Male Child Sexual Abuse Survivors: What Was Sex For You Like?

[somethingsomething]

As a female, who had a lot of issues as a teenager, I'm interested to hear the other perspective from male sexual abuse survivors.

Sex for me was a compulsion, but unfortunately, it got me into a situation that was essentially rape (they were much older.) After that, as much as I wanted it, I just couldn't go through with it again after that. My first real sexual experience was way too graphic and intense. I would have one more minor sexual experience after that. But both times, I felt sick and on autopilot, even though I pursued it and "wanted it".

I was also sexually abused alongside another boy. And from what I understand, about the same time as me (it seems anyway - from the stories I've heard) that he was fairly sexually active - one night stands, stuff like that. So I'm just curious, from a male's perspective, was sex ever enjoyable for you guys? Or was it similar to the same scenario as me where I definitely wanted it - but the moment clothes were off I felt sick and would just do "what I was supposed to do".

 

[anonymous]

I personally don't think gender plays a part in this, some survivors are highly sexual and love sex, some are highly sexual and hate it, some have no sexual desires and everything in between. Actually, even people who haven't been abused sexually follow a similar spectrum, though at least they have the advantage of not have had sex tainted for them by abuse/rape etc.

I personally experience both ends of the spectrum - right now, I've been single for around 7 years - I've had no romantic or sexual experiences in this time but when I was in a relationship and felt secure/safe with my partner during 3 year span,we had sex so frequently he couldn't keep up,. He used to joke that I was a nymphomaniac. I personally prefer a deep connection and couldn't have sex voluntarily without trusting my partner very deeply and without retaining some sense of control over the situation.
There are many reasons someone would be highly sexually active especially after sexual abuse, male or female - other than their natural sex-drive. It may be about feeling close to another person without having to be emotionally involved. It may be a purely physical act or a way of managing their stress levels, it may even e a way to regain power and exert it over their sexual partner. Especially where the abusers were in a position of power, feeling a sense of trust may also be triggering, so they may start a relationship but feel insecure as they get closer and then break it off unintentionally because they're unable to handle the complexity of their emotions. To be honest these will vary vastly from individual to individual.

There's another factor here - you haven't said whether you mean male survivors of csa from a male or female abuser. I think this also makes a difference. A csa survivor may engage of sexual acts with women and/or men, regardless of their sexual orientation and often in defiance of it, as a way of re-experiencing the abuse. I know of at least a few other threads here, where this has been discussed. Usually the choice to engage in these activities is not because they consciously want to re-experience their abuse, but due to confusion and as a form of self-destruction/harm.

If you're asking less about frequency and more about the actual enjoyment of sex, again I believe both sexes can go on to enjoy sex and both sexes can be fearful, anxious or dissociative about or during the act. Both sexes can be submissive and both can be dominant sexually. As you've probably guessed by the theme of this post, I personally believe that it's largely subjective to the individual.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

As a male rape survivor I was tenuous regarding sexual Intercourse for years. When I did enter into a relationship and first have sex with a female (my first wife) I felt really awkward. She knew before that I was a rape survivor and was very understanding. Over the following 24 years I have become at ease with sex now. My only stipulation is that anal penetration of any kind (on me) is a definite no go area. Although I appreciate that this whole *male G-Spot* thing is meant to be the most pleasurable way a man can ejaculate it still abhors me when I think about the experiences I suffered as a small child.

 

[Lionheart]

First I must say that sexual child abuse for me was severe and prolonged, occurring over the course of 11 years (age 5-16). Sex after that was compulsive, secretive, shameful, and very, very confusing.

Sex, shame, and emotional pain were linked together for a long time.

I was totally confused over my orientation and preference for decades until I saw a trauma specialist who helped me sort things out.

I have resolved my inner conflicts regarding sex and sexual activity and now have healthy, fulfilling love/sex relationships.

.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think I'm a bit disturbed by the implications of this post, that men have it better when it comes to sexual abuse. If anything, I'd say that they have a harder time in recovery because 99% of services are geared toward women and there is a greater stigma for men who have been sexually abused. I know I have a harder time as my abuser was female and the feminist movement wants nothing to do with me as I wasn't raped by a man (the evil enemy!), rather abused by one of their own.

Are you also implying that someone who goes the slut route (male or female) has it easer or better than someone who goes the prude route? I've seen survivors of both sexes go in both directions. I wouldn't say that being sexually promiscuous and having a lot of one night stands means that they are in a better place or weren't as affected by the abuse.

 

[somethingsomething]

@Solara No, no, no that's not what I meant. I think I geared it towards guys because I'm just trying to figure out why the boy I was abused with was so sexual...and I wasn't. And I don't know, I think it bothers me on some level to know he may have enjoyed it. Some weird combination of jealousy that he may have enjoyed sex in a very prominent way and complete sickness that anyone else touched him. And I guess I was just trying to figure out how he felt. Which I know I can only know by asking him - but I can't really talk to him right now, and it's been on my mind all day. So I just needed some kind of support, I guess.

 

[WillyKat]

For me (male), growing up, I was easily triggered by any sexual situation. I had numerous opportunities, even before high school, but usually dissociated, froze up. On one occasion in college, I literally began shaking and had to leave. Very embarrassing. All that was before the memories came flooding back, and I finally had a partial explanation for how dark my life had become.

But, that didn't really change things much. Through college and beyond, I couldn't engage in flirting and could barely look a woman in the eyes for more than a second. When a woman came on to me, I either froze up or played this game where I "didn't understand what they meant." Deep inside I did, but on the surface, I told myself the situation sort of had no meaning. (It really aches to speak of this.)

Because I had such a negative self-image, I always thought of myself as ugly or at least unattractive. As I've healed, I've learned that's just not true. In fact, I now consider myself a heart throb. (Just kidding.) I'm as attractive as I can be for a middle age guy turning gray and desperately trying to keep my girlish figure.

Now I'm speculating that flirtatious talk or coming on triggered me possibly because of the things my abuser said leading up to the abuse. But I have very little recollection of the things he said. Based on that, I don't think I'm afraid of women as much as I'm afraid or triggered by the language and even the looks of desire. And that really, really sucks. That's a big chunk of my life I'll never get back.

When things did work out with women, I was more or less OK. As long as we skipped the flirting part and went on to the main course, it didn't bother me nearly as much. I could lose myself in the moment. But all told, I've had only three relationships with women (now married) and maybe three or four other one nighters.

To @Solara's point, recovery is different for men vs. women. Yes, there's not much literature specifically about men (Mic Hunter's Abused Boys: The Forgotten Victims of Sexual Abuse comes to mind). But I don't mind that so much, except that the general public may have an impression that this only happens to girls and women. Recovery issues are a bit different: men are far less likely to seek treatment and are much more reluctant to ever talk about it. Advantage women. On the other hand, men typically don't have as much fear about every date, or every trip out to the dark parking garage at night. We don't get cat calls while walking past the construction site. Advantage men. Those are important differences, but the similarities are many.

 

[Seagreen]

I agree that gender plays little part and that individuial response is subjective.

BTW true feminism is about Men and Women having equal rights and opportunities. No man hating.

 

[somerandomguy]

I think it bothers me on some level to know he may have enjoyed it. Some weird combination of jealousy that he may have enjoyed sex in a very prominent way and complete sickness that anyone else touched him. And I guess I was just trying to figure out how he felt.

Quite honestly?

It's none of your business!!!

This is certainly my own hangup talking, but frankly your attitude appalls me. Abuse is abuse. Who cares how his abuse manifested itself; I guarantee that he did NOT enjoy it.

Your assumption than men might enjoy their abuse is mind-boggling. As a man, this is exactly the type of thing that I hate to hear - men's abuse somehow doesn't count or counts less because, hey, he got hard, so he must have enjoyed it, right?

I'm fighting hard to keep my comments from veering into "gender war" territory because I think that most of the women on this forum do actually get it. Seems like there's always someone, though, who wants to minimize male abuse. And this is NOT OK.

 

[somethingsomething]

@somerandomguy No, I wasn't talking about the abuse, and I am in no way minimizing what happened at all. I was specifically talking about how he may enjoy sex today - and how that has an effect on me, mainly because I can't really enjoy it because of the rape I experienced later on as a teenager. And to top that off, how during our abuse together...well let's just say the idea of him being touched by another woman hits home a little too hard.

I'm really not entirely sure where you got that I don't think what happened to him was a big deal. It was a big deal and it haunts me everyday to know he's out there struggling like I am. We were very, very close, and I think the only reason I'm so inclined to figure this stuff out is to somehow know if he truly is okay or not.

And just one more thing: I am a huge advocate for the understanding of male sexual abuse. I think it's a huge issue too many people are ignoring, and I try my hardest to get people to understand what's wrong with it. It breaks my heart to know that there are men out there who feel like they can't talk about it. I mean, it was hard enough for me, I can't even imagine how hard it must be for them.

 

[somerandomguy]

@somethingsomething Regardless, what he is feeling and how he has coped with the abuse is entirely none of your business.

If the thought that he is out there somewhere enjoying sex makes you upset, well, I can guarantee that there are plenty of abused men like myself who have endless problems with sex and don't especially enjoy it. There, does that make you feel better? Did that somehow end your own problems with sex? No, it didn't. Therefore, this is not your fight. Focus on yourself.

 

[somethingsomething]

@somerandomguy How exactly is it none of my business? You don't know what we went through, how that's affected me, and how it's affected him. I get it's been 23 years, he's not currently in my life (because he moved away when we were so young), but he will always be a big part of my life. I loved that kid. And what bothers me more than anything is knowing what he's going through and I can't be there. Oh, but wait, I'm sure you're just gonna rant that he probably doesn't need me. Sure. He's surivived 23 years without me, as have I without him. But you know what? I've also spent those 23 years looking for him without even realizing it, and you know what else? I get the same vibe from him.

I can get from an outside stand point why you think this is stupid. But I assure you, I didn't mean for it to come off sexist and I certainly didn't mean for it to come off like I was degrading men's sexual experiences. We've all been through shit, and it all sucks.