Why Are Some Sayings Hurtful?

[Fadeaway]

For me it is multiple fold. One is guilt. Not only do the words imply that the speaker thinks you should feel guilty because you have it so much better, then there is self imposed guilt.

"If They have it so much worse than I do, what is wrong with me that I am struggling so much?" Are more thoughts those statements trigger.

Then there is the fact that they are basically saying, "We don't thing you issues are very serious, and we can't begin to understand what you are going through and we don't want to try to understand how you feel."

 

[shimmerz]

For myself, it would be because it comes across as dismissive.

 

[Anarchy]

denial and minimization can be a way for others to defend themselves - they may not be able to handle understanding what happened to you, especially if they could have helped prevent it and failled to

Trauma is entirely subjective, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks was enough or not enough, there is no absolute measuring stick. The only thing that matters is how much our own affected us individually.

I spent several years not accepting that I had PTSD symptoms even when I was isolating to the point of joking about getting some business cards printed with "Hermit" on them. I didn't accept that I had any trauma big enough to cause PTSD. I do - I have a whole shit load of them, a lot of them were very early in my life. If I had difficulty accepting that they were enough to account for my symptoms, I do not expect others to understand either.

From the way you write I'm guessing you are in your late teens or early 20s? It can be very difficult when we are dependant on people who don't understand.
Self care and getting ourselves a support system of safe people is really important - even if the only safe people we find are on the other side of the world!

 

[Ronin]

I've been through many things people commonly consider 'the worse things'... they didn't traumatize me the same way as some things that seem 'not bad enough'. Plain because it was X different things (expectable for the situation, not personal against me but different goals, accidental and/or unintended, something I've faced before and just knew will pass if I do this and don't do that and wait long enough). Other things? Badly in my face and there was nothing I could do about it to change it in a way I see as a satisfying option. Stuff is what is, things effect us differently. It's not like you're choosing how it effects you.

 

[Beachlife09]

@Fadeaway I could not have said it better myself! It seems that by saying those things, they're trying to get me to "snap out of it" so to speak. If it was that easy I would've done it long ago.

denial and minimization can be a way for others to defend themselves - they may not be able to handle understanding what happened to you, especially if they could have helped prevent it and failled to

Oh yes, they still blame themselves big time... even though I've repeatedly told them I don't blame them at all. (It truly wasn't their fault)

@Anarchy Yes, I'm 19 (20 in May). I could move out, but I have always been extremely close to my family and I would miss them too much to leave right now.

 

[Ronin]

@Beachlife09 , would it be possible for you and/or in your interest to move out for a certain time, say live elsewhere for the week, come home for the weekend, kind of a thing? I don't know your living options and financial situation, just thinking it isn't a all or nothing situation, maybe separation without the final cut offs could be something to be looking into.

 

[Beachlife09]

@Kaia That's an interesting idea.... but just because my family says a few hurtful things doesn't quite give me enough reason to move away. I love them very much regardless of their denial to what happened. I missed them dearly when I was away on my "vacation from hell" so it gives me peace of mind to simply be around them.

I was just wondering: Is there anything I can say to them to help them realize that their belittling is hurting me?

 

[Ronin]

Could it be the situation? Some situations they'd be more listening and able to hear you out? It may not be the way you communicate or even what, but settings in which they're not comfortable communicating or able to tune in emotionally.

 

[Beachlife09]

@Kaia No, I don't think that's it.... For my brother at least, it's more like he thinks that saying that there's worse that it'll be encouraging or comforting. I tried to explain that it's not but rather it hurts me, but he just said that the truth hurts sometimes.

 

[holdenmonty]

A phrase that I use to use a lot is when somebody was being overly silly or to the point of being annoying I would tell them to stop being "crazy" or saying somebody looks crazy when I have learned that the word crazy isn't really that nice because I noticed a few times before I opened up to my wife about my ptsd and I would be acting unusual she would ask me why I'm being so crazy so I then thought that I must be "crazy" Also somebody has never directly said it to me but I have heard about people saying, "it's all in your head." and if somebody said to me that it's all in my head I would have to restrain myself from punching them in the face and saying yeah and the pain you are feeling is all in your head.

 

[Beachlife09]

I have heard about people saying, "it's all in your head." and if somebody said to me that it's all in my head I would have to restrain myself from punching them in the face and saying yeah and the pain you are feeling is all in your head.

Hahahaha :hilarious:
And yeah I've heard that one several times before too... hurts when it's from your own father.

 

[Over the rainbow]

My mother actually laughed when I told her about it.
It cut through me like a knife, how dare this woman who (even though I wasn't adopted by her until 10 years old) is supposed to have the most empathy toward me is insulting me.
It felt like I was being bullied, like she thought so little of me that what I was going through was just a silly overreaction, perhaps I was just crazy in her eyes, perhaps the horrible thing I endured, had it happened to her- she could have just swept it under the rug after a week or two and "poof!" Life goes on!
How dare this woman who had once been a Lutenant nurse in the Air Force, not know the full magnitude of this horrible thing that is proven by science and medicine, that I'm experiencing!?
Her attitude made me feel alone, and judged, and that just hurts. Like I would choose this?
I understand your hurt. I'm sorry that they don't understand, just pray that they never really do, because I wouldn't wish this on anyone, and they can only truely understand if they were feeling it too.