Where's The Line?

[Upside Down Eagle]

I think I am making improvements (I hope so). Contrary to the last winter I had, which was horrendous, this past winter I haven't demolished any furniture or other physical things, I have only been suicidal like two days, and I have kept the screaming tantrums at bay. Quite good progress, as last year I wasn't even sure I would ever recover.

But I still "let it slip" now and then. Most times it occurs when I haven't slept or eaten enough. Tonight I only managed to sleep three hours before I got up, and like a whip I respond by being jumpy and prone to the Anxiety & Rage combi. When I feel like this I can't control my reactions very well.

So now and then I let out a scream like I'm being tortured. I live in a house with 18 (yes, 18) other people. They are little studios in one big house, and I bet a quarter of those can hear me scream. I tend to scream with intervals, like a couple of screams in the evening, and sometimes I go weeks, even months without screaming.

Now I really, really don't want to talk to my housemates about this. I am terrified of it. I have only told the dude who is living above me about the PTSD, because I threw a major tantrum once and alarmed him. I am just wondering what is crossing the line. I don't want to bother them, but sometimes I can't help it.

Welcoming any advice.

 

[Julesnaz]

Could you try screaming into a pillow to muffle the sound?

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

That's a good suggestion, but not really, because it's a fraction-of-a-second reaction.

Those are the ones that I can't control. With a little more control I could grab a pillow and scream in it, but the moment the trigger reaches my brain, I scream. It's an instinctive, built in reaction, like jumping when someone touches you.

 

[shimmerz]

I do weird stuff so ignore if this doesn't make sense. I do replacement things. I train myself to replace one behaviour with another. For instance, I would scream 'on purpose' but prior to that I would say a word or phrase loudly, lets say 'STOP IT' or whatever. I noticed as I did this my body replaced the scream, for instance, with the phrase. Then I would say 'STOP IT' more quietly.

Rinse and repeat.

 

[Nam]

@shimmerz has a good idea. The brain takes time for another habit to form enough myelination for that pathway to be the preferred pathway than the one you are doing reflexively. Scientifically, it takes 3 weeks of conscious effort before you can simply forego the cognitive aspect and go straight to procedural memory. It's a good thing to practice.

What I think you should do is prevent escalating to that level. There has to be a place where you can chose to go a different direction. It might take several tries to figure out what fork and what direction you should go.

The last option is to talk with your friends. Everyone has quirks. Being the person I am, I tend to bring those up when I'm talking about my own so it seemingly puts things on a level playing field (even if it's not). It might not be the wisest thing to do if you are not close enough to your mates that they will "forgive" you for bringing those to light.....

Now, if you were my mate...I would need to know. Screams scare the shit out of me. So, yes, before I fly into flight mode, it'd be nice to know why.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

What I think you should do is prevent escalating to that level. There has to be a place where you can chose to go a different direction. It might take several tries to figure out what fork and what direction you should go.

I know, I try this all the time. I do yoga and tea's and all the stuff. But sometimes it just can't be avoided and in that case I would really like to know what is "acceptable" from me and what isn't. Like is it acceptable if I scream three times in a day? I used to scream all day long (and that was when I got kicked out of the house). So this seems pretty fair to me. Would really like someone's opinion on that.

Now, if you were my mate...I would need to know. Screams scare the shit out of me.

Yeah but you are on the forum for a reason (I think). There isn't that much people with PTSD around and as far as I have noticed all my housemates have a regular mental health. You do make a point though.

 

[shimmerz]

Contrary to the last winter I had, which was horrendous, this past winter I haven't demolished any furniture or other physical things, I have only been suicidal like two days, and I have kept the screaming tantrums at bay. Quite good progress, as last year I wasn't even sure I would ever recover.

You, my friend, are doing an excellent job with this. If your question is 'what is normal', well.....no screaming. If we are looking at what is right for you....as much as you need to scream, then scream. The question is, is this reaction causing stress in your 'adult' and non regressive life? If not, then I would expect you will make more gains this year! :hug::hug::hug:

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Thank you @shimmerz , you just lit up my face :happy:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I used to listen to heavy metal music which expressed my rage and anger for me in a way I could feel and I did this for so many years until my life became a healing journey and now I listen to all kinds of music and listen to more mellow music these days.

I went for a hike with a friend in the mountains and we were sitting by a creek and I just had to scream so I did.

I think that you are normal for what you have been through and will eventually grow out of the need to scream so much without control. It is a incredible release of feelings and I think you have a need to do this now.

If I was you I would tell your housemates do not mind me, I scream when I am feeling like it. It is not about any of you. I wish you the best.

But please do follow your heart and do what your gut instincts tell you to do.

To the mods, I do not know why this is printing in all italics. I am very sorry.
<mod edit to add: fixed that for you>

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

If I was you I would tell your housemates do not mind me, I scream when I am feeling like it. It is not about any of you. I wish you the best.

I am scared of telling all eighteen of them :P But maybe I will just tell the ones who live on my floor. There's three. I have been thinking about that but I am hesitant. I'd rather they not know anything about me. Feels safer. Thx :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I totally understand about not wanting to be overexposed. I really understand and fly under the radar with people as often as I can. I wish you the best solution for you that will make you feel safe and private.