Completely Snapped Last Night - Feeling So Lost.

[Emi]

I have no idea what is wrong with me.I mean I know I'm working through DBT with my T after being officially diagnosed wtih PTSD a few months ago. I know my hormones are waay out of whack - partly due to my PCOS and partly due to the new IUD I guess. I know I'm stressed at work and at home and in dealing with my NPD mother. I know I'm recovering from a recent trigger. And I know I'm battling gluten intolerance, which I've been eating like I don't have, and multiple vitamin deficiencies and anemia. But I don't know what is wrong with me that I completely lost it last night.

I snapped. I just mentally and emotionally snapped. I don't remember how it happened but one minute I'm going to get my keys to leave the house for some space, because my husband and I were having an argument (actually it was more like I was angry/irritated and he was withdrawing because he said he couldn't stand to be around me at the time), and the next minute my husband is rage yelling at me and all I remember hearing is "If you ever hit me again." and then he was grabbing my arm and shoving the keys in my hand and telling me to leave and I remember screaming at him to let me go. It got uglier after that, and unfortunately I remember all of it.

Things did finally calm down and we ended up talking (arguing, but in a more civil manner) for a long time. But I have never ever lost it like that. I told him later that I felt trapped.

I'm used to withdrawal - my mother has done it to me my entire life to this day whenever she is upset with me, even if I've done nothing to upset her. And my whole life I had no where to go. Because I couldn't leave to go to a friend's or a family member's because "we don't share our problems" and it was treasonous to talk bad about my mother to anyone - even to vent my own feelings or frustrations was considered talking bad about her.

So I always felt trapped when I lived with my parents. And now I'm married and I still have no where to go. Home is my haven, where do I go when my haven becomes my hell? What do I do when I'm restricted from leaving even for a short drive? I flipped and it scares me to no end that it happened.

I'm not an abusive person, I'm not a husband beater. I really feel like I was lashing out only because I felt cornered. But I don't think he gets that.

We've both been stressed to the max and he hit a breaking point too, he said, with my attitude and snark and being verbally nasty. He's right, I have been. I've also been frustrated with him for months for not following through on his promises - for not doing what he says he's going to do.

I don't know what I'm writing this to ask. I guess does anyone else get this way? I spent at least an hour alone in the bedroom, staring into space before all that ugliness happened (but after my irritation/anger was triggered) and I had fingernail marks on my palms when I finally came out of it.

Hubs is going to see his own therapist in the next few weeks. I know I need support he can't currently give me. He doesn't know how and I don't know how to tell him what I need because I don't know what that is either! I am struggling through interpersonal effectiveness skills in DBT and my T just told me last week we are skipping ahead to distress tolerance since i've been so distressed lately. I just feel like I have NONE of these skills and I don't even have the headspace to recall them once I've been triggered.

I honestly don't know how my husband puts up with me and my emotional instability and I am terrified of driving him away. But I still get upset about things he does (like any married couple) and I don't know how to address it and not cause a huge blow up or not address it and also keep the rage from eating me alive.

 

[KwanYingirl]

You sound very overwhelmed. It's impossible to make decisions or even rational conversations when you're in that place. Do you have a 'safe place' to retreat to when things get too overwhelming? Can you imagine a bubble around you that protects you from harm-and for harming others around you?

Taking life one day at a time can help you stay calm. You are learning new skills that take a lot of practice to put into automatic mode. Distress tolerance is very important in terms of PTSD. As you know from living with it and the pressure it puts on your husband. Perhaps you can increase your therapy to twice a week in addition to your DBT classes. If you grew up in a chaotic home then you never learned how to regulate your emotions. It's possible you were never validated either. Now you are expected to function as if you did. HA! Hang in there, apologize to the people you hurt. If he sees that you are sincere about learning healthy coping skills, he will begin to trust you (and you will trust yourself).

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Please don't underestimate the power of the IUD to wreck havoc on your system (even if you have the 'non-hormonal' copper one). After a few months I was having the WORST episodes, every day. Nobody knew I had a new IUD so they were just like "what is going on, you have really nosedived!" I got that thing taken out of me as soon as I possibly could after I did a bit more research. It turns out that the copper one doesn't contain hormones, but copper in your system can and does affect hormone levels, and I had symptoms of copper toxicity as well.

Maybe your system just needs to adjust. I hope it works out for you. I just know that my symptoms were unbearable and I couldn't go on like that.

 

[Seagreen]

Firstly, Id be looking for a more appropriate outlet for the anger before it gets to the point of hitting someone. It is very important that it never happens again. Its not only abusive but also illegal and if gets out of hand could ruin your marriage.

If you feel like you are not being heard or validated by your husband, couples therapy could probably benefit you both. From what you've said it sounds like communication is part of the problem.

I am sorry to know you are feeling overwhelmed by your health problems. Good management will help. But I know its not always easy. I've always found writing out a plan helps to motivate me when I want to change something. Explain to your husband that you are struggling and give him a suggestion as to how he can help. My friend struggled to manage her coeliac disease so her husband also gave up gluten in the earlier days as well in show of support. It doesn't have to be that extreme. But if you feel it's a heavy burden on your own, that's his que to offer a little presence and support.

 

[Emi]

@Seagreen i don't remember hitting him or making any conscious decision to do so and that has never happened before. All i remember is trying to get the keys....

He knows everything I am struggling with, that doesn't mean he always keeps that in mind. He does mostly eat gluren free because i do most of the cooking....it's when we go out that the gluten is an issue, because i just want to eat "normally", ya know?

 

[Seagreen]

Yes I understand. Gluten is in everything! Lots of appreciation to anyone who has to live with out it.
All the best Emi

 

[Friday]

It really doesn't matter why you hit him.

Don't try to minimize it, justify it, or make it his fault.

As that's how one becomes a wife beater/husband beater. She made me angry, he made me feel trapped, she knows I hate XYZ, he should have known not to, she shouldn't have, he didn't, she triggered me, he, she, he. Bullshit.

You have to draw the line in the sand right here & now... If you hit your husband? It's your fault. 100%. It takes absolutely everything else that was on the table, no matter how legitimate, and bins it. You escalated. And you need to fix that.

Honestly... Same goes for verbal abuse.

Lashing out at others, whether physically or verbally, is a choice. Self control & self restraint isn't easy, but it can be done, and it is 100% on us to do so.

 

[Justmehere]

I'm very concerned that your husband is physically trapping you in a comer and/or barring you from freedom of movement. This is criminal. It's called false imprisonment.

If you are hitting him, or he is hitting you, then it's assault and domestic violence - unless it was self defense because he was physically trapping you and you were trying to get free in order to leave.

Make no mistake, this is a very serious situation. My heart really goes out to you. It sounds like a horrible living situation.

If your husband is physically trapping you against your will, that needs to be primary focus number one. You deserve to have your right to freedom of movement and to be able to leave when triggered. If the car is in his name, is calling a cab and going to a women's shelter or friends hours or hotel an option for when things get tough?

Have you read about the stress cup? Oh where is the link to the page that explains it well... Hormonal changes, nutritional imbalances - those things alone can fill up someone's stress cup. Once the cup overflows, symptoms abound. It sounds like you moved into a state of fight symptoms this time around.

I don't condone what you did, but there is a reason for it (probably a handful of reasons, both medical and PTSD related).

Your husband is taking the right step to get into therapy, and probably needs to take greater responsibility for his part.

You are taking some steps by reaching out here and diving into more work in therapy yourself. The more you can take responsibility for your part (and just your part) the better things will go. I say this as someone who has done some awful things in a fight or flight rage state in the past. It's horrible to go through it and deal with the aftermath, but it can get much better.

Distress tolerance skills are hard to do at first, especially when triggered. But, try practicing them many times a day when you don't feel triggered and two things will happen: 1.) you will become so good at them that they will begin to come more easily when triggered 2.) you will reduce your chances of being triggered and how strongly you are triggered. It will help drain your stress cup.

By many times a day, I mean at least 2-3 skills an hour at first. They don't have to take very long to do. One distress tolerance skill is to do a deep breathing excercise - this can be as simple as setting a gentle alarm on your phone to remind you to breathe in slowing through your nose and out with your mouth. Another is to do whatever you are already doing, but do it mindfully. Notice something relating to this present moment without judgement. For example, if grocery shopping, notice 5 orange things in the store. If driving notice 5 different things you see (car,tree, etc.) the idea is to bring awareness this moment. Which can be done almost any time for even just a second. There are apps you can download to a phone that can even remind you to do another distress tolerance skill.

Once you become good at them when not triggered, you will be able to do them when you are triggered.

Yes, it's a lot of work, but it's worth it. It's really changed my life. People know me as this patient kind person now, which is something I didn't used to be known for when I first stared DBT and PTSD treatment.

It also sounds like you and your husband need a plan to figure out how to handle communication and conflict. Maybe marriage counseling is another good step to take. A resource for communication (and it's not about violence per se) is book or free online info about "non-violent communication techniques." (You can google that phrase and good info about it comes up.) It's the best simple to use means of communication when disagreements come up. Something to begin to practice at easy times, in small steps.

I would also call your doc and talk to him about what emotional symptoms you are experiencing. Some forms of contraception make me really off the charts angry or sad.

You can become more of the person you want to be again, and you are taking some good steps to get there. Keep going, it gets better.

 

[Emi]

@FridayJones I realize my words probably come across as justifying what i did. I'm not. What I meant was, I didnt know I was doing it and that scares me. Because I know now that I'm capable of snapping and doing things I'd never ever consiously do. @Justmehere I was physically trapped, that all happened in our tiny laundry room where the keys hang and the garage entry is. But hubby says he was taking the keys to keep me from driving while angry and risking a car wreck. At the time, I panicked. I am not trying to minimize the seriousness of physical assault, but is there a difference between lunging/pursuing someone to assault them in order to take out your anger physically upon them and gut reaction flailing-striking in order to protect yourself? He took my keys and trapped me, in that moment he was the same as a stranger on the street cornering me to rob me. Does that make any sense? I get that he is NOT a stranger and he doesnt deserve to be hit for any reason and it needs to never happen again. We're going to work on that.

We both escalated. It was a bad night. I am ashamed it happened.

 

[nursenurse]

When cornered even us non PTSD go into fight or flight mode. It does not justify the action, but it happens. The Ex Boy (not the Dude) was very verbally abusive anytime he lost it and one time had screeched me against a door, and was yelling two inches from my face. I could not even turn to get out. Smacked him in the face, which of course did not help. Rinse and repeat, but the second time got him away from me so I could get out, and gave him a black eye. He had to explain that one at work, as his colleagues were asking him jokingly "What happened, did your wife hit you?"

There are choices that could have been made to de-escalate the situation in the first place for both you and me. People are human, though. So take it as a warning for yourself, which it seems you are. See a counsellor, both individually and as a couple. the other question you have to ask yourself is about the fighting. If you guys are fighting all of the time, or even part of the time and the fights always escalate, bring out the worst in you both, your home is not a haven, as you have said, what is it about the relationship that you both want to continue? i think the whole relationship and its dynamics need to be looked at on a larger scale, a worthwhile counsellor should be able to help you sort through.

What's done is done, so don't beat yourself up over it, but use it as a learning experience for you to grow. I am sorry for you both that you went through it.

 

[Friday]

Does that make any sense? I get that he is NOT a stranger and he doesnt deserve to be hit for any reason and it needs to never happen again. We're going to work on that..

Yes. It absolutely makes sense. However, It will also probably happen again. Which is hard to hear, I know. But now is the time to get proactive about learning self control.
1) You've crossed that threshold of "I would never" to "I have".
2) You're married to him.
- Not only can you not "simply" quit dating for a few months to actively trigger yourself to blind rage/panic to learn to control your reactions in that state... Before being around people you're at risk for assaulting when in a rage/panic
- But your guard is down around him. Which means you're in less control of yourself around him than strangers, colleagues, parents of your kids friends, etc. Lowered inhibitions = increased risk.

The tempting thing to do in assaults is to do the same thing you do with other forms of panic/anxiety : reduce triggers. (Dude. Don't trigger me. Helloooooo. Don't do that! You know what that does to me.) The problem with domestic violence, is that doesn't work that way. Because it places the blame on the victim / takes the control put of your hands. It starts the cycle of abuse. You hurt him, you feel awful and apologize, and promise it will never happen again. You hurt him, you feel awful and apologize, and promise it will never happen again. You hurt him, are furious with him for you hurting him / why does he have to keep triggering you???, but still feel awful and apologize. Rinse, lather, repeat. Until both of you are blaming him for your actions.

You never, ever, ever want your husband thinking to himself
- It's my fault if she hits me. I should have known not to do _______. I should have known to do _______. It is my fault.
- If I don't want to be assaulted, I have to do ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWX....

You may be thinking that this is PTSD, you can't control panic attacks, etc., or it wouldn't be PTSD. Not exactly true. One may never be able to control panic attacks, but one can learn to control how you react in one. And those of us who attack instead of defend? We've all had to learn how to do that. How to slow things down. How not to hurt the people that we love.

The 2 biggest tricks in that, that I know of, are to

1) Never ever ever conflate blame; if I attack someone I may be completely justified (or not), but it's also 100% on me and...

2) To know, absolutely, that if it's happened before? It will happen again. So I have to actively prevent it. Can't prevent triggers & stressors. Those happen. So I have to change the way I act & react within them.

 

[Emi]

You hurt him, you feel awful and apologize, and promise it will never happen again. You hurt him, you feel awful and apologize, and promise it will never happen again. You hurt him, are furious with him for you hurting him / why does he have to keep triggering you???, but still feel awful and apologize. Rinse, lather, repeat. Until both of you are blaming him for your actions.
.

That sounds uncomfortably familiar. Your words are really hard to swallow but they are honest and you are right. I don't want to be THAT person and I certainly do not want to actively (or passively) destroy my marriage.

@nursenurse We actually do not fight a lot. The last big argument we had was maybe 4 or more months ago. Less often do we have these "knock down, drag out" fights - of those I can recall 3 in the past 5 years (this one included).