Things Are Getting Worse, Could This Mean A Breakthrough Is Coming?

[Determinedone]

Just me here- I went to therapy for about six months he was aware I told him. Ask him to join or see someone else he didn't wNt to. He also keeps telling me to sleep with one of my friends because he isn't in the mood? Strange. Also what do

 

[Determinedone]

Joey little- lol not laughing at you just laughing at the fact it's so noticeable even via the internet. No wonder I've ran most of my friends off... Lol. Sometimes you have to laugh to avoid the tears. Thanks to everyone for the advice every once in a while I post an update on here to make sure I haven't somehow gottn lost in the storm myself. I will start looking for a new therapist next week.

 

[Eleanor]

For exale saying the next time he was direspectful to grab my keys shut my phone off and leave for the night.

I also think leaving for the night to an undisclosed location is not right - if only because you have kids (don't care how old) at home. BUT I do agree that if he is being verbally aggressive and cannot disengage when you ask him to that you need to leave. It was only when I started doing this (and boy oh boy did the sparks fly! It was ugly..) that he started to get a lot better.

Did your husband have a bad relationship before yours? Did his folks have a bad breakup/marriage? He might be re-enacting.

It bears repeating: You cannot help him. He must fix himself.

And it is also worth trying this on: If he is not getting help and trying to change this is just another garden variety abusive relationship.

Harsh. But that is the difference: Whether BOTH of you are trying to get better or not. If one isn't, it is just an abusive relationship.

Threatening to end the relationship is abuse. Suggesting you sleep with other people is abuse. Stonewalling is abuse.

If there aren't "windows" of him being ok... and if he is making no effort to get better, I have to ask: what are you staying for? PTSD doesn't get better on its own.

I apologize for being so blunt. It was hard for me to hear (and harder to get it through my skull) that my H was being abusive to me and my daughter. But he was. I had to be told in so many words several times. He knew something was wrong tho, and he worked hard to get better.

 

[Determinedone]

Eleanor- no need for apologies. Thank you for sharing your story. Are you still with your husband? What changed things? Mine is bullheaded and strong willed and I am the same. Your insight has gave me a different perspective on things. I've been with him 21yrs. If this was someone I didnt have much time with I would've left a long time ago. I'm trying to exhaust all options before making a decision I may regret

 

[Justmehere]

Just me here- I went to therapy for about six months he was aware I told him. Ask him to join or see someone else he didn't wNt to.

Many sufferers get into therapy when the pain of their symptoms and the consequences of their symptoms is greater than their fear of therapy. Not really because we want to.

That is great that you have done it before and are going to look into it again. I think it would be good to find a trauma therpaist who can really help explain his behaviors in a different light. Many of them sound like someone who is very overwhelmed with PTSD symptoms. None of us can diagnose, but what you see as him being weird doesn't actually seem so weird when coming from someone with PTSD. Having PTSD is NO EXCUSE for being a rude jerk and not getting help. I'm inly saying that there are different possible explaination a for his behavior and a trauma therapist could beat strategize with you how to respond and handle it all.

I would work with a therpaist on setting boundaries around his behavior. This may help with your frustration, and help him really be faced with the consequences of his untreated PTSD.

I get the feeling that you are asking and asking him to change and telling him e is messed up - but then just absorbing all of it and then getting more frustrated and overwhelmed.

He also keeps telling me to sleep with one of my friends because he isn't in the mood? Strange. Also what do

If you did this, then he would have something that he could clearly blame you for and take the attention off him and his PTSD. It is very unhealthy and sabotaging behavior, but it makes sense in light of somebody who is really acting out and not getting help.

There is a way to tell somebody that their behavior is unacceptable and hurtful, without coming across in a way that is quite so judgmental. I know you don't mean to be judgmental of him, but a lot of what you write feels that way. It might be part of why he's increasingly feeling insecure and like you don't like him anymore.

Right now, not getting treatment is working just well enough for him to not do what it takes to change... You may have to let him hit his rock-bottom before he will turn around and best and treatment and change. That is a very hard process to go through for supporters. The more support you can get around you and your boys, the better you all will ride this out.

What may come ahead is that you will have to start setting boundaries with his behavior, and he will be faced with the fact that he needs to get his butt in the treatment or he's going to lose you. I understand that he also feels pretty helpless, but there is hope and help out there.

If he was investing his time in treatment, and looking for ways to get better, I think I would have a different response. It really seems like he's trying to put all of it on you anyway that he can. I think you're going to have to put up some internal and external boundaries up, in a gentle, nonjudgmental, but clear way and that's going to be the best possibility to motivate him for change. Doing that takes up a lot of skill and strength, but with a good therapist, I think you have enough fortitude and compassion to be able to do it.

My heart goes out to you. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 1860]

What do you mean by breakthrough? Some of us have to lose everything before we seek help. Sometimes rock bottom means near death.

 

[Mishap]

You say you've been posting updates here for the last six months about your husband. I went and read them because I was concerned and wanted a better understanding and was hoping to learn if he's been in therapy of any kind. However, all your posts are almost identical in nature. Most of the comments are very similar to the comments in this thread. You both still need the same therapy that was recommended to you in September. I'm still not sure if your husband has ever seen a therapist.

I understand the need for moral support. But why come back over and over again with the same story to get the same answers if you aren't willing to accept the advice?

Forgive me if I'm way off base here, but it seems more like attention seeking behavior to me than looking for genuine help. Which would really bother me because this seems like an amazing group of people who want nothing more than to relate to and help others with (or living with someone with) PTSD. I may be a new member of this community, but it's not okay with me for that generosity to be misused. Again, apologies if I'm out of line, but reading through it all, I don't believe I am.

 

[Determinedone]

Mishap- your way off base. I haven't wnt back and reread all my posts. Honestly each day I get through makes me stronger. I have no family other than my spouse and sons. So your wrong. If my posts seem repetitive it's because the situation hasn't budged much. And I have gotten help, but the counselor I went to turned out to not have our best interest at heart. I would never take advantage of this group. I value everyone's advice or I wouldn't return. The truth is every so often it's nice to make sure I haven't totally stepped off the path because everything has been the same without little or no break. I'm sorry you feel that way but at the same time I'm a little concerned that you posted this comment and took the time to go back and read all my posts then speak negative about my character when you don't know much about me. I feel were all hear to listen, guide and offer support, each of us is going through something and the last thing we should do is judge another. Praying for peace not just for me but for everyone on this site and this includes you. If I've learned nothing else during this journey I've learned that hurt people hurt people. I'm blessed that I haven't gotten to that point. Because despite my storm I'm still showing love and concern to everyone I come in contact with....

 

[Justmehere]

@Determinedone - I don't think you are seeking attention - and if you are, well then maybe you need some healthy attention and support. Sometimes that is ok.

You are right that these kinds of situations do take time to work through. I also think @Mishap is bringing up a good point. You do post about more or less the same things happening, and you do get more or less the same advice, and it seems like you are doing and responding in more or less the same ways to him and to the situation as a whole. It's not good or bad, it just is what seems to be happening.

I think you and your sufferer are both experiencing this reality: if you keep doing what you are doing - you are going to keep getting the same results.

You can keep coming back here about the same problems and folks will be here to give feedback if you want. Sometimes I have needed to be reminded of the same stuff a few times before I really could make any changes, and even then, I still needed the reminders.

You are delighted when your sufferer breaks through his own denial. But it's not just sufferers that have denial. Sometimes supporters do too. It's not because you have done anything wrong, it's part of being human. Denial is a defense mechanism against pain. The more denial someone has about a pattern, the more pain they are in. What you are going through is AWFUL and horrible and really painful. It's ok if you are stuck in a pattern and keep asking the same things. Folks here will probably pick up on it and point it out, and you can take the feedback that fits and disregard the rest.

It does seem like you are making some changes. I think you are taking some great steps to reach out for therapeutic support again. Not every therapist is a good fit. You already have a good plan to connect with a new therapist. You can even have consults with a few - many will do it for free or even talk on the phone to get a feel of how they work.

In the meantime, maybe there are some other changes you can make to figure out a different way to get through all of this.

No matter what you do, all of this will take time before it gets better.

Hang in there and remember that this forum isn't against you. Your last post comes across as very bitterly angry. Anything you post here is likely to get a wide range of responses - take what fit for you and remember you can always discard what doesn't fit.

 

[Determinedone]

@Justmehere you may have a point. Please accept my apology. I don't mean to sound angry, and your last post explains a lot of why I'm currently dealing with. I'm actually makin same major changes in fact the last two weeks have been full of them. So hopefully this is going to change things for the better. That's actually why I posted today because I needed confirmation on a few things one more time. Thanks for listening.

 

[Determinedone]

What's the difference between a trauma specialist and a counselor?

 

[Eleanor]

My husband and I are still together. It was a long LONG seven years, and we may or may not be out of the woods. I had to learn to really disengage from him. I had to learn to walk away when he was being horrible to me. He tried to stop me several times. The last time he tried to stop me I had dialed 911, and that REALLY pissed him off. He said "You would call the cops on me?" And I replied, "Yes, when you do something illegal and try to keep me from leaving I will call the cops." And it never happened again.

Lots of things did it for us. Therapists. Anti depressants. Both of us really working HARD to understand ourselves first and then the other. In one way my situation may be more straightforward than yours, I picked someone with PTSD and probably structural dissociation too - and so, because I subscribe to this theory that we only fall in love with people who are exactly as screwed up as we are only in "opposite" ways, I was forced to look at how I might be screwed up to the same degree he was... which I surely did not think I was. But... I was. Am. His crazy is on the surface, mine is hard to see. But crazy I am, no doubt about it. (Sorry if anyone doesn't like the word "crazy." I like it because it sounds right, all mixed up, hopefully kind of funny, but definitely disordered.) I was clear all along that we BOTH needed fixing, he has only recently come to that realization - and it really really helped him to see how he has misinterpreted me over the years.

Bottom line tho is that he almost certainly would not have gotten better if I hadn't continually told the truth about his bad behavior and learned to respond in a non-violent way that put my own interests first. You have to learn to do what is best for YOU if you are going to be any good to anyone else. And you have boys who need a whole, present, functioning parent. You are going to have to let him take care of himself. Or not. He will stand or fall. There are no guarantees. You cannot do for him. It sucks.

IMO: If his presence is poisoning the atmosphere in your home, he needs to take himself someplace else. That is his duty as a father and a man. Your duty is to make sure your children have a safe, caring and nurturing home. Boys are often emotionally neglected in our culture. Please don't assume your boys are ok because they are not in trouble or making noise. And know that your husband is modeling truly awful behavior for them, and they are likely confused as hell as to why you are putting up with it. Remember, everything you do teaches them what is ok, and what they can expect. Do you want them to act like you or him? What would you like to see them do in similar situations?