Therapist Scolded Me

[katiekat]

I have been seeing this therapist for three months, for PTSD and career issues. I was telling her about my recent work review (it was not good) and that I met with a recruiter. I was talking about my fears and concerns about finding a new job and she interrupted me and (in my opinion) scolded me. She said, "If no one else is going to say this, I guess I have to because I cannot stand the way you are talking so negatively about yourself. You are being so cruel and you need to stop it right now. I can just see your younger self cowering in a corner. I don't want to hear you say "...but I..." statements anymore. Would you allow anyone to talk to your child that way?"

I sat there stunned and felt the urge to defend myself but because the only things I felt compelled to say in my defense started with "but I" I sat there angry and frozen because I was afraid of being scolded again. I was really frustrated that I wasn't able to talk because I don't feel like she even gave me a chance to explain how I felt. She proceeded to to tell me that she feels I am a "sensitive" (I have shared some semi-paranormal experiences with her) and that I pick up on energy from other people and negative entities and that I need to get myself out of my toxic work environment. She also said I was not born with the notion that the world is unsafe and that I am not good enough, that as a small child or infant I experienced something that caused that belief, and that it is going to take YEARS of hard work to reverse the way I speak to myself.

What bothers me is layered. For one, if I am not allowed to talk freely about my fears, what else is there to talk about? Second, she knows that I don't take confrontation well and tend to shut down if confronted, (I was physically abused) so why would she speak to me that way? Third, because I speak negatively to myself, I now have yet another voice inside my head saying that I am a cruel person. Forth, my concerns about my career are worth looking at because I have been fired from every job I've had. And lastly, if it's going to take years for me to stop talking to myself negatively, was scolding me and telling me to stop right now helpful in any way?

I cried when i got home and was able to process what happened. Not only did I feel horrible and depressed about how she talked to me and how she said I am cruel, I began toying with the idea that I might need to find a new therapist (this is #2 in 2 years)-which brings up feelings of helplessness because I worry I'll never find a therapist who can REALLY help me and ill be stuck forever.

I am sure this sounds a bit dramatic but I could really use some feedback or personal experiences from you guys because I have no idea what to think. Thanks.

 

[Tanishq]

Katiekat, not good move from your therapist. This doesn't good to me. You suffer from confrontation and negative thinking. What she says pained you and made you feel both. You are not feeling supported, so I think your therapist needs to find other positive ways to help you overcome your fears.

That semi paranormal subject, it sounds she took it far away and it was not needed.

Sorry you are hurting, hope you feel well soon.

 

[theotherside]

It might take a while to find the right match for you. I would interview some new ones. It's not your fault. Hopefully you find someone more compassionate. It's hard to find good help, but it's worth it. Hang in there.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

On the one hand, if you read what she has said, there may be some truth in her *words* if you truly are being harsh on yourself. (Of course, you are the only one who knows the exact tone.) On the other hand, it seems like she could have been a little bit more....gentle....in her delivery. I understand that she may get frustrated with you for being so hard on yourself, but it really isn't a matter of one day waking up and saying "oh, today is the day I start thinking fabulous thoughts about myself!" Nope, it doesn't work that way, and as such, I think she could have indeed approached this issue in a kinder way.

I can see why you feel like she scolded you, and why that probably wasn't the best approach to take. I think that perhaps a better approach would have been to ask you if you could see how harsh you were on yourself, and then ask you if you could have compassion for yourself.

Maybe its not so much about not talking about your fears, rather talking about them too much? (I'm guessing here, so if I'm wrong, you can stop me and disregard this!) I know that if I focus on the negative stuff in my head (even if its just venting) then that negative stuff tends to amplify. But, I can tackle the negative stuff and work through it and those negative thoughts tend to calm down. Maybe she sees the focusing on the fears as being a negative thing for you?

I really think you should tell all of this to your therapist. Let her know how you feel and the thoughts you have regarding what happened. Maybe you can work through this with her. Or, maybe this therapist isn't right for you and it is time to move on. But, definitely talk to her before moving on.

I do want to add that moving on to a new therapist is not necessarily a negative thing. I am a FIRM believer in that we can heal the most by seeing different therapists over time. Most therapists have a specific skills set, and they can only teach us so much. I saw quite a few trauma therapists over the years, and while not all of them were the most helpful, I did learn something from all of them. The more helpful ones I stayed with longer, and the less helpful ones I moved on from quicker. I think that maybe it would help you to think of things in terms of finding someone who is best suited to helping you *right now* as opposed to finding someone who can help you heal the whole way. Your needs may be completely different in another year, and you may need to move on to a different type of therapy in order to continue with your healing. There is nothing wrong with that, and I actually think that could be even healthier than staying with the same therapist the whole time.

 

[katiekat]

Her tone of voice was harsh and I could sense that she was getting angry. I have a hard time trusting people and have a tendency to question if a therapist is trying to trick me or do reverse psychology and I have contemplated that maybe she did this for a reason unknown to me, but was unsuccessful in the delivery and that her trick backfired. But then I hear my previous therapist's voice say, "You give me far too much credit. I am not that good to be so many steps ahead of you and trick you."

 

[Tanishq]

@katiekat I understand one thing you believe in good people and also believe good people don't need to use trick tactics to help others.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think words can be misinterpreted, but also words & tone can be interpreted correctly too. I find things can bother me that relate more to emotional flashbacks or wounds of my own. That being said, if you trust the person enough then it's more likely it's possible to try to fight through discriminating what is the ptsd & what is justifiably indicative of a bad fit.

I still think it's good to be able to recognize what bothers you, find words for it, & even grieve it. Even to feel wronged in a sense shows you feel entitled to rights & worth (which you do).

 

[katiekat]

On one hand I understand the message she was trying to get across. But she gave me no tools to move forward other than telling me to stop. If this negative talk is stemming from early childhood, I can't imagine it's much different than trying to kick a drug habit. I've never had rehab so I'm just guessing here, but I'm pretty sure there is much more to it than saying "stop doing drugs."

 

[shimmerz]

Here's what I see in this.

I sat there stunned and felt the urge to defend myself but because the only things I felt compelled to say in my defense started with "but I" I sat there angry and frozen because I was afraid of being scolded again.

Whatever she said and however she said it 'took your words away'. This seems to me to be counter productive to proper therapy.

recognize what bothers you, find words for it,

I agree with this. Nobody should be eliciting a 'can't speak, am frozen' response.

Perhaps the proper words are, 'As a therapist, I expect you to lead by example. If you scold me then how is that helping me to re-pattern my negative self talk?' She should be leading you down the path of learning how to speak gently, not re-enforcing the exact thing that she is attempting to correct.

She proceeded to to tell me

I feel like she hit you with too much. She should have given you a chance to recover and noticed you were frozen instead of giving you more. It is like being force fed.

 

[Fadeaway]

I get what she was trying to do. her intentions were good, she just went about it poorly. I would focus more on the message she was trying to get across, which is that you don't deserve for anyone to talk about you that way, even yourself, instead of the the message that came across.

 

[Friday]

1) Is there any way she could have said what she did that you wouldn't be upset & defensive over?

2) Was she right?

Sometimes the truth is a stone bitch to hear, and there is no way to hear it that doesn't hurt.... And sometimes there is. Which is why I ask.

I had a friend who started out about 90% of her statements when I first met her with "Look, I know I'm just a fat ugly bitch but..." Or "I know I'm not that smart, but..."

3 big problems there. First, was that her assholes of a father and husband really had ingrained in her mind that she was fat, ugly, stupid, and that women are bitches... Second, fat/ugly/female were all pretty much the stupidest, most repugnant, valueless things on the planet and she had won the booby prize with all of the above... Third that any of those 3 things robbed her of the right to whatever she was about to say. Brave chick. She said them anyway. Even if they were in a whiny, please don't kick me, show you my belly & Pete on the floor, beaten puppy kind of way.

She was also a United States Goddamn Marine... And our drill instructors took her seriously in hand. Not gently. Although the "This Recruit" stuff helped (you're not allowed to refer to yourself in the first person for 3 months, and you're not allowed to make excuses), because she couldn't put her standard "I know I don't have a right to say anything, and even though I am, which means anything I have to say has no value and no worth, so please feel okay if you want to ignore me" clause in front of anything she had to say during daylight hours. At Liberty she still could (which is when she drove us all insane, and how the DIs found out about this particular habit of hers), and that's when we all were put to the task of correcting it (ordered to tell her to stop & try again. If she refused, or ran away, she was pitted. When she quit talking for longer than a day she had to go squad bay by squad bay and ask for stuff). She was not happy about any of it. Not in the beginning. Took probably 2 months of day and night whacks in the nose before she started to catch a little pride, and actually start valuing herself. She seriously kicked over her "right" to be abusive to & think badly of herself, and how mean it was to be made to stop. Similar reasons your giving. By the end of boot camp (3 months, and she almost had to repeat the whole thing at a crisis point, over this very issue) she was a different person. And by the end of combat training, she was divorced.

If it's not clear from the above, I the love the snot outta this woman. She was brave to begin with, just not strong. Once she found her strength? <grin> She was a helluva fire team leader. And a good friend.

Now... I'm pretty much the queen of self deprecating humor (lotta material there ;) ) and that's a kissing cousin to the kind of negative self talk my friend used to do. The difference is, I know it's bullshit. So I can poke fun at it. I can also drop it. I don't have to cut my balls off before I'm allowed to speak. It's only a little bit of distance, but it's distance. Even so, I've had people tell me to 'put the bat down, you're hurting a friend of mine' when I'm in the dark, and believe it more than not. It's hard. "Simply" changing speech habits can be one of the hardest things out there. Right now I'm working with my son on a bad habit he's picked up (But I just wanted... Versus... I would like to. The first statement is submissive and minimizes anything he says after, the second is a statement of fact and while still respectful, isn't helpless).

It's worth a go, though. Changing speech habits.

Can be mind blowing if you've never done it before.

 

[shimmerz]

Changing speech habits.

Life changing.