I Hate Myself

[Notsowild]

I am not a nice person anymore. I am irritable, cranky and moody most days. I do not fit in anywhere. I dislike most people. The ones that know I have PTSD think I should be over it. The ones that don't know treat me like I don't exist or walk all over me. Really what's the point of existence? Is there a life outside this forum?

 

[Intrepid]

Over the last few years I let go of the idea that I will ever be like other people. I'm who I am, with all my quirks.

If anyone says to me I should be over it, then the PTSD becomes none of their business. I don't handle shaming well, and have a low tolerance of it from others. "Should" in that context is a shaming word.

But at the same time, I've lived in dissociation. That has left me very hard to read. No one related to me when I was experiencing the worst of the symptoms because there was nothing to relate to. For the most part my personality was flat and unreadable.

As you recover you will find that you get noticed more, and get more respect. At least that has been my experience.

 

[GWhizz]

@Notsowild I am going through similar at the moment too. I find when I'm by myself I can feel happy in myself but when around others I become cranky and snappy for no reason. And it's like a switch I just can't control no matter how determined I am or will myself not to. I even said to my partner the other day, that I was a nicer person before I met him. That I truly feel I would be better off alone, that I don't deserve him etc. He reassured me that it's not my fault. That because of all the crap that happened to us in the past, we find it really very difficult to just have and enjoy normal relationships. He said it's a learning process and that he believes in time I'll come around and stop fighting the people who do love and care. I hope he's right because I'd honestly given up on that idea. I get what you mean about the people who know and those that don't. I don't really tell anyone other than my significant other. But even my psych team have really agitated me telling me it was years ago and my current feelings should now pass very soon - no pressure right! And I find in work I get no support and probably push people away because they don't know and just think I'm a very defensive person.

Sorry I can't tell you it gets easier. I hope it does for both of us and those around us.

 

[Tanishq]

Notsowild, it takes a while to find really good who are meant to be in our life. You are not alone in this. I am also hanging in here for the same reason. It will take while.

Yes, there is life.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@Notsowild - I can relate. That probably doesn't much because I am not out in the world with you. I had the most amazing experience when I went to the ER last week. The ER stuff itself was completely horrible, but there was a peer supporter. Talking with the peer supporter gave me so much hope that there could be a better life- not one free of struggles, but definitely worth living. There is a whole organization fairly near me that has created a center where people with mental illnesses can go and be together. Maybe you could look around you area and see what there might be. I have not sought out the center yet, but the idea is appealing. Anyway, I am wishing for you that tiny (or big) spark of hope to head your way so you can find something to strive for. Believe me, I am not feeling all rosy and happy right now, but the hope I helped me realize I do want to keep going.

 

[bell]

@Notsowild, see? It's not just you. Reading similar posts from you plus the conversation about being stuck on another thread, what do you want?

Do you want to stay like this? Or do you want to change? It sounds like you're stuck in a negative loop with no hope/help in sight. The good news is that it really, honestly, doesn't have to be that way. Yes, PTSD can bring us all down, but it is up to us to not let it win... by going to the ER when we can't take it anymore, by daring to change our thought patterns, by proactively getting help for ourselves, by ceasing to see the PTSD diagnosis as the end all be all and decider of who we are.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Yeah I think a lot of us can relate. I used to hate my own guts because I was so lethargic all the time. The only thing I did was be very pissed off at everything.

But I think that may be a good sign. Apparently something in you wants to do something about it, but doesn't know what. But there's some things you can try to see if they help with your irritability and the moods. Herbs work somewhat for me. Exercise. Yoga. I say the same things on nearly every post about this, but that's because there really isn't another way out of it, other than taking action.

Hug if you want one Notsowild!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I hate myself too, but now the shaming is here onthe forum by others who think i should leave (yes, I've been told so) because they say I've been here too long and should be over it by now. It must be nice not having my repetitive obsessive thoughts! I'm working on it though.

 

[Intrepid]

Don't leave, Solara. Remember that everyone on here is a little off. I've really appreciated your posts, including those when you are struggling. I think some people just want us to be perfect so they don't have do deal with it. (I sometimes wish I was perfect so I didn't have to deal with me. No such luck!) I think some people want to have the answer, because the struggle can be so difficult to watch. (I rarely get the answers when I need them, even from well meaning people).

Again Good luck Notsowild! There will always be people who muddy the waters of your recovery. But those people don't have to define you.

 

[Notsowild]

Yes please don't leave @Solara... Your knowledge of this disorder has helped me so much. And your "straight to the point" responses are a much needed kick we sometimes need.

This forum would not be the same without you. Don't listen to those people. Some of us really love and respect you.

 

[Notsowild]

Over the last few years I let go of the idea that I will ever be like other people. I'm who I am, with all my quirks.

If anyone says to me I should be over it, then the PTSD becomes none of their business. I don't handle shaming well, and have a low tolerance of it from others. "Should" in that context is a shaming word..

Quirks.... I have a few lol. I just feel that I can't fit in anywhere. I was odd before PTSD ( but then I have complex PTSD from childhood) so maybe I've always been that way. I like that " Should in that context is a shaming word". Wish I had your self acceptance.

But even my psych team have really agitated me telling me it was years ago and my current feelings should now pass very soon - no pressure right! And I find in work I get no support and probably push people away because they don't know and just think I'm a very defensive person.

Sorry I can't tell you it gets easier. I hope it does for both of us and those around us.

REALLY!!!! They said that! Wow holy pressure. I've never had that from my psych doc. She's been very supportive and worries about me. I sometimes feel my T thinks I could be better the way he talks but that could be just me. Maybe I'll ask him.
Ah the dreaded work... Still have my formally abusive but now phonily sweet boss. No stress there lol.
Thanks for your response. Yes I wish you well too on our crazy journey. Glad I have this forum.

 

[Notsowild]

Notsowild, it takes a while to find really good who are meant to be in our life. You are not alone in this. I am also hanging in here for the same reason. It will take while.

Yes, there is life.

Fitting in anywhere is not my forte. So having PTSD just makes it worse. My T keeps wanting me to go out. But the big bad world scares me. I don't want to feel worse when people give me these strange looks. Okay where is life outside this forum where we fit in?

@Notsowild - I can relate. That probably doesn't much because I am not out in the world with you. I had the most amazing experience when I went to the ER last week. The ER stuff itself was completely horrible, but there was a peer supporter. Talking with the peer supporter gave me so much hope that there could be a better life- not one free of struggles, but definitely worth living. There is a whole organization fairly near me that has created a center where people with mental illnesses can go and be together.

That's great! I'm so happy for you. I have heard of support / help groups ( I think from @Solara ) through the hospital. Might be heading that way soon anyways if this gets any worse.
Thank you JEK.