General Difficult Decision

[Wastinglight]

This isn't really a PTSD thing, but I would really appreciate an objective point of view on a difficult decision I have to make.

I have a dog. I've only had her about 6 months, she's a rescue.

My boyfriend (who suffers from PTSD) has two dogs also. I have never brought her around to his place, for a number of reasons. These include
- that his fences are too low
- the fact that she is a very big dog, and his dogs are very small (and my dog gets a bit nippy with small dogs sometimes)
- the fact that he had two dogs - one big, one small - living together in the past, and the big one killed the small one. He never forgave himself for letting it happen, and the very thought of having my dog at his place creates a great deal of anxiety for him
- my dog is not a very good house guest (she pees inside)
- his dogs are not well socialised, and bringing my dog over is likely to create a lot of stress for everyone involved
- his anxiety (and mine) as a result of the above points

We have been talking about moving the relationship forward, and have been discussing how we would handle the dog situation with respect to me staying over more often, and eventually moving in. We are both committed to this relationship.

For the above reasons, he doesn't seem very keen to for me to start bringing my dog over to his place. Add to that, we have recently discovered that local council laws prohibit keeping more than two dogs on a property.

It has become clear to me that I have a difficult decision to make. It looks likely that I will probably have to give up my dog if I move in with him. Moving to another local government area is not an option. His parents own the house he lives in, and he will eventually inherit it.

I feel enormously guilty about this. But at the same time, I have been regretting getting this dog. We have not bonded very well, as I have to leave her alone for long periods of time because I work full-time. I already feel guilty because I don't have enough time for her as it is.

His dogs are his world. They are very precious to him - they have helped him through some very dark times. He would never give them up.

If I have to give her up, I would prefer to do it sooner rather than later. I can't keep her for another 6 months or so in the knowledge that I will have to give her away soon.

But I am wondering whether I might regret it if I do give her away. I made a promise to this dog, to be her 'forever home'. Plus, what if the relationship doesn't work out? What if I end up resenting him because I have to do this for the relationship? Plus I know that my friends and family will crucify me for giving her away 'for a man'. I know I won't get another dog even if the relationship ends, but that doesn't make the decision any easier.

I feel like this is an impossible decision. I will sit with it a while longer, and discuss it with my T when I see her next, but it feels like I have to choose between my partner and my dog.

 

[GG-love]

I can relate to the feeling of having to choose to get rid of a pet because it was necessary for me to move forward with my life. I hated doing it but at the time I had no other choice. I very sadly returned our cat to the rescue we got her from, they were very nice about it and she was adopted that same day by another young girl who needed a wonderful cat. Our other cat was taken by a friend of ours and is very well cared for as well. I felt awful for the whole thing and yet we again have a cat that we got from a friend.

You have to figure out what is right for you in the situation and figure out what is best for your life. No one can make that decision for you. You might contact different local rescues to see what your options are in this situation. If you decide to let the dog go maybe it will ease your mind knowing that she went to a home filled with love. Good luck in your decision, I know it will not be an easy one to make.

 

[Wastinglight]

Thank you @GG-love, much appreciated. When I collected her from the rescue sanctuary, they asked me to sign a 'contract' of sorts, saying that if I could no longer look after her, I should return her to the sanctuary to be rehomed. So I have somewhere to take her if I decide to let her go, and I'm sure she'll find a loving home quickly if I do. It's more my guilt and being worried about ending up resenting him for it that's the problem.

 

[Kintsugi]

It sounds a bit like your relationship with your dog is not working out, and the prospect of moving in with your partner is catalyzing your decision making on whether or not you will me the dog's forever home.

Take it from me. If you keep the dog another three years and then something catalyzes your decision to give it up, you will regret the years prior the dog would have had the opportunity to bond with the owner who is right for the dog. I would contact the sanctuary and tell them the situation. You may be able to continue to foster the dog while they look for a home. The dog could be the perfect fit for someone who has inquired about dogs recently. You never know.

It would be a bit different if you were going to dump the dog at the pound or a kill shelter. It sounds like the dog has a good chance of finding another good home through the sanctuary you got it from.

Best of luck.

 

[Justmehere]

Making the decision to give up the dog based on the possibility of moving in with him might be the wrong way to look at it.

What I didn't see in what you posted is any reason for you to keep the dog. You didn't write about how the dog enriches your life or how you are the best owner for this dog.

In making this decision, try to focus on what you need and what the dog needs. It sounds like you want the freedom to move in with someone in the future (him or someone else) that already has a dog. It also sounds like the dog would want an owner that is home more often.

The idea of "forever" homes is a good idea, when applied to kids. It's also a good idea for dogs that are a good fit. When I was looking for my dog, I adopted and returned 5 dogs. Yep. 5. Granted, I was looking for a dog to do therapy and service dog work, but it was still 5 dogs that I returned. I felt so bad every time. I live in a dog-centric community that speaks a lot of forever homes. The rescue explained to me that the forever home idea isn't so much for someone like you or me, it's for folks like college kids who think they can adopt a dog and then return it when the summer months comes because it's too much work to have a dog. You don't sound like an irresponsible dog owner at all.

Even the sanctuary where you adopted the dog knows there is a chance the dog isn't in the right home for the dog or the owner, and they already have a plan in place to handle just that situation. If your community has passed a law that no more than 2 dogs can live together, then that's a pretty good reason why people will have to start giving up dogs more often. It's not just you struggling with this choice.

If the dog is the right dog for you, then keep the dog. If you and your boyfriend decide to move in together, your boyfriend and you could work with a dog behaviorist on how to introduce the dogs to each other in a safe way to see if they will work together. If the dog isn't the right dog for you, then try to focus on doing the right thing for you and the dog, rather than the boyfriend, and this may help you not resent him if it doesn't work out with him - because you still did the right thing for the dog.

 

[scout86]

I have been regretting getting this dog.

THAT looks like a good reason to consider whether or not you want to keep the dog. If it's not working out, it's not working out. Doesn't make you a bad person or the dog a bad dog. It just means it may not be the right fit. You both (you & the dog) deserve to be in a situation that meets your needs. The DOG isn't aware that you made any long term promises to her. Dogs don't really think that way anyway.

What if I end up resenting him because I have to do this for the relationship?

THAT is a choice. You can chose to resent it or not. If your relationship with the dog isn't working out for the two of you, I guess you could chose to blame him at some point down the road...... If the relationship is a good relationship, I doubt you're going to decide to blame him for you deciding to return the dog. If you end up deciding the relationship ISN'T a good relationship, well, you have an excuse to get mad at him, I guess. (Not a good way to handle things, but it's there.)

I know I won't get another dog even if the relationship ends

That's a choice too. It's not written in stone anywhere. You CAN decide to get another dog, if, at some point, you really want to. Or, you can decide not to, if having a dog doesn't fit with your lifestyle. And, your lifestyle can change and then the whole thing might be worth reconsidering.

I will sit with it a while longer, and discuss it with my T when I see her next,

That sounds like a good plan.

 

[shandemonium]

There's maybe the possibility of hiring a dog trainer to supervise and you and your bf splitting the cost?

If it doesn't work out, at least you both tried !

Sometimes they'll surprise you... I have a stray pit bull that someone threw into my yard when she was 4 months old, and I have two cats. Her and the cats get along alright (not perfect, but no serious stuff!) and I didn't think they would either.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

Not biting, OK? None of the dogs you have mentioned are well trained or socialized. What are their ages? and breed? Your dog peeing inside is from either not being trained as a pup. Dogs and wolfs keep their 'den' clean, they never mess where they sleep or live. Get books from the Monks of Skete about training. Week or two could turn this all around.

Other thought is that a dog is like having a child. Not saying a dog is a human, they are very social animals, have to know boundaries, and have a schedule, and attention of companionship. It may not be the right time in your life for this responsibility. Please do, if you choose to return the dog to the sanctuary, give them as detailed as possible notes of the daily routine - walking, eliminating, play, feeding, where h/s hangs out (crated, in a shut of room, where it sleeps and spends time indoors), and behavior good and not so good, and when that occurs to help with the rehoming.

Hard choice you have, take care.

 

[Wastinglight]

Thank you all for you advice. It was my intention to put any amount of effort required into socialising my dog with his, and making it work, but the local government no-more-than-two-dogs rule has put paid to that. There's no way around it. Plus I don't think I am giving her a good life since this relationship began. Every time I choose to spend time with him, I am choosing to not spend time with my dog.

I would contact the sanctuary and tell them the situation. You may be able to continue to foster the dog while they look for a home. The dog could be the perfect fit for someone who has inquired about dogs recently. You never know.

This is great advice - thank you. I will think on it a while longer, but if I decide to return her I will certainly explore the option of fostering her.