Relationship Oh God, Is It Happening Again?

[Sighs]

@Wastinglight - hugs! The holidays are always really hard. If I were you I would almost expect him to withdraw over that period. Try to enjoy your trip with your family and look forward to catching up with him when he comes back in Jan.

I guess the beauty of the forum is that supporters can come here and say things they would NEVER say to their sufferers. (Check out The Angry Thread!) This is a safe place to whinge, complain, freak out and make it all about US. So that our sufferer doesn't have to hear it.

 

[Wastinglight]

I guess the beauty of the forum is that supporters can come here and say things they would NEVER say to their sufferers. (Check out The Angry Thread!) This is a safe place to whinge, complain, freak out and make it all about US. So that our sufferer doesn't have to hear it.

Precisely. Thank you @Sighs for your kind thoughts, and for making that point much more eloquently than I did :shy:. I got a message from him first thing morning - he sounded a bit more chipper. I accept that he may still not be up for our usual weekend together, but I really appreciate that he's talking to me and letting me know how he's going. After his first big shutout, he agreed to let me know what's going on with him whenever he is struggling. He is doing that, and I think that's all I can ask of him right now.

I suspect you're right about Christmas being hard for him. However, Christmas is always a very happy time for me and my family, so for my part, I am certainly looking forward to it!

 

[Glara]

I can honestly say that on this forum my sufferer's disorder is about is about me. Right now he's not communicating with me, and it's ripping my heart out. In the past he's sent suicidal texts and recently posted some scary pictures on Facebook that aren't typical for him. So, I'm also scared of the dark place he's in. I cry every single day. Yes, on here it's about me. I can't talk to him, the few friends I have just don't believe it, sh*t I can hardly believe it. If it wasn't for this forum I wouldn't believe it. All I know is that I don't know how to handle it so I come here to learn. I also come here because I can't go to him. I come here when all I want to do is reach out to him, but know that that's not what he needs. Which to me feels completely irrational and convoluted. And I never liked the holiday season much before, now that it seems to be some kind of trigger, I hate it and can't wait for it to be over. So, yes some of us, probably most of us carers are needy on here. But it's so we can be strong for people we love, who are going through something that we will never really understand.

 

[Larksong]

I think what Wastinglight and others are doing by being open and honest about negative/troubling emotions they're feeling is very helpful to them and their sufferers, since they get to express it here, vent, and work through it.

I see that happening with me and other supporters all the time. Part of our learning process, about this condition that seems counterintuitive and often baffling for us, is to have dialogue with other supporters and with sufferers and take all the views expressed and use them to bring us out on the other side of our frustration/ignorance/pain with more wisdom and maturity than we had before. @Wastinglight it's really admirable what you're doing by pursuing your own therapy and building up your own inner resources while you still try to learn about ptsd to be there for your guy.

It helps a lot to hear from sufferers, even when the responses aren't what we want to hear, or expect to hear. It's a dose of the reality sufferers go through that we really need. Example: What Solara said about sufferers not needing the added burden of having to reassure their SO hit home for me in an important way that I needed to have reinforced right now.

And for @Glara so sorry you're going through such a hard time too. Hugs & good thoughts for you too!

 

[Wastinglight]

We're having a lovely weekend together. Everything seems fine. If anything he's more affectionate than usual. Guess he just needed that downtime this week...

 

[InlovewithaPTSDvet]

Wasting light, be easy on yourself x crickey it took me Years to understand how to support my vet. Took him years to come to terms with it too, don't forget that's a factor too, we are just human and not machines.

I was on anti depressants for two years due to the difficulties of his PTSD and didn't really recognise that! Seriously, was so busy trying to cure all, neglected myself!

Mine throws problems at me when I least expect and I get you want to get away for Christmas without the stress and worry.

You will be a good supporter but it takes time to understand like I said. YEARS.

Look after yourself and accept that you're going to get upset from time to time through choosing to be with him. But I promise you, it's NOT personal against you. It's just his condition! If you can start to feel that you'll start to feel stronger and better able to cope. You'll never make everything alright for him.

And people around you may never understand. Try to accept that too.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Sorry if I sounded harsh.

I personally hate having to reassure someone constantly. An ex was like this and I was like c'Mon! I don't want to go through this every time we talk! I felt like I had to make lists of why I likedhim . It wasn't enough that I gave him my time. I didn't think that I should have to prove my loyalty over and over again. He was an idiot because he didn't realize that TIME is the most important thing I could give anyone.....and it wasn't enough for him. But this is my situation, I know we're all different.

 

[Wastinglight]

I personally hate having to reassure someone constantly. An ex was like this and I was like c'Mon! I don't want to go through this every time we talk! I felt like I had to make lists of why I likedhim . It wasn't enough that I gave him my time. I didn't think that I should have to prove my loyalty over and over again. He was an idiot because he didn't realize that TIME is the most important thing I could give anyone.....and it wasn't enough for him. But this is my situation, I know we're all different.

S'okay. And I totally get that it would be very frustrating having to reassure someone all the time. I try my hardest not to put him in that position. My last relationship was codependent and I don't want to repeat the mistakes of the past. I try to take responsibility for my feelings at all times. It's still early days with us, so I'm sure in time, and with understanding and effort on both sides, we'll get there.

Thanks for your input though - I'm glad you shared your opinion, because it challenged me to have a good hard think about whether this relationship is worth it. And it is. My guy is definitely worth holding on to :-). Thanks again.

 

[InlovewithaPTSDvet]

If he's worth it, then there is no problem reassuring him you're there for him. It doesn't have to mean you lose any face or anything. Without mutual trust there could never be a relationship. You can be a strong person yourself whilst doing it, we all want to be loved don't we? It's just PTSD can bring about insecurity.

I send mine text messages during the day just about drivel really or the odd photo of one of the dogs or I'm doing such and such for tea......and we speak on the phone at least three times each day when apart. But then we've been together 17 years.

I think I'm trying say is if you let him know how you feel and you're there, it's up to him then he has a choice and there is no misunderstanding. If he doesn't then you haven't lost, but you might have everything to gain!

From time to time mine has suggested divorce and says I shouldn't be with him. I used to get upset. Now I smile, say, not that old chestnut eh! We've talked about that many many times and agreed we are both for keeps! It's never now a serious conversation.