Stuck In Survival Mode

[Chava]

This might be my most chronic and annoying "symptom". Not sure if it's even a thing for others here. ? It's simultaneously real and also a distraction. By real I mean I've self-destructed so bad...so in the past it was like a constant daily struggle to stay minimally existent. Now I take mostly good care of myself but have chronic pain. The pain is real. But when I'm not doing well otherwise, it becomes magnified and intolerable and I feel like I'm just operating on "survival" energy. I don't invest in enjoyable hobbies, I don't put any effort into relationships, I don't even take care of my house. I'm just trying to not die. Well, I'm NOT DYING.

I noticed this with my eating disorder in the past...that I felt best when I was physically suffering. Feeling "good" felt horrible and awkward. Feeling starved, zoned out, and like I was struggling to hang on, felt just right. No energy left for relationships or anything else. In some ways that felt physically normal. In some ways it felt like the best I deserved.

I can't explain it any better. But even when I'm taking good care of myself, it's like an exhausting daily effort....it is distracting (and probably distraction with purpose, like from other shit I don't know what to do about). But I also have a hard time just finding a groove like others.

I default to feeling like i'm just struggling to survive all the time. The scenery may change, but this goes on and on. New insurance company won't pay for my trauma therapy. So, of course my pain is horrid (it's real and I've been referred to a good clinic for better diagnosis, but like I said, also intensified by other factors). If I can't have my therapist, I need good doctors. I do not put energy into relationships but need to connect with people who can maybe save me in my survival crisis. So with the thought of losing my therapist I'm extra picky about finding the right doctor or pain specialist. I will almost trade, totally unwittingly, one health disaster for another, just so I know I can find the right context for barely surviving. This is a step up for me because I used to get no help from anyone....just crumbled apart. Now it's like I am going through juvenile attachment needs with people who can rescue me in my survival distress.

Well, that's not totally the point...but it helps to see that even if I keep replaying this, it is changing. I'm in survival mode again, but I keep advocating for myself and asking for help now. How I found my therapist. And a pretty good doc and better tests coming up. But it's all think about...scraping by, barely surviving (even if to outside appearances I am doing well, survival mode usually feels just as crazy as ER, ICU, assault....same intense focus on just getting through in one piece...

But I have no life.

 

[sun seeker]

it becomes magnified and intolerable and I feel like I'm just operating on "survival" energy.

I've felt like that for.. I don't know, two years maybe? And I don't have chronic pain like you do. It's no wonder you have no energy left for anything but survival.

You mention distraction. Here's a question to ponder: if you were suddenly free of the pain, what would you have to face? Could you make a choice to not face it until you're good and ready, without the need for the pain? I wonder if turning the situation on its head could give you back a little bit of power.

 

[Chava]

What would I do? In therapy I'd have to focus on the trauma stuff more consistently. In life Id have to focus on more normal relationships....not just with those who are obligated to help me because I am paying them and do trust they can take care of me (medical people, etc). My earliest attachments were probably to nurses and non-family. Anyway, if I were free of pain and survival mode of all forms, I'd have to face everything I don't know how to do. I hate pain, but I know how to isolate myself so well..

 

[Deleted member 28986]

@Chava,

Thanks for sharing.

When I do struggle with appetite, there's definitely a calm, vacant numbness for me that masks hunger and, to an extent, other physical pain. (I deal with chronic pain too. Hugs.)

You mentioned that your insurance won't cover trauma therapy. But they will cover some kinds of therapy for you, right? I thought they had to now with the new laws... If you don't like your health plan, it's still open enrollment for health insurance this year for another couple weeks.

Now it's like I am going through juvenile attachment needs with people who can rescue me in my survival distress.

Gosh that sounds familiar to me right now. I've had a few wrenches thrown in my survival game in the past couple weeks, and I'm tired of dodging them. It looks like I'll still be dodging them for a while now.

You mentioned how others can't perceive that you're not doing well in this survival mode."Well, you seem fine." I hate that!!

Uggh.

I am reminding myself that life will get better. It's just a question of how much and when.

 

[sun seeker]

Anyway, if I were free of pain and survival mode of all forms, I'd have to face everything I don't know how to do.

This makes perfect sense. You're taking care of yourself the best way you know how. Your body is pretty clever.

For me, I don't have chronic pain as a huge issue like you, but I do have frequent migraines and other kinds of pain fairly often, and sometimes I've thought when I'm in so much pain that's all I can focus on, it's a way to give myself a vacation from the emotions that are really hurting me. Also, physical pain is more socially acceptable than emotional pain (I know, you've gotten to the point where you worry that it isn't). Our minds and bodies have a complicated circular relationship. May you come to a place of ease for your entire being. That's my hope for you.

 

[mamachick]

I have been "just surviving" for years now. I had an accident that included a traumatic brain injury. It changed my whole life, though I did not give into it at the time. I tried to keep up the facade that I was the same person. I tried to cover up when I couldnt remember a word, or my executive function did not work, or bill paying was a chore. Once quick and witty, now slow to catch on, and eventually overwhelmed. It caused me to make choices that I would have otherwise not made, like a person I dated then couldnt get away from gracifully. Eventually I had to quit my job. Then was assaulted by a cop who insisted I was someone else. Basically I was kidnapped, because there was no legitimate charge. This created ptsd on top of the brain injury. Since that time, I try so hard to be productive, but become so overwhelmed that I fall into exhaustion and go to bed for weeks at a time, just surviving, too tired to care about food. (I have an extensive list of medical problems that include a lot of pain too). So when I am up and trying to stay on top of things, I have to pace myself, such as with physical things and brain things balanced rather than attack a large project, such as cleaning all day, or doing brain work like filing and taxes all day. I feel like I just go round in circles. It is very frustrating. Since this assault, I have become somewhat self destructive, I think I dissociate, loose time, just vegitate. Its awful. Im sorry others experience this. I just try to keep a positive attitude and remember we all need to appreciate who we are more than what we do.

 

[Chava]

This makes perfect sense. You're taking care of yourself the best way you know how. Your body is pretty clever.

Thank you for that. I feel like such an idiot so often. But in many ways I'm not so in lots of ways I assume what I'm feeling/doing just doesn't make sense to me yet. I do avoid trying to kill myself and usually care about myself somewhat lately. Progressing slowly. I do think something is wrong though.

Physical pain absolutely feels more acceptable than emotional vulnerability, pain, or weakness or mental illness of any kind (but still unacceptable). I'm sure the physical pain has gotten worse and that there is some explanation for it. But I am totally aware of my need for concrete pain and also a concrete answer and treatment (like you have "this and this" physical problem or disorder and we can do this sort of therapy). If I can't do somatic trauma therapy I still need someone to help me with how terrible it is for me to have a body sometimes. I can't sit and chat about it. I need a concrete expression of the pain. So, even if it's real pain and even if I could get help for it, I'm sort of dependent on it sometimes. It's like anorexia...a concrete but silent way of being hurt badly.

 

[Chava]

@brat17 and @The One Who Knocks thanks for sharing and relating, too. The compounded trauma (like accident + relational or rape) gets really yucky and hard to sort out. Talk therapy never helped much at all, and that's what is covered in my network, which has been chosen by my work. I don't have choices in this regard.

My therapist does Somatic Experiencing and other body-focused trauma stuff, which has felt a lot more hopeful. No doubt I feel some unraveling about all of this, but I don't know how to NOT unravel. Numbing out seems worse. I think it's just pretty good I'm basically functioning, in a load of pain and sometimes wanting to die but not actually planning anything or even hurting myself. My body is attacking itself plenty without my extra help!

It's very weird to want to die and yet be so serious about advocating for your own healthcare...seems like an insane contradiction. But for me it's about feeling powerless. If I get sucked into old-new situations where I'm in a lot of pain and nobody will hear me (or worse yet tell me my pain isn't real, or something that feels like gaslighting), then I notice more of the wanting to kill myself, almost as a way of self-soothing or feeling like I ultimately have some power. Not going to do anything like kill myself...just noticing how this works and I keep looking for help (whatever is in network...shit)....as long as I'm not giving up on that I'm not admitting to total and final powerlessness. It's a little messed up, but that's how it is...

 

[mamachick]

I understand about the thoughts of suicide. I think that it is something that we tuck in the back of our mind to remind us that we always have this mode of escape if it gets too tough, yet we are not ready to throw the towel in yet. I am glad to hear that you are advocating for your health. Its a positive sighn. I am too right now, I just have so many illnesses besides the ptsd and tbi sequalea. That is such a good description "my body is attacking itself"= I never thought of those words, but so accurate. Just as an autoimmune disease attacks the self, ptsd is that was as well. I think a lot of people with ptsd have autoimmune diseases. I find it so hard just staying on the forward path and not straying. I mean not getting sucked into negativity. I try to remind myself that once I was a tigger and I dont want to be an Eeyore.

 

[new gamma rays]

It's very weird to want to die and yet be so serious about advocating for your own healthcare...seems like an insane contradiction. But for me it's about feeling powerless. If I get sucked into old-new situations where I'm in a lot of pain and nobody will hear me (or worse yet tell me my pain isn't real, or something that feels like gaslighting), then I notice more of the wanting to kill myself, almost as a way of self-soothing or feeling like I ultimately have some power. Not going to do anything like kill myself...just noticing how this works and I keep looking for help (whatever is in network...shit)....as long as I'm not giving up on that I'm not admitting to total and final powerlessness. It's a little messed up, but that's how it is...

That's exactly how my life is right now. If I really sat down and was honest about how I really don't think I can live long term with what I have (a deep seated infection and horrible autoimmune pain) I would freak out, I mentally wouldn't be able to deal with it, and would be terrified someone would hospitalize me at that point . So I keep making dr's appt's and deal with very tiny issues to pretend I will be able to face it after these issues. The last couple of months I have been to two distinctly different doctors, hoping to get results out of either one of them with my adrenal insufficiency or my pain, but they both ended up doing a double take at some of my lab values which are very out of range, and told me I need to fix that first. Its kind of complicated though, and I haven't prepared myself mentally for seeing a doctor who will see past the test results and listen to me. LIke you said its more about never wanting to be powerless, but I just end up dragging my feet, and in fact being a lot closer to suicide in my thinking later on.

I don't really have much to add, but I've been in this survival mode for a very long time too, even when I could have settled problems that seemed like do or die at the time, and moved on. I guess I have to ask myself about secondary gains, but I just wanted to chime in because you repeated almost exactly what I'm going through.

 

[mamachick]

Wow, I am really wondering about the correlation between emotional trauma and autoimmune disease. My cortisol was low so I was sent to endocrinologist who did more tests and cortisol was normal. One sister has Scleraderma, another Addisons Disease, and the other has Rheumotoid Arthritis-all auto immune diseases. I have had 2 rotator cuff surgeries in the past year and they have not helped. Better at first, but then pain is back and keeps me awake. Living alone, or most of the time anyway, I have to do for myself and not getting proper recovery. The first surgery was a picnic, the second much worse. Recently my dr thinks I have Sjrodgrens Syndrome. Also auto immune disease. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia years ago and CFIDS, and myofacial pain syndrome. My joints are much worse, some days I cant do steps at all. The big symptom that my dr noticed was that my mouth was too dry to speak and I had to pull water out of my purse just to speak. Also, my eyes feel like there is sand in them all the times. Sometimes so bad things are blurring. Constant stinging. I saw an eye dr who did many tests and confirmed extreme dryness. He wants me to see Rheumotologist for this, but I have to go back to primary to get referral. He also found 2 cysts on lacrimal gland which I had seen because I kept looking for something in my eyes causing this. I just started Restasis eye drops-$300 a month.

The past year -in addition to the surgeries, I had to have endoscopy due to stomach problems and weight loss. Im 5'6" and went from 128 to 112 and am nauseated all the time. For years I would avoid prescription pain meds, I took some, but anit inflamatories (NSAIDS) helped along with vicodin. I got to the point I could take no NSAIDS and now on 4 vicodin per day with little help. Endoscopy discovered GERD, hiatal hernia, and esophagitis. I already knew I have diverticulosis. Two cervical herniated discs with stenosis and spurs. IBS too. Also a deviated septum that causes great trouble. I had a traumatic brain injury that left me with post concussion sequalea and a sleep disorder-cant wake up without meds.

My life is focused around health problems. Several morning pills, afternoon pills, everning, and bedtime pills. Nasal spray, salene rinses, saline gel for moisture both twice a day. Now eye drops twice a day (prescription) in addition to over the counter drops 2-4 times as needed, and a swishing mouth gel to attempt to prevent dry mouth. To tell the truth, none of the treatments are helping much. Estogen cream twice weekly. With the brain injury, I just cant keep up with what I am suppose to do.

I throw legal suit against someone, tax problems that need amended, house problems like plumbing and heat, renewing my license which requires getting CEU's, and financial struggles, and it is just overwhelming. Anxiety, depression and ptsd.....erggggg Today is tough for me.

I apologize for rambling on about all of my problems, but today is one of those days that I just feel like I cant survive any longer. Im exhausted. I forget appointments. Just struggling more these days. If someone gave me tickets for a free week in Bahamas or cruise, I could not get ready and go. My survival is slipping.

Today I just cannot find anything to look forward to. Hopefully tommorrow I will pick myself up and be a survivor again.

 

[new gamma rays]

No, its alright to ramble, sometimes you need to do that just so you can see all the things weighing on your mind and body. I'm sorry you're going through so much. I"ll have to to read over this to see if I have any health advice or can relate to any of it.