Where Do You Get Courage To Confront?

[Cool Cat]

I rent a room in a house, so does another girl who is about 22. The landlady and her partner are about 60.

I don't like her partner, he irritates me. He seems false - and he can be nice one day and unfriendly another.
I sometimes hear him shouting/screaming abuse at her upstairs.
And ive seen him snap at her over nothing at all.

Today I was cooking and he came in. The kitchen was in a mess - but that was because they made dinner and didn't clean up! He laughed falsely, but then he called me a 'such a mess'. I found that really hurtful. I wasn't expecting it, because it had a laugh before it. Also because 'such a mess' was one of the things the bullies used to call me.

I was intimidated, because I couldn't chat back because he's bigger, older and my landlords partner.

I want to confront him because I dont want him thinking he can talk to me like he talks to her. I think cPTSD makes confrontation difficult. How do you overcome it?

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

I'm not sure if uou ever do . I hate confrontation , my hearts starts racing, I feel physically sick and often start shaking.
It's a really bad place to be when I feel like this, especially if someone had said something hurtful to me or used a term my abusers used to, sometimes unfortunately I trigger and then end up having flashbacks. As a result I try to avoid all confrontations at any cost but not always practical ,I'm sorry I can't really advise because I'm not very good at it. Maybe you could try talking to his wife and telling her how he makes you feel? Afterall your paying rent and all your asking for is respect and to be treated decently . I don't think it's a lot to ask. Sorry I couldn't be much more help.

 

[Cool Cat]

Maybe you could try talking to his wife

your paying rent and all your asking for is respect and to be treated decently . I don't think it's a lot to ask.

They're not married, he moved in about six months ago. They're both from divorced relationships I think.
That's actually a fair point RE the rent. I am afraid I'm putting the landlady in an awkward position by 'telling' on him, after all, he has no problem at all screaming his head off at her.

Yeah I think any kind of abuse especially in childhood makes confrontation so tough.

 

[Justmehere]

I wouldn't see it as a confrontation. I mean you could confront him - but doing that usually excavated things.

I would see it more as informing him of what you need, and gently letting him know your boundaries and what is and isn't ok with you as a renter and a housemate. Validate as much of his perspective as you can, or of common goals you might have, and go from there. Another approach is to read up on a communication technique called non-violent communication. It isn't about actual violence or avoiding it - it is a way to get needs addressed that is clear and yet keeps things from being a confrontation or a situation that escalates. It's really helped me deal with some irrational and verbally absuive people in my own life. There are websites that describe the process as well as a book.