempt at help: maybe you could try ignoring the posts that you find aggravating.

The aggravating ones are sometimes the best insights. Besides I'm kind of a you get what you give.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

Is there a possible scenario where you might purchase a new home on your own, without your mother's assistance? Have you looked into all of the different financing options to see if there is something you might qualify for?

I have excellent credit but on SSDI the income is too low for anything. I spent all of my savings years ago on treatment.

 

[scout86]

Any chance you can find a seller that would do a contract for deed? That's how I bought my place, at least to start out. (I had just moved here and they wouldn't loan me any money until after I'd lived here a couple of years, which is complicated if you don't have a place to live. Seemed obvious to ME.....)

Maybe but six of one and a half dozen of the other.

It is, at least to you and me. I don't know how your mom feels about it. It's possible that "dipping into savings" is a big enough deal in her mind that it adds to the stress and fear she feels, adding to her waffling.

 

[JustBe]

Sometimes it's just the act of writing that helps.

I agree. That's why I journal here and offline. It releases some of the pressure in my mind and more often than not, brings a bit of clarity to my thoughts.

 

[Tanishq]

When you write people speeding tickets or bust their door down, take their dope, take their money, and then them to jail it has a tendency to make some a little put out with you.

Yes, I understand your reasoning.

Believe in you why you feel stuck there because all the stress has caught up your head in every way. I hope you find some solutions to work out. Best luck. :tup: