If Sex Comes Up, Can I Just Not Tell Him?

[Frogs88]

So, I like this guy but we've only just started going out. I'm not sure if I want this to be a serious relationship but the one thing that keeps playing on my mind is how much I want to reclaim my sex life. I've had enough of this being a big thing and yes I will keep my boundaries and keep things at my speed (if this goes in that direction) but I feel like I don't want this to be a big thing anymore. I feel like I'm ready for it not to be a big thing anymore. So I'm thinking that if this comes up I may not tell the guy until after the fact. It's still early days but I could really use some real life examples, I know people have told me 'oh my husband was fantastic' but to be fair, I'm not seeing this as more than a FWB relationship which I think is better for me at this minute in time.

 

[Justmehere]

It's unclear as to what you are thinking of not telling him until after you have sex, but whatever the topic, you always get to choose what you tell your partner.

 

[mephoto]

Hello @Frogs88, I am new to the site, and I might be able to help, but what is it you are thinking about telling or not telling him?

 

[Frogs88]

Oh, really sorry guys. That was unclear. I was raped. That's what I don't want to tell him.

 

[mephoto]

I don't think it is something you need to tell him, but if you want some honest advise I do not reccomend FWB either. I don't know your personal story, I just posted mine today if you want to read it! I just think as rape victims we already feel such a disconnect to the intimacy of sex. After my rape I started sleeping around and hooking up because sex had lost all meaning. Like I said I do not know your story or how you feel, but I actually find myself being drawn towards relationships with an end. I think I do it because I don't know how to give up sex but I don't need a relationship, and I tell myself it is okay, but ever FWB relationship I have ever had just does more harm than good so with you more than likely already having mixed feelings about sex, I would not reccomend it.

 

[Friday]

I'm trying to think if I've ever told any of my partners I was raped before sleeping with them... And I'm not entirely sure, but nothing stands out. Some may have known by virtue of being friends before we hooked up (never really been shy about talking about it, my shame lives elsewhere), or a few may have known from being around at the time some of them occurred... I think. I really can't be too sure of anyone ever knew. Or didn't know. Before or after sleeping with them.

I didn't even tell my boyfriend at the time, and he had some right to that information (except I broke up with him immediately after). I don't think, until this moment, it's ever occurred to me to add it to standard disclosures (relationship status, STDstatus, yes I'm on birth control no a condom isn't optional, & consent). That's my short list of must talk abouts.

Now you've got me thinking (danger, will Robinson)

Is anything else required by prudence or good manners? I don't think so. Could be wrong. Have been, before. But I've never considered anything else to be anyone else's business.

 

[rightkindofme]

I've had lots of FWB and I'm still friends with most of them. It can go well or not depending on the people involved. In my opinion being raped is not something that makes sex automatically more intimate. It can mean you have more unconscious triggers and dealing with them is sometimes too hard for casual partners... but there are people who are cool with you being where you are.

I don't tell one night hook ups about my past. They don't need to know. They don't care any more than I want to hear about every detail of their lives. It isn't my business. If you want an ongoing *friendship* I think that someone needs to know what they are opting-in-to before it gets going.

Brief hook ups that don't last forever are ok if you have other support in place. Just make sure you are taking care of yourself. Tell if you want to, don't tell if you think it is none of their business.

Good luck.

 

[shrinkingviolet]

I think it's your call based on your comfort. I know after I was raped, it was very difficult for me to let my guard down and enjoy intimacy, even though I craved it. To say I have trust issues is a huge understatement and letting go of control is extremely difficult for me. I am still working on this with my husband and it's one of the biggest challenges in our marriage.

I can understand you wanting to keep things casual but it may be very difficul. Trust has to be earned and you need to feel safe. Bottom line, do what is best for you, at your pace and comfort level. You deserve the best.

 

[mephoto]

I like what @rightkindofme had to say. Do what feels right. I personally have never told someone before having sex with them, and while trying to start a relationship with a great guy a couple years ago I triggered during sex and that led to the end because I did not know how to explain it to him. Him and I did stay friends and I recently told him my story, which he really appreciated, but at the time we were together I did not tell him.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You're sort of leaving the guts out of your story so you're not going to get a whole lot of responses that are detailed to your situation.

Do you have flashbacks during sex?

If so, YES, you should say something because guys don't really know what to do when you act abnormally IN the moment. They don't know if you want to be held, they don't know if you want to be left alone. They simply do not know.

Are there any other things that could affect you during sex? This is a huge consideration.

Otherwise, if its FWB and you have no lingering affects during sex, no reason to tell him until you are ready.

 

[joeylittle]

I don't want this to be a big thing anymore. I feel like I'm ready for it not to be a big thing anymore. So I'm thinking that if this comes up I may not tell the guy until after the fact.

Honestly, I don't think you tell him at all - not until the relationship is real enough to be at a place where you share things like that. I speak from my own experience. When I started dating again, and having sex again, after my long term relationship fell apart*, I just didn't want to apologize for any of it anymore, or feel like they "needed" to know. It wasn't until a good few months into intimacy when one, very sweet lovely guy, asked me very kindly about some of my scars. And I still really didn't want to get into it. So I told him they were from a long time ago, I was hurt by someone, and I really didn't want to talk about the details. He was cool with that. Had he not been, that would have been the end of it (for me)

* One of the biggest reasons my partner/husband and I had to separate was because of how he could never handle knowing what happened to me.

 

[illusionist]

I've NEVER told anyone beforehand....didn't feel I needed to . If it didn't work out I just told them It wasn't meant to be.
My partner still doesn't know any details, just knows the outline and I will take it to my grave.....nobody needs to know in order to have a fulfilling, intimate sex life. He read my body language to know I wasn't comfortable, as with any normal couple.