Reality Check Time

[scout86]

Before I do something stupid, (and I can see a lot of potential for that at the moment, in an assortment of directions) I'd appreciate input from anyone who wants to offer any. And, I did say "stupid" as opposed to "dangerous" so don't anyone panic.

As background, it appears my PTSD goes back to a somewhat scary childhood. Never had any kind of positive relationship with my mother, so far as I'm aware. (We're not going to talk about what that relationship actually was, right now.) My dad liked me & I liked him, but I never felt like I was part of a family or that I "belonged" anywhere. I was, and am, ok with that. I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm putting this here just because I know it colors how I see things and I suspect it has a lot to do with how I'm experiencing the current situation with my T. I'm just now sure HOW that's happening, and that's where I'm looking for help.

My T is a nice guy. I like him. He's scary smart, seems to be good at what he does. We get along and I don't always do "authority figures" well. He isn't perfect. He's got ADHD. He's not always real organized. I'm sure he'd drive some people nuts. Mostly that aspect doesn't bother me and I'll take the "bad" with the good. He's also been one of only 2 people in my area who DOES what he does (PTSD). The other one is someone I've met through MY profession. Something about her hits me "wrong". I know I couldn't work with her as a T, even if the horse industry wasn't too much of a small town for me to want to mix my business and her business. My point is, I don't see "find another T" to be a real good option, although it IS an option.

A few months ago, my T announced that he was severing his professional relationship with the company where he'd had his office. (This was the beginning of the road to where I am now, and there are a couple posts here about it.) At first, it only meant we'd be meeting somewhere else in the same town. Then his family convinced him to make some changes. (He's approaching retirement age, although he's said things that suggest he's not interested in retiring) The result of that was, I could keep seeing him, but it was a 2+ hour drive. HE was a little reluctant to encourage that, he said he didn't want to talk me in to doing something I didn't want to do, and he made it plain that he didn't expect me to do it. I, on the other hand, was struggling to view "He wants to get rid of me, Who could blame him? I should just make it easy and quit!" in some kind of sane and reasonable light. (What I mean by that is I'm aware that I have a tendency to make those assumptions and head down that road. But I'm not sure it's ALWAYS wrong!) I wasn't convinced I was ready to quit therapy completely, but I also didn't want to try to come up with another T.

We ended up, after some disorganization that was almost funny, deciding that I'd make the drive and keep seeing him. (He seemed surprised I was willing. I was surprised he'd been worried about "pressuring" me.)

Moving turned out to take longer than he expected. Then we had an appointment postponed due to weather and bad roads. I saw him last week for the first time this year. He's still not moved in completely. I got the feeling he's got some kind of reservations about his situation. That might be true, might be "just me", I've done the "starting over in a new place" thing often enough to know it has a LOT of "downs" to go with the "ups". I know what he MIGHT be experiencing, but I also know I might be projecting my own experiences. Since he's my T, not my friend, I didn't ask & he didn't offer, so who knows?

We had what seemed, to me, to be a weird session. I THINK what that was mostly about is he's starting over with the insurance companies too and there are some "starting therapy" bases that need to be covered, He didn't say that, but he did something similar with my second to last appointment at the old place and we actually had the last appointment because the second to the last one was handled in a way that fired up the whole, "He wants to get rid of me!" thing and we talked that through a little.

So, unfortunately, now he doesn't have a staff. He also didn't have his computer at the new office. I was supposed to email him to set up an appointment for this week because he wasn't sure of his schedule. I did that. Last Fri, in fact. I also sent an email after that with a couple of questions about a form he needed filled out. I haven't heard anything. Although he has ALWAYS encouraged me to email between appointments, he doesn't reply to all of them. I don't expect him to, and I'm used to that. (Not necessarily comfortable with it! :))

I'm trying to decide what to do. On a couple of fronts, actually. First, as of right now, I'm a little worried that something might have happened to him and how would I know? I guess I'll email him again, but I don't want to be a pest. On the other hand I have appointments to schedule with MY clients and I kind of need to know if I'm taking time one day to see my T, and which day that would be.

Beyond that, maybe I should just give up on the whole therapy thing. Yeah, I have a few issues, but I've lived my whole life this way, so who cares? Besides that, I'm old enough that I'm wondering "what's the point?" I've already messed things up personally and professionally to the point that things are what they are and will be what they will be. Why waste the limited resources on someone my age, who's nearly done anyway? I HAVE learned a lot and I'm glad I did it. I could learn more, I know. But I'm not sure there's much point to it.

So, I'm not sure if I should wait and let him get back to me, like we'd planned, or try to contact him again to set up an appointment, or contact him to say good by, or what?

Thoughts?

 

[Kintsugi]

My impression from your above post is that you have a good catalogue of stuff you could work on in therapy in addition to whatever you have been working on so far, such as feeling rejection or abandonment and worrying that you should or should not follow up again on attempting to contact him.

I can't say whether or not you should continue to see this T in particular, although it does seem you have a good connection/relationship. Is the two hours too far for you? Is there a budget concern at that distance? A time management concern? A motivational concern? That would be important for you to clarify with yourself.

If the distance is not an issue in terms of your session, but you are worried because your contact would be reduced, maybe this would be a good time to examine your feelings that there is no point in continuing therapy at this point in your life. Maybe navigating this very situation is important for you; perhaps your need to either check up on him or chuck him out of the picture is an issue you could work on in therapy. It sounds to me like you either want a T to be close enough (or to have enough staff) to be able to check up on your T, or you are getting worried and the first instinct is to eliminate the stressor (tell your T goodbye).

Why to you really want to tell him goodbye? Is therapy really not worth it for you? Can you examine your reaction/processing of this change and see things that you would like to experience/process diifferently in your future? Relationships, geological proximity, stability of communication with your support network--it's all bound to change sometimes, no matter how old or young you are. Maybe this situation is an opportunity to reassess what you next want to work on, whomever you want to work with as you move forward.

 

[Mishap]

Can you call him or is email contact the only option? If you can't reach him, you have to be respectful of your own business and clients and I would say schedule them if you can't call him or don't hear from him by "x" date. Set a deadline for yourself. If he can't get back to you by then, you'll have to see him the following week. Maybe by then he'll be settled in.

As for continuing therapy, I think only you can answer that. Trust your gut. Talk to your therapist if you can and tell him you think you're in an okay place to stop treatment and get his advice.

I wish you wisdom and good luck in making your decisions!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Which part is the reality check issue? You seem to be all over the place.

 

[scout86]

@Solara. mostly I have a strong feeling that HE doesn't want to continue this but, for some reason doesn't want to say that, We've actually talked about it in the past, and he says he can take care of himself (thank you very much!) and would have no problem saying that. But, this whole process of him relocated has been kind of.... I don't know..."unsettling?" for me and he's quite well aware of that. Could be he's thinking this wouldn't be the best time to fire me? So, I can see where that could be mostly me, and the way I tend to look at stuff, or it could be the truth. I'm not sure.

 

[City Slicker]

I get a few things from what you wrote that I wanted to touch on:

One theme I hear is that part of you that doesn't feel 'worth' having someone want to work with you, i.e., be present for you because even when this therapist has been, he kind of hasn't been present - both because of the way you mention his issues and his ambivalence about his retirement and his ultimate move and resulting transition confusion.

Another theme I get is that you seem to be 'taking care' of him - in the sense that you are adapting your life to fit whatever disfunction he has going on in his.

On the other hand I have appointments to schedule with MY clients and I kind of need to know if I'm taking time one day to see my T, and which day that would be.

I would simply propose that you make plans for your clients, make plans for your life while not waiting to see when he calls you or when he makes time for you. In other words, don't put your life on hold waiting for him. Keep moving forward and when you ultimately do have contact with him, you will be able to negotiate a time based on when and how the contact happens and if you feel you want to keep working with him.

Remember, when it comes down to it, you are buying a service. Your options may be severely limited but you are the one in the driver's seat.

I also want to gently and respectfully ask if you stay with this therapist because he is less of a 'threat' than other therapists that might actually want to be present with you - when you see your therapists' achilles heel all the time, it can sometimes throw in a dynamic of 'false' safety - in other words we can feel somehow more defended against them because they are worse off than us and hence we can somehow believe that it's because they are so flawed that they like us. I hope I am making sense there. (a bit like that old saying 'I would never join a club that would have me as a member')

Having said that I also understand the restrictions you have getting therapy in your location. But whether you stay with this therapist or not, you are worth having a therapist, a person, someone, being attentive and present. What you feel and think matters. You are not at the end. For that matter, each of us is at the end. All we have is now, this moment, right now. And you deserve someone to walk in that moment with you.

Sadly, this therapist doesn't sound like he is able to be present for himself either let alone be there for you. But you have been willing to be there for him. I don't want that to be enough for you.

You are worth it. Find someone able to walk with you in the present. If it can't be this one for whatever reason, keep the door open for a new one and some other options.

 

[scout86]

@Simply Simon , the drive isn't really a problem. My vehicle is cheap and reliable and I kind of like driving. The trip will now involve a major metro area, rather than a small town. Not my first choice, but doable. I actually have to go down there once or twice a month for meetings anyway. The original thought was maybe I could combine trips.

The other change, as far as the office goes, isn't really a problem either. I always made my appointments with him, not the front desk. He replies to my emails when he wants to, which normally means when I really need to hear from him for some reason. Now and then it's when I least expect it. There's no real reason to think that will change, assuming he gets a routine established. Knowing him, I'm picturing he's going to have some challenges getting the paperwork ducks in a row, and that's possibly what's happening now.

Support network....... I've never been a huge "support network" kind of person. I have friends, don't get me wrong. I tend, though, not to bother them with my stuff, because I don't want to wear out my welcome. Which, I guess, is what at least part of my is worried I've done here. Wondering how realistic that is is part of the reason for a "reality check". Which, now that I think about it, represents "progress" that's probably the result of therapy. A couple of years ago, it never would have occurred to me that I might be interpreting things wrong.

You might be on to something with the idea of "eliminating the stressor". I do have a tendency to react with "You can't fire me, I QUIT!"

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You can't reality check with us because we don't know your therapists reality. You must reality check with him.

 

[Recovery4Me]

It appears that your T is finding himself at the moment. Leaving an PLC structure indicates many business concerns, mind-frames and is a big step for him. As well, he probably feels responsibility to his patients which becomes difficult if he is in a transitional point within himself. It is not really about you or your lack on his end.:hug: However, your concerns to me ring 'normal' (how do you like that word he-he) for this season of wanting to heal with a therapist.

Your reality checks start within yourself. The transference of trust and submitting to a therapist is a tricky bond. Skype is covered by some insurance and is now a common method in order to acquire a therapist of choice in a method you desire. Consider all options within your self and know you are making progress as you explore your-self as well as your choices. Good job!

 

[scout86]

I also want to gently and respectfully ask if you stay with this therapist because he is less of a 'threat' than other therapists that might actually want to be present with you -

Interesting thought. Actually, he's one of the scariest people I know, because he's more insightful than the people I'm used to dealing with.

@Recovery4Me , he DOES do Skype. I'm not sure about my insurance. But mostly I'm not sure "I" do Skype. I'm not ever fond of phone calls, which is why I was going to email to set up an appointment. (He started with "Call,.." I said, "Do I HAVE to?" He said, "Then email." :wideeyed:)

 

[Recovery4Me]

lol Scout...sounds like he is out of his comfort zone. If you wish to continue with him, consider Skype after checking it out with your Insurance.

One solid reason is the vast wonderful selection of Ts. Another may be that when I had a session that really had 'movement'...driving long distances afterwards..was actually dangerous to others as well as myself because of my emotional upheavals. Perhaps if you finish each session rock solid...he is like a teddy bear, you know?

So you are your boss, but he may wish to observe you, to see when you close your eyes, how your hand gestures are, watch for stress, hear tone modulation, ect.. As well practicing this method with someone you know may open doors to other Ts with your newly acquired skill set.

Hey, just offering thoughts...:hug: Take what you need and leave the rest.:tup:

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @scout86 , I can't read all responses here for detail, I can only say I think (for me) it's so much about trust- not just therapy but all things; trust it's not a burden, trust in others, trust in my decisions, trust in my feelings or thoughts, trust in hope (even others'), trust the horrible parts can be overcome, etc etc etc. But, in the process of trusting, (therefore) the ability to turn down the volume of the ptsd when it rears it's head really horribly, especially.

To trust it will be ok & therefore to continue on without looking for, or being worried about, reasons it's best not to, or to go away (or even at it's worst maybe that's what SI is too? ) They always say 'maintenance' but I think that's part of the 'how to' do that part.

:hug: