Kick Abusers Out Of Your Life... ...unless They Are...

[Kintsugi]

I think an important distinction to make is whether we are speaking about institutions with potential abusers or institutions where abuse is systemic to the institution. All religious institutions, for example, have abusers somewhere within them. Certain religious institutions could be considered to have systemic abuse, such as fringe religious movements that condone family violence or those that effectively deprive members of basic rights (like religious movements that prohibit children from using their imaginations/playing with toys).

Prisons, for instance, are most certainly institutions where abuse is systemic. Very very few facilities can boast that they have no systemic cruelty within the US.

 

[shandemonium]

what a great thread!
I was just joking with a friend of mine the other day about how the US government is like Ike Turner and we are all Tina's.

I mean, when we see a woman in an abusive relationship we say "GET OUT! LEAVE HIM!" but when it's the government, we make excuses like we're all delusional battered wives or something.

"but they're only doing what's best for us" "Why would they lie to us?"
It's not like the US government has any track record of lying or abusing human rights (HA!)

PS
I love the initial thread by @Solara and couldn't agree more. I cut my mom out years ago but still feel guilty from the "honor thy mother" program in my head.

I think it's important to forgive our abusers, but that doesn't mean interacting with them. Forgiveness is about our freedom from pain. Keeping them out of the picture is just self-care and smart!

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

In reaction to what I grew up in, I have become a chronic whistle blower.

My man is EXACTLY the same way! And I cheer him on in his efforts, as I do you! He is highly vigilant when it comes to "injustices" .. and he's suffered harassment by authorities for similar reasons. But I completely agree with your therapist .. that people around you are SAFER because of your vigilance and courage!

~S2B

I think an important distinction to make is whether we are speaking about institutions with potential abusers or institutions where abuse is systemic to the institution.

Absolutely critical and HELPFUL distinction, @Simply Simon! .. This makes it much easier to discern what KIND of action is appropriate in any given situation ....

~S2B

 

[illusionist]

Monetary abuse is often disguised by institutions and acceptable by a lot of society.

 

[illusionist]

Military abuse.

 

[shimmerz]

but when it's the government, we make excuses like we're all delusional battered wives or something.

These words are so true. Hardly anyone sees it though.

 

[scout86]

So, it seems like there are several possibilities. Maybe this stuff happens because "most people" are cowards, risk averse, and go along to get along. I've seen lots of situations where it seems that the biggest thing preventing change is a belief that it's not possible. (And, of course, if you don't think it's possible, you tend not to try, and then nothing changes.)

Sometimes I wonder, if there isn't a tendency on the part of "authorities" to try to encourage all those helpless feelings. I mean we COULD value whistle blowers and give them the recognition they deserve. We COULD encourage people to question and stand up. But that's not what happens. I can remember learning, in school, about the psychology that allowed the Nazis to come to power. Experiments to see how often and how much a subject would be willing to inflict pain at the request of a researcher, that kind of stuff. The point was always that people have a tendency to do as they're told, without question. Since we KNOW that, and we KNOW how badly it can turn out, what prevents the opposite from being taught in every school in the world? I can't help but wonder if that might have to do with it being in the best interest of "authority" to have people around who don't think to challenge authority.

 

[jaccat]

Expanding on the sports coach one: dance is another one where it is easy to slip into abuse. The relationship between the teacher and pupil is much more personal that in some sports: it's all about the body and absolute trust. Once that is established...

 

[scout86]

I really can't see it as "slipping" into anything. You are either a coach or a predator. There isn't really a gray area. It's either about teaching or it's about sex and exploitation. It could be seen as "slipping" into something from the stand point of the victim, I guess, but if the perpetrator finds the relationship confusing, they have a problem. Now, I realize that perpetrators tend to make excuses that make it SOUND like they just slithered across a vague line of some kind. That, I think, is a symptom of THEIR pathology.

 

[jaccat]

True. I didn't precisely mean it like that:oops:. I wasn't even thinking of sexual exploitation. But then I guess I'm unsure about whether what I witnessed was abuse. It was more a regular belittling of pupils, but I witnessed the effect it had on them.
(It was tried on with me, but didn't get very far:mad:).

 

[Queen Boudica]

I was sexually molested by my male teacher when I was in year 5. Many years later I got in contact with my year 3 teacher there. She actually wrote that they should have outed him. They all knew he was touching up the girls - it was blatant.

 

[ms spock]

Nuns at my Catholic school, they took me back to convent, I ran away.

Catholic priests.

Catholic lay teachers both male and female.