How Do You Not Scream..?

[Upside Down Eagle]

It seems to be a tough start of the year for me. In compliance, I post more than usual :whistling:

My nervous system is on overload. I have been on a steady increase of nerves since November, but had managed to keep them under control thus far. However I've been on a steady diet of frustration (for having no job during the week) and being confronted with a social situation in the weekends at my soaring club.

I'm snapping. And I'm a bit scared that I will revert to the situation in which I was last year (screaming my lungs out and then destroying everything around me and then getting kicked out of my house). I can't afford to get kicked out again, I have had this problem too many times. I feel good here and want to stay.

But I can't seem to control the screaming when the triggers get the best of me. I scream stuff like "leave me alone, don't touch me" -stuff that I should've screamed as a child but never came out. I almost wish my mouth would just seal automatically when I am over-triggered.

Do any of you guys get these tantrums? Have you managed to control them?

 

[scout86]

My personal answer to you literal question is "no". But, what would happen if you found some private place where you could scream all you want, until you couldn't scream anymore? Maybe driving in your car? Someplace where no one can hear you. I've used something similar to deal with angry. (Ex BF had a punching bag. It was GREAT!)

 

[Queen Boudica]

Yes sometimes I get to that point screaming "leave me alone - I've had enough". Very much to do with childhood and I remember one time as a teenager just standing in the middle of the room pulling my hair out and screaming "shut-up".

I wouldn't do it driving you are not focussed on the road and could have an accident if it takes over and I could possibly end up in a wall.

Punching bag not same. Think it is you need to be heard. Your voice was drowned out and you finally just have to scream and shout.

Guess it is about comforting your inner child with other ways and self-soothing other ways

 

[shimmerz]

Thanks so much for this posting. I had forgotten. My normal reaction was to go mute but....After reading @scout86 's posting I remembered....my car was my safe place and yes, several times I would scream at the top of my lungs in it. @Lizio has a great point re safety though that I hadn't thought of. I so feel you when you say you don't want to do this at home. So sorry for that for you .....

 

[Fadeaway]

I'm snapping. And I'm a bit scared that I will revert to the situation in which I was last year (screaming my lungs out and then destroying everything around me and then getting kicked out of my house)

I am there now, so a resounding yes,and I completely feel for you. However, I hate the word tantrums. My husband calls them that, they aren't tantrums, they are compulsions I would have more control in a tantrum, I would think.

The worst part is I absolutely do not have the tools to deal with them and no therapist has been able to suggest a realist method of stopping it before it starts.

Think it is you need to be heard. Your voice was drowned out and you finally just have to scream and shout.

OH gawd yes, that really is the emotion behind the compulsion.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Thanks for your reactions guys, today I woke up to immediately do some exercise (tibetan rites), I hope it helps me today...
Yes I also think that the screaming is related to not being heard in my past. It's always automatic, like a flashback, I suddenly am seven years old again, except this time, very vocal...

A couple of years ago I (very much erroneously) went to visit my mother (abuser) at her house in Spain, and I finally did quite a bit of screaming at her as well, wish that would have helped but apparently it wasn't enough. Also last year I frequently screamed until I was hoarse and couldn't speak for weeks. That makes me wonder: how much self-expression is enough...? But I guess that's a complicated one...

I do realize @Fadeaway that the word "tantrum" has a negative connotation, but I choose to use that word specifically because it feels like I revert to being a child and it does feel exactly like a tantrum. Except this tantrum is happening for very good reasons. So I don't see it as a negative tantrum per sé but I understand your point of view... :)

I don't have a car haha so I can cross that one off the list. It's pretty difficult here in the Netherlands to find a place where you won't be heard. I could go scream in the forest but still someone would hear me and probably call the police.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm a bit confused and based on your triggers are overrated thread, I'd say you are in MAJOR denialafter reading this thread . My triggers make me do nothing even close to this yet you seem to believe you have control over yours. I'll just say this....You don't, not even close.

 

[Seagreen]

Oh I want to scream sooo much sometimes too! Can you find another outlet for your voice: art, writing, "singing" along to heavy metal music, theatre? What about writing an article about something you are passionate about and send it to a local newspaper? What about screaming into a pillow or underwater in the bath / sink?

 

[shimmerz]

And I'm a bit scared that I will revert to the situation in which I was last year

I had to read this posting again after @Solara 's response. It was lost to me somehow that you are in 'fear' of this happening again but it is not your reality right now.

Can you tell me @Radise , what has you thinking this:

My nervous system is on overload.

have been on a steady increase of nerves since November, but had managed to keep them under control thus far. However I've been on a steady diet of frustration (for having no job during the week) and being confronted with a social situation in the weekends at my soaring club.

And is your stress more about this quote (life situation) as opposed to triggers right now?

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

@Solara I think I have not been clear or you have understood me wrong, or probably both. I never said that I have actual control over my triggers. SOME times I have control over them. These Some Times are when I am more relaxed. Then I have an option: either engage, or don't engage. However when the stress cup is overflowing, and I'm tired and tense, it's ten times more difficult to control the automatic impulse.

That's what I would like to learn in the end, control the automatic impulse. But I realize that this sounds very contrary. When I have the automatic impulse, a little voice in my head says "Radise, is this really necessary?" and then another voice replies "no, not really", but my fears say "F both of you, I am freaking scared, so I'm doing it anyway". Fun with different sides of me! That's what I meant with old me and new me.

Edit: I have been able to control the automatic impulse, that's why I believe it should be possible to learn how to control it even in a more difficult situation, when I am more stressed...

@shimmerz by overload I mean I'm constantly so tense in a way that I will be reactive to anything. Even a hair falling on the ground, so to speak. When I am less tressed, it's much easier to ignore these little things... so when I am less stressed, I am also less prone to start screaming. I know I should find ways to become more relaxed, but it's tough, since even that 7.5 kilometer run didn't work...

 

[shimmerz]

I know I should find ways to become more relaxed

Oh, to live in the Garden of Eden prior to the serpents arrival. My heart goes out to you.

 

[shimmerz]

Just thought of something. What stopped me from needing to be silent OR scream was putting words to it. So in my head when I was mute, I would grasp even a simple word and try to expand on it. Also, the last time I screamed in my car I chose to let any words come to me that struck me. I have no idea what they meant and who they related to (and it wasn't my typical vocab) but it seemed to quench the need to repeat the process.