Things Are Getting Worse, Could This Mean A Breakthrough Is Coming?

[Determinedone]

I've been posting a lot of the challenges I've faced since my husband returned from Afghanistan almost 2 years ago. From the start of his return he's been sleeping with his own blanket and can't handle and or refuses touch, affection, conversation and anything else that remotely requires emotions or memories of them. Love, affection and general concern are no longer a part of his life. His days are spent working followed by long hours at the gym and then now he comes home doesn't eat showers and goes straight to bed. If you ask him anything it's a full blown argument and you can hear the rage in his voice. Intimacy is amazin when he can handle it which is rare. It barely happens anymore. He is distant to not only me but our sons as well and they are teenagers they new their father.
It is somewhat odd to me that he can communicate with his father and have some concern for him as well as our daughter who is grown. Yet when I ask if he feels he's getting closer to them he says no if it happens fine if not oh well. He doesn't need anyone.

He also went to the hospital one night last week and when he got home I mentioned trying to call him. His response was I was at the hospital not that you give a damn. I mentioned the fact he neve told me and he cursed me out saying he needs no one an went to bed. He wouldn't even tell me why he went.
So he made it a point to ruin all three holidays and the worst was New Year's Eve when he announced wh was going to leave for 6 mths I see if he still wanted to be with me? So here we are in January and he's still here saying he's trying to find a place. So I ask him why do you wanna leve your family? He said it's you idont wanna be around everything you say or do makes me angry? When I ask why or if he could explain he just started cussing saying he's not going to get into it because e will go off and if I ask him again he will just leave.

The last few weeks have been strange one nite I woke up to him doing sit ups in the bed and the bathroom light was on? Along with all the lights in the house. Once a month he will watch a movie with us but when he does he sits in the computer chair right in front of the tv as if we aren't even there. One nite he was in the kitchen making a sandwich and thought he was still overseas? We've got financial stress on top of all of this because e refuses to open the mail but won't let me open it either. He's paranoid about everything I say or do. This is crazy we've always been close and confided in one another. How do you fix this?

So I'm at a total state of confusion as far as what to do here. He did admit mid December that he's damage goods and all messed up in the head. I explained to him that's a breakthrough. He didn't know how to respond. I'm still veryuch in love with my husband 21yrs and counting. I'm in no hurry to start over, but something's got to start changing soon this isn't fair to me or our children.

Would be grateful for insight from someone who's going through this and can explain it to me from his point of view. Just dot understand why he would wanna seperate and not divorce when he doesn't even try when he's here.

 

[Mishap]

He did admit mid December that he's damage goods and all messed up in the head. I explained to him that's a breakthrough. He didn't know how to respond.

This concerns me more than anything else you wrote. I can't speak as someone who has war induced PTSD, but from a different form. I know when I say things like that, like "I'm broken" or "my brain is effed up" I'm coming from a place of anger and self-loathing. Not from a place of health and awareness. For you to basically say, "Yes, you're right, you're damaged goods, good job!" of course he wouldn't know what to say.

I'm sure that's the last thing you meant to say, but I'd bet dollars to donuts that's how it came across to him. I suspect there have been other instances where similar things have occurred. I'm not blaming you, please understand. I'm just trying to explain from this side of the line. If there's no other reason for the anger directed at you (which seems to be a lot according to what you say), you might be doing something like this more than you think.

Is his father a Veteran? That may be why he can communicate with him more easily. As for your older daughter perhaps because he doesn't feel directly responsible for her? I don't know. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you.

With your husband being a Veteran, does he have help? Is he in therapy? Is family or marital or even just therapy for you available? I know the VA can be bad about handing out a prescription and calling it done.

He's obviously having flashbacks at night. He needs to get in to see someone sooner rather than later if at all possible.

I hate to see our Veterans go through this. It angers me. They should be treated far better than they are when they come home. The least we could do is give them good healthcare.

 

[Eleanor]

What you say and what he hears may be very VERY different things. Do you check to see what he heard/understood?

He needs serious help. Symptoms do get worse before they get better when they are being treated - See Anthony's posts about that - but if he is not being treated/actively working on healing it will just get worse.

That said, you and the kids need help too. It is very very hurtful to be around someone who acts this way, and over a long period it can cause a lot of emotional damage.

 

[Determinedone]

My apologies I wrote this is such a hurry. Let me explain. We were having lunch a rare thing when I said something and he laughed. He responded with I'm damaged goods no one wants me I'm all f'd up in the head. I replied I'm here and I still want you. I love you and admiting this is the first step to healing.

But I do think you have a point because the last 6 mths anythig I say sends him through the roof. Even if I ask how his day went or day how handsome he looks. What should I do? I've been giving him space but that seems to be making him pull even further away? Unfortunately he's not a veteran. He's a g

 

[Determinedone]

Eleanor- you've got a point. I do believe he's hearing somethig different than what I say. For example when he said he's leaving and we will seperate, I ask if he's gonna see other people? His response was ohhhh you must wanna sleep around. I ask why leave our home and seperate why can't you just try to work on u here? He said he's been doing that and it's not working? I don't agree or I he is in his eyes he's totally confused because he's emotionally detached from us all. So he responds with fine I'll just divorce your ass yea that's hat I'll do and you will have nothing. Better yet get out of our house? My response was why would I leve our sons need stability and I'm not the one who doesn't want my family anymore. He responds with it's not my fairly I don't want it's you. We don't get along. This is hard for me to accept because he can't handle an adult conversation on any level and yea it's affecting us all. Our sons are begin in to resent him not just for how he's treating me but how he isn't there for them either

 

[Mishap]

My apologies I wrote this is such a hurry. Let me explain. We were having lunch a rare thing when I said something and he laughed. He responded with I'm damaged goods no one wants me I'm all f'd up in the head. I replied I'm here and I still want you. I love you and admiting this is the first step to healing.

The situation doesn't change the meaning of the words. I don't believe he was "admitting" to anything. I think it was a statement of frustration, possibly self hatred. One doesn't typically say something like that from a healthy mindset.

You said to him essentialy, "I love you, but finally you know you're f'ed up, now you can get better." Which again, he's not going to know how to respond to.

You can change the situation 100 times, the words and ultimately his mindset will still be the same. His mindset is what is important in this. I don't believe you're reading his mindset appropriately, even when pointed out to you, and that may be the root of some frustration.

 

[Eleanor]

Lost the end of your first post... he was in Afghanistan as a contractor?

The "in and out" thing is SO confusing.

What you can do it to take care of yourself and your kids. Model good behavior and get yourself and kids signed up for therapy. You can't really help him if he is not committed to helping himself. You CAN make it obvious he needs help by setting clear limits about how he treats you and the kids. His behavior as you describe it is abusive. It is certainly neglectful.

Does he understand that his behavior is way out there? It helps if you can just name the behavior - no attribution of emotion or motivation or anything. Just flat: You were doing sit ups in the bathroom at 3 AM. You are sleeping in the hall in a blanket with no pillow. That kind of thing.

Sounds very familiar. My H has PTSD from childhood abuse, complicated by a bunch of abusive relationships after... he is getting better. A LOT better. AND it is because 1) he realized he had a problem - over the top emotional stuff, acting out etc that had no basis in current reality 2) he got help 3) he is really really stubborn and does the work 4) I finally started not accepting bad behavior 5) I got real about my own issues 6) we got an awesome couples therapist a no-bullshit guy who will throw the bullshit flag on him. (and me)

Some tools that really helped me : Non-Violent Communication techniques
The Verbally Abusive Relationship - Evans (book to identify verbal abuse - scary accurate)
Running on Empty - Childhood Emotional Neglect - Webb (book that I figured out my core issues - not what happened, but what didn't happen)
You don't have to take it anymore - Stosney (relationship book for people who've gotten into a pattern of abuse)

 

[Eleanor]

YES, as Mishap said

You can change the situation 100 times, the words and ultimately his mindset will still be the same.

The root of the problem is that he is NOT RESPONSIVE TO THE PRESENT SITUATION. He is trapped in the past, or maybe more accurately in an activation pattern from the past that keeps holding on and he is stuck in that brings weird beliefs and inappropriate interpretations with it.

 

[Mishap]

I was waiting for the end of your other post as well. I'm with @Eleanor on therapy. You haven't said if he's in it or not. Or if you are. It sounds like family as well as individual therapy would be helpful to all of you. If he's not in it, I would see about getting him some as soon as you can. Same goes for you. I think you may be triggering him without even realizing it. That doesn't give him an excuse to treat you badly. No one deserves to be treated badly. There's only so much strangers on a forum can do to help though. Please seek counseling and if you feel like he's a danger to himself or your family, call the hospital or 911.

 

[Determinedone]

He's In denial says nothing is wrong we just don't get along. He returned this way. His father isn't a vet just suddenly I'll and needs help. It's idd though his father has wronged him yet he wants to be there but still treats me badly? I was in counseling until I noticed she began speaking from her pov instead of being a professional. For exale saying the next time he was direspectful to grab my keys shut my phone off and leave for the night. When I returned she wanted me to tell him it was none of his business where I was an u til he got his shit together this would continue? I don't agree with those games and decided she wasn't the best therapist.

Eleanor your right he is not responsive to the situation in fact he told me that he doesn't wanna talk to me unless it's about bills. Said e can't speak about relationship stuf fight now he has to much goin on. I ask if I can help he always no. It's none of my business. No danger or threat of one unless havin a broken heart counts. I don't no whether to let him go or hold on? I wish I knew what e really wanted I wanna be here for him and wait this out but he's gotta want it for himself. And for some reason he feels like I'm the reason for all his problems

 

[Justmehere]

Things sound really awful right now. This has got to be so hard on you and your sons. He is saying some really painful things to you. I admire your heart and endurance in this situation. I would be a complete mess if my husband was treating me that way and being so distant and harsh.

In response to your title question, I am not sure what you mean by "breakthrough." PTSD isn't an illness where insight alone will lead to PTSD symptoms getting better. It's not like we just realize we are f*cked up and then finally we will get better. Denial is a hug impediment to getting better, but just knowing that there is a problem isn't enough. Taking action to get support is what leads to things getting better.

How do you fix this?

You can't. You can not fix him or change him.

He can only change himself. The only thing you can change is you.

You are offering support, and I think your intentions are very good. He is saying things that would hurt any wife and mom. Your pain is probably leaking through even when you are rtying to offer support. People with PTSD in general tend to be super aware of others emotions. You may not mean to communicate to him all the things he is taking in, but he is probably picking up on your very real pain about him and he is interpreting it to mean rejection of him, and then he lashes and acts out more, and then you hurt more, and then more of your pain comes through... I think you both are stuck in a vicious cycle.

He needs trauma therapy. If he is choosing to not get it, the best thing you can do is to hold gentle clear boundaries about his hurtful statements. Express that you support him, but that his comments are hurtful to you.

Marriage therapy would probably be a very good idea so that both of you can learn how to communicate with each other and come up with a workable plan. Perhaps his effort to find a new place to live might actually be an open door for you to require he get therapy if he wants to be at your place with your boys. Or perhaps there is another way that you can require he get therapy in order for you to do something that he wants you to do.

And most importantly, I highly recommend seeking counseling or other support that is just for you. Not because there is anything wrong with you or because this is all your fault, but because this is REALLY HARD to endure. The number one thing supporters can do to support their sufferers is to make sure they have a lot of support themselves. This is very painful stuff to be going through and anyone in your shoes could benefit greatly from having more support to get through this. In the end, the only person that you really can change is you, and therapy might be a good place to get support, heal from the pain of his behaviors and statements, and learn ways to communicate better, and find some relief from all of this. It may also be a very tangible way to show him that therapy can help. That he is not just the sick one and you are the one who is all ok - but that you are both broken, and there is a possibility to move towards healing together. If you ask for help for you, it just might help him ask help for himself.

 

[joeylittle]

Unfortunately he's not a veteran. He's a g

Do you mean your husband's father is not a Veteran?

He's In denial says nothing is wrong we just don't get along. He returned this way.

He's not in denial. He has PTSD. These are two different things. Minimizing or avoiding intimacy issues is the symptom, not "denial". I can read the frustration in your voice and would suggest that actually trying to debate this stuff with him is not going to help either of you. Can you get into couples' counseling?

If not, I think you should prioritize getting another therapist for yourself, ideally one who is experienced in both marriage/family counseling and trauma/PTSD. Make sure that the therapist is open to seeing the both of you, or you and your kids, as needed. There's a big aspect about how to deal with the stress your marriage is under that can be addressed just by you giving yourself support and an outlet, so you are in a better headspace when you encounter his symptoms.