Why Do I Have To Be Polite?!

[sun seeker]

For you, this might be a chance to learn stronger boundaries too - which is actually the most respectful way to treat another person. The most polite way to be. For both of you.

Yes, I think you are correct. I appreciate others who are clear on what they are able to do rather than letting me guess. I'm not very good at this myself. I know what it looks like, it's just hard to get the words out. Come to think of it, it's easy enough with my friends, when my boundaries aren't cutting them off completely. Things like "I need to go make supper now, we'll talk again another day" when I actually do want to talk again another day and that doesn't threaten the relationship. With someone I don't want to talk to - at all, ever - I don't know how to get that across in a way that isn't exceedingly uncomfortable for both of us. The two options I can think of are to go ahead and say it and let it be uncomfortable, or to find a reason why I can't talk right now and repeat every time I see him until he gets tired of trying.

 

[ghotiff]

Yes, after a while I started doing that, but he kept on asking questions.

With this as the result I'm thinking that your closed statements were not closed enough (a true closed statement leaves nowhere for the conversation to go, other than a change of topic). Or, he doesn't respond to this approach (maybe a narsasist thing).

On your other comment...
For me, I can have stronger boundaries with friends because I do not fear their reaction to my boundary, I know they will not hurt me or derive pleasure from crossing it. With strangers I do not have this confidence. Just sharing in case it helps.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

What about asking him that you do not feel comfortable with the topic and then make your get away just a thought.

 

[sun seeker]

Or, he doesn't respond to this approach (maybe a narsasist thing

I think that's more likely. Most people are sensitive enough to other people's cues that if the other person is repeatedly not responding in a way that shows interest, they will realize the interest in the conversation isn't there. For a narcissist, no one could possibly not be fascinated with their company and every word they say, so they'll keep trying until they get the reaction they are looking for. Just guessing, but it seems to fit. My ex husband was a narcissist, and he paid zero attention even to my clear communication that I wasn't interested in a relationship with him and just kept trying till I eventually gave in. (That's a whole other story, and not one I'm proud of, but it's how it happened.)

I can have stronger boundaries with friends because I do not fear their reaction to my boundary, I know they will not hurt me or derive pleasure from crossing it. With strangers I do not have this confidence.

Exactly. Which begs the question of why we care so much what strangers think. For me, I think it's about not being clear enough about who I am to keep on knowing I'm a good person even if someone else doesn't think so. Drat. More stuff to work on.

 

[Tanishq]

[DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/16068/"]@Tanishq[/DLMURL] I think I project after reading your post. I feel if I am silent that I am dismissing and not hearing which is a real 'button' for me.

Shimmerz, I don't think you are projecting at all. You are perceiving and learning it seems. That's what narcissists do, make you second guess and doubt by pushing your buttons. You have to stand firm with yourself with trust in yourself. I think you can achieve this by practicing over and over.

Yes @Recovery4Me wrote down very nicely. I am in awe with wonder. Her description makes me feel I am in martial art class learning about self defense.

 

[Tanishq]

My ex husband was a narcissist, and he paid zero attention

Another narc. traits. They never pay attention to others.

Hang in there sun seeker. :)

 

[Freedomfighter]

All I can say is: be very very careful. Be careful with him AND her as well. You have no idea what can happen in these situations, the outcome of such messed up domestic situations will often turn life threatening, even to the ones that attempt to help.

She will tell you what happened, then he will try to tell what happened. Before you know it you will be involved in a very nasty domestic situation over which you have no control anymore.

 

[Ronin]

Kroatien's concern, dtto.
On another hand also, it's not your responsibility. He, or his wife, or their relationship.
Basically it's up to you. You don't *have* to be polite in any situation you enter, you just have to weight how much may it cost and whom, and if it's a price you're willing to pay.

 

[Neverthesame]

Half serious suggestion, pepper spray.

I say half serious as pepper spraying a stranger in the street (without a good reason) is considered assault in Canada if I recall lol. But perhaps a more firm approach is needed in convincing this guy that you are not interested in being acquainted with him on any level?

Mind you, I am not overly familiar with all of the dynamics of dealing with a narcissist. This might be really bad advice.