Why Can't Some Of Us Talk On The Forum?

[shimmerz]

I think in the healing process there are those very vulnerable times where we are not yet at the point that we can 'fight' against criticism. I know I have those areas. My 'boys and grandchildren issue' takes me down into the deep dark recesses of helplessness. A place I am not proud of but I do know exists. I am aware that I am vulnerable these times because I feel 'different' when I post about these things.

When I first came to the site I felt like I was being attacked. It was a horrible feeling. I thought, 'How cruel'. I had a couple of users help me right off and say, 'hey, this is the real world...so keep trying'. I look back on that post now and think to myself that I had no business saying what I did (it was my misguided need to 'protect' others). I get that now. I am grateful (now, not then) for the lesson.

I attacked someone last week. I am certainly not proud of that. I was mean. I was triggered up like crazy and it took me a couple of days to realize that. I outed myself and apologized and so hope I didn't damage him.

Mistakes. We are going to make them here; others are going to make them here. When we start to integrate socially, we are going to have to have practiced growing a bit of a 'skin' in preparation for the real world. You see? But maybe take one step at a time. Post about something that is a success. Start there. Practice saying 'hey, I am a mess right now, so please be kind'.

@Solara, yes, you can be a bit challenging, but I want to say that from you I have learned a ton. I used to cringe at some of your postings (I don't mean that in a negative way). They seemed so..... harsh. You said things I could never, ever dream of saying, that I wished in my dreams that I could say. I have grown because of your responses. You made me realize that saying what I meant was a right and to be respected.

I also have grown seeing how others respond as I think to myself, 'hey, I never thought of it that way'. So really, it is a mean world out there. I personally find that the people here are helping me see beyond myself, to realize that everyone deserves to be listened to, and that being pissed off about what someone says (or vice versa) is no longer the end of my world. Thank freakin gawd. I have worked hard to get here!

Hope I haven't offended here. It wasn't my intention at all. ;)

 

[joeylittle]

Generalizations are kind of incendiary in this type of conversation.

This is a forum for support and guidance. We have enough judgment in our lives and come for solace and support.

Very respectfully (and I mean that), I get support from information, from knowing I'm not alone, and from having my negative thoughts challenged. I do not come here for solace, being here is a place where I do part of my therapeutic work. And I do not come here for encouragement. Now, I'm just me and you are just you, and probably a poll could tell us more about the spectrum of reasons people are here. No blanket statement will apply to everyone.

there is no point in opening your heart and being honest when you are going to have everyone run over you

I'm sorry you see it as everyone running over you - but I don't think that's the case for anyone here most of the time. I believe that if you turn it into "everyone" in your mind, or even generalize by accident, it ends up affecting how you feel, and from this post, it's contributing to you feeling badly.

Even though I post, I still feel on the outside a lot. I also seem to chronically always be in some stage of either inserting my foot into my mouth, or taking it out.

Just wanted to share I do too. But for my part, I know it's not anyone else forcing me to think I'm on the outside. It's my own self-judgement.

But we are all fighting this monster and I find no empathy or compassion sometimes. And also I feel rejection. Even posting this is scary. But here I go.

I also just wanted to say that it's truly excellent that you posted this, @Notsowild. You confronted a fear, and that's hard. So, seriously, good job.

 

[Notsowild]

I honestly feel the same way sometimes. And I can't have people correcting me or being mad at me... it really scares me (for trauma reasons).
I want to make everyone feel welcome and valued.

Thank you... Me too. I have enough people in the real world getting angry with me. And thanks for the hugs. I've been going through alot of stress and SI lately.

I posted it on group chat and it was pretty much completely ignored when I was really in distress about it. But 95% of the time I feel very supported on the forum.

That awful I would be panicked too. Why do you think you were ignored?
That's why I mentioned the special cliques on here. Some people get more attention. Oh oh there's that pity party again.

I personally have a hard time fitting in anywhere....not just on here. It's nothing to do with others....it's me who needs to sort out my feelings of being accepted. There are a lot of good folks on here...they all have their own way of dealing with things, and can only pass on what they personally know works for them. It is up to us to accept it or not. Hugs notsowild....

I totally agree. I don't fit in anywhere neither. Shouldn't we fit in with people with the same troubles as us though?
Thanks for the hugs btw. Much appreciated.

 

[illusionist]

The way I look at it Notsowild is......I'm the common denominator amongst all those folks......so it's got to be my way of thinking.....it's just got to be. I'm the one who has turned down invitations etc....so it's got to be me. They can't all be wrong.

 

[Notsowild]

All I can say is that I hope you will feel better now that you have shared this with others here. I pray you have a better time in the future here. Keep on keepin' on!

Thank you so much. It's nice to say how you feel but I'm pretty panicky over some posts. How do you feel about posting here?

I have found that before I post I try to identify what kind of support I want and ask for it. And it gets me better results.

Brilliant!!! I need to remember this.

The other thing I notice is that because we all have dealt with different traumas, we all respond differently. Some people do like to wallow in misery (I've done it) and some prefer to try to "tough it out" and when one gives advice to the other it doesn't always work out well. I usually like being told when I'm having a pity party because I feel my best chance for healing is to pull myself out of that and push through and sometimes I need someone to tell me to suck it up. And other times I need to tell me its okay.
.

I don't like to wallow in self pity but sometimes this disorder takes over my mind. "Toughing it out" is not always possible. But thank you very much for your advice.

 

[Cool Cat]

Why do you think you were ignored?

I've no idea. They wrote back for about two messages and then went back to their conversation, which was just chit chat.

 

[Friday]

I had a very lighthearted but serious response penned early in the thread, had to step away to attend to something, and I've deleted it upon catching up with everything written since.

You do realize you've just created a clique, right? The "us" group, and the "all you terrible people we won't mention by name, who suck, and who are doing everything wrong, and do nothing but hurt us and make us feel bad" group... That we're just going to keep talking badly about and leave vulnerable members to twist wondering if it's them being compared to rapists, and child abusers, and torturers oh-my. Who have ruined chat, and make posting in the forum unbearable, etc.

Now... I don't really care if people like me, so you hate me, that's fine. Not everyone is going to like me. I only hope that everyone else who automatically assumes that if they're clueless about what's being talked about (cliques? What cliques?), then people are probably talking about them ...care as little for people talking about how they can't stand to be here because of "unnamed people" / "those people" as I do.

These kinds of things are paranoia grenades lobbed into the crowd. Capitalizing on fear, and indiscriminate in who they mow down.

The problem with blaming everyone else for our own fears & issues... ? Not only takes away our power to overcome our fears, but a heckuva lot of people -especially here- will sadly accept that blame. See it as their fault. They won't join in talking about how awful it is... They believe they're the ones who are awful.

 

[Notsowild]

I've noticed it too and other things like conflicts and so on coupled with my own problems has meant I've needed to take a step back from here, or at least be very selective in what I read/reply to.

I always related so well to you. Similar childhood traumas and symptoms especially dissociation. I am always glad to read your posts.
I did step back for a few months, and very good idea about being selective to what I respond to. So keep posting. I'll always read yours.

 

[Cool Cat]

Yeah I agree with @FridayJones to some degree, it can be really destructive for a community if we start creating factions or b*tching about other people in the community.

Although I think a lot of this could be solved if everyone is mindful that it can take a lot of bravery to make a post here. Even if to another person it doesn't seem like much. So to be conscious just how we respond, what do you think? Kinda try give the response we would like to get.

Now I am posting this and I hardly ever comment on threads, I just read them because I find it hard to disclose.

 

[shimmerz]

"Toughing it out" is not always possible

It is also not always good for a sufferer, depending on the stage of healing one is at. It can feel soul crushing. That is unhealthy.

I feel that the phrase 'pity party' is derogatory and don't blame people for taking offense to it.

But, if we are speaking about feeling out of a comfort zone when posting, well, that perhaps should be challenged. I am a bit taken aback by the 'everyone' reference in this posting. I know I have posted back to each user and don't feel like it has been a mean spirited response. Start using the words everyone and everything and I think it is best to challenge the belief underneath.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@coolcat,

Chat is chat.....I can't tell you how many times I've seen people come in, post very little and then throw a fit because they are being ignored. Nobody is required to chat with you. Maybe that person wasn't in a good place to help you. There are certain people I flat out ignore because they either suck all the fun out of chat or post things which stress everyone out (ie I'm going to hurt myself!) Many of us chat because we need a distraction which is a VERY valid coping skill.

Keep coming to chat. Overall it's a good group.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

@Notsowild Have a song in my head reading these posts. Old song. Cat Stevens. "Oh baby it's a wild world, hard to get just upon a smile…"

I'm newish here. Spend some time rooting around, then maybe go away for a while to digest. Not ready to open up to anyone, knowing that I am vulnerable. Learning how to grow some thicker skin, and when to know nnnnaaaahhhhh, can't go there. Mostly helpful kind and compassionate, sharing of the tough path we all are walking. Balancing act more like, tightrope sometimes. Here I have found that I am not alone on that rocky road.