Ptsd And Paranoia - Scared & Don't Know What To Do

['paranoid'1]

Thank you everyone for your posts. I'm almost afraid to show them to my husband as his mental health has been very poor since our argument about this, but your comments have really helped me feel that I am not alone. The worst part for me is just being abused again, after tearing apart my life once already to remove the abusers in it. I just hope that I have the strength to go through it all again. The reason that I don't just leave my husband is because I am madly, deeply in love with him. Despite his own issues, he has been there for me more than anyone else I've ever know. He stuck by me when I started to recover memories of the incestuous sexual abuse I had suffered in the past, and now, despite the fact that I have been recovering mentally for the last two years and it has been very hard. How could I leave someone who didn't do the same to me when many, if not most, would? Especially, how could I abandon him to an abusive parent exactly like the one I have just escaped (maybe this explains our close connection.) He saved me - I could never turn away and run, I have to stay and fight for him even if it kills me. (and like the other poster, I do feel my life is in danger - if I hadn't recognised the fumes from my pillow the second time I could have potentially been sleeping on that pillow night after night - having severe chronic exposures, which can cause serious damage - it seems like her intention was to really hurt me)

I'm trying to take precautions like locks etc, while still tip-toeing around the subject with my husband who goes into a tail-spin if I so much as imply it. However, things appear to be getting worse - we have both woken up from bed with red rashes and boils on our back, and yesterday my dog was petted by his mother (in front of me no less - she rubbed his neck very vigorously) and immediately afterwards the dog's neck smelt strongly of ammonia (don't worry I rinsed him off right away) She seems to take pleasure in being obvious about it - safe in the fact that I can not challenge her because we are financially dependant and living there. And her attacks seems to be escalating, my therapist thinks that they are motivated by jealousy, so unless I am destroyed by her actions, or leave, I believe she will continue. As well as the posts written here, I have done my own reading, and bleach or chlorine gas poisoning seem to be the weapon of choice for certain types of abusers, to the point of sociological clique. I had always wondered why someone so paranoid about fumes (she wears a masks all day sometimes) and checks her sheets every single night for things being in her bed, kept such a large chemical arsenal around - huge quantities of bleach and ammonia etc - I guess I know why now - projection.

Many people have mentioned the horrible position this situation puts my husband in - I can totally understand, both his denial and his mental distress. Even my own mother, who has also been told about the situation, said that it was unfair to make him to choose between me and his mother - which I was worried about. It is totally unfair, and I have been trying desperately to avoid making the situation seem like that because I know it is not healthy for anyone. Even though I don't want to force him into a decision, I wish he would at least be less insistent that I'm crazy and let me do what I need to to keep us safe, without the frequent mental breakdowns.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@'paranoid'1 when we moved to a better school system for our children, it just so happened that my ex's father needed to be on dialysis. They lived in Florida and we lived in NH. My mother in law refused to take him so she dumped him into a nursing home. He was the salt of the earth. A sweet sweet man. She was evil personified. We bought a house that the sons were going to turn a huge family room into an in-law apt. I made it perfectly clear that I would not live under the same roof as her. She was a royal bitch.
Long story short, John allowed her to take over the master bedroom and bath, the den, the living room, leaving us and the two teenagers to share a tiny bathroom and my son went to the basement. I caught her so many times nosing in their rooms, she was so verbally anusive to my children, and expected me to clean her space. She was perfectly well and young enough to take care of her space. I worked full time. I was not a happy camper. They agreed to pay a portion of the mortgage but she refused to give us a nickel. We even bought all the food and special supplements for his Dad.
I forbade her to even speak to my children. I was very clear on this subject. My children were not to be abused. I changed their doorknobs to ones that lock with a key. She was not allowed to eat with us. I was very firm on this. My ex just ignored me and drank beer all day. It sucked. I fed for divorce at which point my ex attempted to resolve these issues. Then his Dad suddenly died. She just got more abusive. I held my ground though, she could not break me as she had her three sons.
She moved out and into subsidized housing where she continued her reign of abuse towards every single person in her world. Well, I must say that it was great to be rid of her and have the house back, but I ended up divorcing John due to his drinking.
It was very difficult to stand firm against her. Very, very hard as none of her sons supported me. But I stayed true to the right life for my kids and me. Yes, john had to choose between me or his mother and she had emasculated him to the point of no return. Somehow I wish for you that he can see his mother for what she is. Just forget the stupid enabling and denial. It's hurting him and he needs to be courageous. Nobody wants to think their Mother is unworthy of the title. If the shoe fits, well, you know the rest. Chances are that she has been playing head games with your husband for his whole life. He's got to want a new life but she's done such a number on him. I will be rooting for you. You both deserve a healthy, peaceful life. It seems she has other plans for you. Hang in there and best of luck to you.

 

[sun seeker]

The reason that I don't just leave my husband is because I am madly, deeply in love with him.

Just to clarify, when I mentioned the possibility of you leaving, I didn't mean leaving your husband. I meant the two of you leaving the living situation you are in at your in-laws' place.

 

['paranoid'1]

Thank you so much for your replies @sun seeker and @KwanYingirl - it has really helped me these last few days, since the abusive incidents. I really appreciate you taking the time to share your experiences, especially @KwanYingirl as your experiences are so close to mine - it's scary. The mother-in-law I mentioned sound like she is cut from the same cloth - she also left us to look after her husband (my father in law) after a car crash - luckily he only broke his leg, but he is older so he needed a lot of care. Instead of her, a qualified nurse, providing this care, she left to go to another country. Supposedly this was because she had to get her mother from a difficult situation. However, the situation was entirely of her own invention and perpetration - and despite her own mother ringing up in tears on the phone several times for months prior to this, even begging her to get her before her Birthday, and she still did nothing - Until the day after the car crash, and she suddenly 'had to go right now'. We dropped everything (our lives, even our jobs as we both work from home) to look after my father-in-law (who is a lovely man and despite many accusations from her that he is a bad patient, he was a pleasure to look after) and to cover the workload from her job and tasks she had left behind, completely irresponsibly. We worked for 12 hour days to try and keep everything afloat and my husband's mental health deteriorated because of the pressure, stress and lack of let up from his family - who instead of thanking him for anything, they would just tell him to do more. When she got back she seemed pretty pleased with herself, and admonished us for being stressed, despite her always using her being stressed as an excuse to demand absolute obedience from her family.

I just don't know how he can't see it... The extents he will go to, to try and protect his mother from any implication that she is not the perfect 'golden goddess' he says, even to the point of gas-lighting me (which is even worse for me - as PTSD has in the past made me feel like I am crazy, even though I'm not - he knows this and he hit me where it hurts) He basically denies everything - he believes every lie she feeds him, including the lies she told him about his very name (he was under the impression he had two extra middle names for years - even when I met him as an adult - only to find out it had just been a cruel lie his mother told him). She is very manipulative though, like right after she tries to gas me, she apparently took my husband aside and said to him 'I wish there was some way I could thank [me]" I felt so pissed off and bitter at the complete deception. She is lying to his face, acting like everything is fine while she is also looking for ways to attack me. I don't think any normal person could be capable of that kind of bold faced lie.

I am hoping that if she continues she will eventually do something that is undeniable, even to him, but as he still disbelieves the chlorine gas incidents I'm not sure if anything other than my serious injury or death will make him see it. I hope this isn't the case - but he absolutely denies her gassing me, despite the evidence, coming up with every available excuse under the sun to try and change my mind, and when he couldn't find any more excuses, he (without any proof or reason) dismisses me as having a psychotic breakdown. Although maybe the reason he denies to so insistently is because somewhere in his heart of hearts he knows what she is. She has obviously been abusive towards him his whole life, and he is trapped in the space where her love should be, constantly seeking the emotional approval that had been denied him, but he also (ironically) prides himself as a 'good judge of character'. His whole world view has been completely morphed by her abuse. I don't even know where to begin helping him, I know that I have to be strong. I am so close to confronting her, but I am scared about what might happen if I do.

 

[KwanYingirl]

She will deny her actions. You will be blamed. Hopefully you or her can move.