BewitchedBewildered
Gold Member
Please do not attack me or my ex, but this is the only place I can talk. The few friends I have I get too protective, too ready to hate him for me, for the pain he has caused me. I understand that, I need a place I can feel I can talk without feeling like I will be made to feel weak or stupid. I am the world's biggest devil's advocate and I understand tough love or no punches pulled support. I am just saying upfront, I cannot take it right now. I'm just looking for some understanding or empathy for what I am dealing with, not a judgment call on my choices. Maybe I just need to write it out for my own benefit. I'm not an idiot, I have a Masters degree (for whatever that is worth) and I have an executive level position and make a good living on my own, I have studied PTSD, but I care a great deal about my ex. We share a history and I am not ready to give him up in my life. Not yet, but probably soon or greatly reduced soon.
Many of you know my pitiful story, but for those of you who don't, I spent 2.5 years with a man with complex PTSD stemming from severe childhood abuse and then his time in desert storm. Knew him as teenagers, lost contact when he went into the Navy and then for about 15 years and then reconnected and dated long distance until he isolated for 13 months. A lot of push/ pull. Many signs of avoidant behavior and tendencies towards depression, issues with going numb, lack of emotional affect, but can also show great compassion, show more emotion in a word than many men in an in-depth conversation. He also had an antagonism towards people in general that happens sometimes, I think because no one helped him as a child. He went to anger management years before we dated and was diagnosed, but only addressed anger related issues as far as I can tell.
He never abused me physically, never berated me, never called me names, never blamed me for any issue. I loved him more than any other man I have known. I'm 45, not a kid. I fought many of my issues in order to deal with his. I'm well-educated and have read so much on PTSD, but still feel unprepared.
Understand, when he isolated for 13 months, he ripped my heart out. He broke a part of me. I haven't had good luck with men, been through my share of heart break. I had to convince myself to open myself up to him, it was hard for me, but I trusted him. We would get closer and then he would pull away. I always knew, as he told me, that he didn’t "need" anyone. It was a painful love, full of uncertainty.
Then he contacted me again, after 13 months, telling me he had gone into a depression, but missed me. I said we could be friends. He wanted to see me, and then kept pushing off actually seeing me. I was torn and scared, but I missed his friendship. No, to be honest, I just missed him. And I'm loyal. I'm an all in kind of gal. Then he asked me to come see him because his truck was not running. I went to visit him; I just decided to do it. Spent very little time alone with him. Spent time with his new friends. He looks better, lost weight, healthier, more social. In the morning he left me alone in his house while he had job, we were to meet a few hours later for brunch. I found a card to "the man I love" for his bday 2 months earlier. Turns out, I found out much later (a few weeks) that he was in a depression for about 9 months and then, "just fell in love" with a bipolar woman not in treatment or on meds that only lasted about 3 months. He said she seemed like him, he thought they had their damage in common. Then he told me stories about how manipulative and mean she was, reminding me of his mother. He tends to get involved with women that are chaos. He even offered to go back to therapy for her!! Says he broke up with her, but now felt less comfortable isolating. I seem to be in a category that is not a love prospect. He says he is connected to me. Can talk to me like no other woman, he can't help wanting me physically. When we are physical it is body and mind. The whole conversation hurt me a great deal. That is an understatement.
I see now that all of the signs that he was he was doing better were just peripheral. I'm worried about him honestly. It's all very weird, but he was honest when I questioned him about the card. I want to be his friend; I just need some emotional distance. I don’t know how to explain, but it all seems like an act. Like he is faking it now. I don’t know, maybe that s all in my head.
Then the man who did not ever celebrate holidays wanted to come visit me for xmas. I knew I should say no, but honestly didn’t think it would actually happen anyways. And, honestly, I have a lot of stress lately, job issues, dying pet, pending surgery… So, why was I still hurt when he suddenly told me he couldn’t come? And to be honest, since the emotional conversation, I can't seem to feel as if he is a friend. And, yet, I have this emotional drive to not turn my back on him. He doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand the pain he has caused me. He will admit fault in his actions, but seems not to actually have compassion for the pain caused. I feel manipulated, I feel like he uses my feelings for him against me, but I am not sure it is intentional or if he just does it without thinking about it...
I know it is probably for the best that he doesn’t come here for holidays, but… sometimes what you know isn't good for you and what you want…is confusing. Worst thing is that when I didn't respond as he expected, he suddenly was all 'maybe I can work something out". He won't, I know that. I'm just very emotionally confused- mind says one thing, brain says another. My life is in a bad place right now, I know that. I am under a great deal of stress, I know that also. I miss him and he isn't good for me, I know that too. But, how do you turn your back on someone you care about when turning your back could do real damage? I know at some point I will have to. Or at least I will have to some large degree, but I still find it so hard. Deep down I know, I can never be what he needs. I know he will always chase chaos. I cannot be his safe place. It is just so hard. He is a good man, he just fights himself so much. I can't help him.
Many of you know my pitiful story, but for those of you who don't, I spent 2.5 years with a man with complex PTSD stemming from severe childhood abuse and then his time in desert storm. Knew him as teenagers, lost contact when he went into the Navy and then for about 15 years and then reconnected and dated long distance until he isolated for 13 months. A lot of push/ pull. Many signs of avoidant behavior and tendencies towards depression, issues with going numb, lack of emotional affect, but can also show great compassion, show more emotion in a word than many men in an in-depth conversation. He also had an antagonism towards people in general that happens sometimes, I think because no one helped him as a child. He went to anger management years before we dated and was diagnosed, but only addressed anger related issues as far as I can tell.
He never abused me physically, never berated me, never called me names, never blamed me for any issue. I loved him more than any other man I have known. I'm 45, not a kid. I fought many of my issues in order to deal with his. I'm well-educated and have read so much on PTSD, but still feel unprepared.
Understand, when he isolated for 13 months, he ripped my heart out. He broke a part of me. I haven't had good luck with men, been through my share of heart break. I had to convince myself to open myself up to him, it was hard for me, but I trusted him. We would get closer and then he would pull away. I always knew, as he told me, that he didn’t "need" anyone. It was a painful love, full of uncertainty.
Then he contacted me again, after 13 months, telling me he had gone into a depression, but missed me. I said we could be friends. He wanted to see me, and then kept pushing off actually seeing me. I was torn and scared, but I missed his friendship. No, to be honest, I just missed him. And I'm loyal. I'm an all in kind of gal. Then he asked me to come see him because his truck was not running. I went to visit him; I just decided to do it. Spent very little time alone with him. Spent time with his new friends. He looks better, lost weight, healthier, more social. In the morning he left me alone in his house while he had job, we were to meet a few hours later for brunch. I found a card to "the man I love" for his bday 2 months earlier. Turns out, I found out much later (a few weeks) that he was in a depression for about 9 months and then, "just fell in love" with a bipolar woman not in treatment or on meds that only lasted about 3 months. He said she seemed like him, he thought they had their damage in common. Then he told me stories about how manipulative and mean she was, reminding me of his mother. He tends to get involved with women that are chaos. He even offered to go back to therapy for her!! Says he broke up with her, but now felt less comfortable isolating. I seem to be in a category that is not a love prospect. He says he is connected to me. Can talk to me like no other woman, he can't help wanting me physically. When we are physical it is body and mind. The whole conversation hurt me a great deal. That is an understatement.
I see now that all of the signs that he was he was doing better were just peripheral. I'm worried about him honestly. It's all very weird, but he was honest when I questioned him about the card. I want to be his friend; I just need some emotional distance. I don’t know how to explain, but it all seems like an act. Like he is faking it now. I don’t know, maybe that s all in my head.
Then the man who did not ever celebrate holidays wanted to come visit me for xmas. I knew I should say no, but honestly didn’t think it would actually happen anyways. And, honestly, I have a lot of stress lately, job issues, dying pet, pending surgery… So, why was I still hurt when he suddenly told me he couldn’t come? And to be honest, since the emotional conversation, I can't seem to feel as if he is a friend. And, yet, I have this emotional drive to not turn my back on him. He doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand the pain he has caused me. He will admit fault in his actions, but seems not to actually have compassion for the pain caused. I feel manipulated, I feel like he uses my feelings for him against me, but I am not sure it is intentional or if he just does it without thinking about it...
I know it is probably for the best that he doesn’t come here for holidays, but… sometimes what you know isn't good for you and what you want…is confusing. Worst thing is that when I didn't respond as he expected, he suddenly was all 'maybe I can work something out". He won't, I know that. I'm just very emotionally confused- mind says one thing, brain says another. My life is in a bad place right now, I know that. I am under a great deal of stress, I know that also. I miss him and he isn't good for me, I know that too. But, how do you turn your back on someone you care about when turning your back could do real damage? I know at some point I will have to. Or at least I will have to some large degree, but I still find it so hard. Deep down I know, I can never be what he needs. I know he will always chase chaos. I cannot be his safe place. It is just so hard. He is a good man, he just fights himself so much. I can't help him.
