For the last few months my boyfriend has hit me.
It started around June when he got drunk and he was saying horrible things to me. I asked him to stop. He didn't. I slapped him. He said that was my one shot. He continued to say horrible things. I slapped him agin. He proceeded to punch the back of head while I crouched on the floor.
I know hitting him first was wrong. I never have again. Since then when we fight and he is drinking he has chocked me until I couldn't speak or breathe. One night he got mad at me for having a photo of an ex and I on my phone and punched my stomach and sides until they were purple with bruises. A few weeks ago he got drunk and called me a whore and a slut. I got up to get my headphone to drown him out. He grabbed and broke them.
I left the room. He followed my and punched me in the mouth and blood was drawn and bruised. I ran for the door to get away. He grabbed me by the throat and threw me down. He said I was going to die that night. He finally let go enough for me to say stop.
I rolled to my stomach and sobbed. He told me to shut the f*ck up and when I didn't he punched the back of my head. I ran and locked myself in the bathroom. He got in and backed me in the corner to say it was my fault.
In the morning he said he wouldn't do it again and he quit drinking. Until my birthday on the 15th.
He said it was a celebration and just the once. It has been everyday since. Last night he and I fought. Just a spat. I started to take his stuff off my entertainment center. He grabbed me and slammed my head into the door frame. Then chocked me. I was able to say I just wanted to go to the bedroom.
He said that this is my fault. Because he has PTSD and a horrific childhood, and because I get an attitude toward him, I bring it out. And because I hit him those two times in June. I haven't since. He tried to tell me last night that this was my fault, I was crazy and a psycho and that I slammed my head myself. He then claimed to not remember.
I took photos of the injury and got the incident on audio file. I began to record conversations when he drinks for safely. I wait until he is asleep and send the photos and the audio to my best friend for safe keeping. He used to go through my phone and had a gps tracking device in my car. He says this is my fault. Because I get an attitude with him.
He is an army vet with PTSD. He cancelled two appointments to see a therapist at the VA.
He quit drinking and we were working out and eating right. It helped. We didn't fight hardly at all.
He says that he is manically depressed more than he has ever been before. He says that he just wants to escape. And by escaping he drinks every day and doesn't try to seek help from people that can help him.
He blames me for his feelings, saying that I get an attitude and that makes him not want to try to quit or stop putting his hands on me. He has had PTSD since childhood and it worsened with the Army yet he is untreated with medication or counseling.
There are times where, one moment I am a good woman and he is a bastard, and the next I am a psycho and to blame. I just don't know what to do anymore.
My best friend and an advocate at a domestic abuse hotline told me that this isn't my fault. But he keeps telling me I am to blame for our failing relationship, putting his hands on me and his depression.
I have read some I his journal entries, wrong I know, but for years he has displayed this same behavior, back and forth, flip flopping and blame game. I am not blameless I know. But I have owned up to it and taken responsibility.
He stood over me tonight saying all the things I have done wrong. That I am to blame for it all. Including the way he is feeling. Then he will be all loving on me. It's a mind warp. I don't know which way is up anymore.
I used to laugh, see friends and family. I don't want to talk to anyone or leave the house. I feel drained and weak, I have never been like this before. Those closest to me have seen a major change in me.
I love him but he makes me feel rotten for my past and for even living sometimes. I feel so scared and alone. On his request I quit my job because he got a good paying one. Promising me I had nothing to worry about. But he felt his boss and coworker were out to get him, he quit.
We have some savings and money he gets for being 70% disabled through the VA. But now I have no job, I am broke. He has the bank accounts. All the money I made at my job went into his account.
I only am able to trust my best friend because my boyfriend checks my phone history and he put a GPS tracker in my car. He has told me after hitting me that if I ever called the police I would be dead before they got there. And that he would beat then up if they came. He even says he will hurt himself to make it look like I did it.
When he hit me I would cry out for help and he would call me a psycho and crazy. If I locked myself in a room or grabbed something to defend myself I was crazy. He threatened to kill me many times, saying he would get away with it.
He tells me he wouldn't drink or hit me or feel this way, he would try to be better if I grew up and didn't have an attitude with him. He justifies his behavior based on that idea. He says it was wrong for him to hit me but if I hadn't done AB or C he wouldn't have felt he had to. Other than the time I slapped him I have never laid a hand on him or thrown anything yet he attacks me as though I did.
Most of the time he has attacked me I am running away from him. I'm scared and I feel alone. I can't talk to him about this because he blames me. He has even said I wanted him to hit me. I asked for it.
He makes me feel worthless and alone. I have put on so many fake smiles and stories that I feel like a fraud.
He says I have two weeks to ship up or ship out or he is leaving. I want it to work. I have suggested counseling for us alone and together. I have suggested getting out of the house. I have begged him to not drink. He just says "don't worry. We are good, I won't be mean" about 80% of the time he is mean and or violent after that statement. He makes every excuse to drink.
He says he just wants to escape. He said last night that even when he quits drinking he still craves it so what's the point of stopping?
I used to be so happy and bright inside. Now I feel ugly and cold. I feel this darkness inside me that I have never felt.
In the past year I have been told that what I wear, what I say, what I listen to for music, what I watch on tv, who my friends are and how I interact with people is wrong.
I used to have so many friends. And now I don't hear from anyone. He doesn't approve of most of them anyway. And he doesn't like people so we don't see his friends either.
He is strained for his family so he picks fights when I talk to or see mine. He says he is jealous that I have family and friends who want to see me and be in my company. So much so that he chastises them and calls my friends names and makes fun of my family making me embarrassed of them.
It's funny I have never told anyone this. I feel like who I am and where I come from is so wrong because he tells me I am. I feel that I am to blame for everything. But I can't help but think that if I was so awful why did I have so many friends and such a close relationship with my family?
Whenever I cry I am being dramatic and a victim so I wait until he is asleep to cry in the bathroom. Staying up all night because I can't sleep. He likes to say mean things to me right before bed then drifts off so easily.
I don't know what or how to feel anymore. I just need help because a big part of me can't help but think he is right. Maybe he is. Maybe I am the reason for his unhappiness but he has, on our good days, talked of how his mom makes him unhappy, his job, his childhood, not eating right or not working out, the drinking, his ex convincing him everyone was out to get him.
He has been manic depressed in the past and had these thoughts and feelings he says are my fault yet he has never sought help for it. I want to help him. I have always tried and wanted to help.
When he cried about his childhood or how his mother was so awful about how he felt like a failure. I was always there to defend him and be his biggest cheerleader. And I can't help but feel like I being retaliated against because I care too much.
He has said that numerous times that he is a bastard and hurts those he loves as a defense mechanism. But then an hour later I am the reason he is feeling this way. I am the sole reason for this sinking ship. I single handily broke us. And it is a really big burden to have had to shoulder the last few months.
I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride of horrors where at any turn it could change. When he drinks he is Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde so very violent and manic. When he doesn't he still can split his personality he is just in better control of his violent rage.
I want to believe it can get better but I am losing faith and hope. And losing confidence in myself.
It started around June when he got drunk and he was saying horrible things to me. I asked him to stop. He didn't. I slapped him. He said that was my one shot. He continued to say horrible things. I slapped him agin. He proceeded to punch the back of head while I crouched on the floor.
I know hitting him first was wrong. I never have again. Since then when we fight and he is drinking he has chocked me until I couldn't speak or breathe. One night he got mad at me for having a photo of an ex and I on my phone and punched my stomach and sides until they were purple with bruises. A few weeks ago he got drunk and called me a whore and a slut. I got up to get my headphone to drown him out. He grabbed and broke them.
I left the room. He followed my and punched me in the mouth and blood was drawn and bruised. I ran for the door to get away. He grabbed me by the throat and threw me down. He said I was going to die that night. He finally let go enough for me to say stop.
I rolled to my stomach and sobbed. He told me to shut the f*ck up and when I didn't he punched the back of my head. I ran and locked myself in the bathroom. He got in and backed me in the corner to say it was my fault.
In the morning he said he wouldn't do it again and he quit drinking. Until my birthday on the 15th.
He said it was a celebration and just the once. It has been everyday since. Last night he and I fought. Just a spat. I started to take his stuff off my entertainment center. He grabbed me and slammed my head into the door frame. Then chocked me. I was able to say I just wanted to go to the bedroom.
He said that this is my fault. Because he has PTSD and a horrific childhood, and because I get an attitude toward him, I bring it out. And because I hit him those two times in June. I haven't since. He tried to tell me last night that this was my fault, I was crazy and a psycho and that I slammed my head myself. He then claimed to not remember.
I took photos of the injury and got the incident on audio file. I began to record conversations when he drinks for safely. I wait until he is asleep and send the photos and the audio to my best friend for safe keeping. He used to go through my phone and had a gps tracking device in my car. He says this is my fault. Because I get an attitude with him.
He is an army vet with PTSD. He cancelled two appointments to see a therapist at the VA.
He quit drinking and we were working out and eating right. It helped. We didn't fight hardly at all.
He says that he is manically depressed more than he has ever been before. He says that he just wants to escape. And by escaping he drinks every day and doesn't try to seek help from people that can help him.
He blames me for his feelings, saying that I get an attitude and that makes him not want to try to quit or stop putting his hands on me. He has had PTSD since childhood and it worsened with the Army yet he is untreated with medication or counseling.
There are times where, one moment I am a good woman and he is a bastard, and the next I am a psycho and to blame. I just don't know what to do anymore.
My best friend and an advocate at a domestic abuse hotline told me that this isn't my fault. But he keeps telling me I am to blame for our failing relationship, putting his hands on me and his depression.
I have read some I his journal entries, wrong I know, but for years he has displayed this same behavior, back and forth, flip flopping and blame game. I am not blameless I know. But I have owned up to it and taken responsibility.
He stood over me tonight saying all the things I have done wrong. That I am to blame for it all. Including the way he is feeling. Then he will be all loving on me. It's a mind warp. I don't know which way is up anymore.
I used to laugh, see friends and family. I don't want to talk to anyone or leave the house. I feel drained and weak, I have never been like this before. Those closest to me have seen a major change in me.
I love him but he makes me feel rotten for my past and for even living sometimes. I feel so scared and alone. On his request I quit my job because he got a good paying one. Promising me I had nothing to worry about. But he felt his boss and coworker were out to get him, he quit.
We have some savings and money he gets for being 70% disabled through the VA. But now I have no job, I am broke. He has the bank accounts. All the money I made at my job went into his account.
I only am able to trust my best friend because my boyfriend checks my phone history and he put a GPS tracker in my car. He has told me after hitting me that if I ever called the police I would be dead before they got there. And that he would beat then up if they came. He even says he will hurt himself to make it look like I did it.
When he hit me I would cry out for help and he would call me a psycho and crazy. If I locked myself in a room or grabbed something to defend myself I was crazy. He threatened to kill me many times, saying he would get away with it.
He tells me he wouldn't drink or hit me or feel this way, he would try to be better if I grew up and didn't have an attitude with him. He justifies his behavior based on that idea. He says it was wrong for him to hit me but if I hadn't done AB or C he wouldn't have felt he had to. Other than the time I slapped him I have never laid a hand on him or thrown anything yet he attacks me as though I did.
Most of the time he has attacked me I am running away from him. I'm scared and I feel alone. I can't talk to him about this because he blames me. He has even said I wanted him to hit me. I asked for it.
He makes me feel worthless and alone. I have put on so many fake smiles and stories that I feel like a fraud.
He says I have two weeks to ship up or ship out or he is leaving. I want it to work. I have suggested counseling for us alone and together. I have suggested getting out of the house. I have begged him to not drink. He just says "don't worry. We are good, I won't be mean" about 80% of the time he is mean and or violent after that statement. He makes every excuse to drink.
He says he just wants to escape. He said last night that even when he quits drinking he still craves it so what's the point of stopping?
I used to be so happy and bright inside. Now I feel ugly and cold. I feel this darkness inside me that I have never felt.
In the past year I have been told that what I wear, what I say, what I listen to for music, what I watch on tv, who my friends are and how I interact with people is wrong.
I used to have so many friends. And now I don't hear from anyone. He doesn't approve of most of them anyway. And he doesn't like people so we don't see his friends either.
He is strained for his family so he picks fights when I talk to or see mine. He says he is jealous that I have family and friends who want to see me and be in my company. So much so that he chastises them and calls my friends names and makes fun of my family making me embarrassed of them.
It's funny I have never told anyone this. I feel like who I am and where I come from is so wrong because he tells me I am. I feel that I am to blame for everything. But I can't help but think that if I was so awful why did I have so many friends and such a close relationship with my family?
Whenever I cry I am being dramatic and a victim so I wait until he is asleep to cry in the bathroom. Staying up all night because I can't sleep. He likes to say mean things to me right before bed then drifts off so easily.
I don't know what or how to feel anymore. I just need help because a big part of me can't help but think he is right. Maybe he is. Maybe I am the reason for his unhappiness but he has, on our good days, talked of how his mom makes him unhappy, his job, his childhood, not eating right or not working out, the drinking, his ex convincing him everyone was out to get him.
He has been manic depressed in the past and had these thoughts and feelings he says are my fault yet he has never sought help for it. I want to help him. I have always tried and wanted to help.
When he cried about his childhood or how his mother was so awful about how he felt like a failure. I was always there to defend him and be his biggest cheerleader. And I can't help but feel like I being retaliated against because I care too much.
He has said that numerous times that he is a bastard and hurts those he loves as a defense mechanism. But then an hour later I am the reason he is feeling this way. I am the sole reason for this sinking ship. I single handily broke us. And it is a really big burden to have had to shoulder the last few months.
I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride of horrors where at any turn it could change. When he drinks he is Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde so very violent and manic. When he doesn't he still can split his personality he is just in better control of his violent rage.
I want to believe it can get better but I am losing faith and hope. And losing confidence in myself.
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