Relationship PTSD - The Impact On Relationships Continued

[Nicolette]

Over months I have seen Carers come and go with the main topic being their PTSD sufferer is shutting them out and/or not treating them very well. The same questions are asked and the same frustrations are vented. It seems that PTSD has a 'general' impact on relationships.

Then there comes 2 different aspects:

• A relationship which is long standing and the other person develops PTSD so the persons changes and the dynamics of the relationship change
• New relationships where a person has met someone who confesses to having PTSD, shows their good side and then 'changes'.

As I have never had PTSD I cannot speak for a Sufferer nor do I think they do not deserve to be loved and be in a relationship either however I feel the key aspect missing is the word 'healthy'. Some of the relationships which have been discussed here do not seem to be healthy. There is a Carer complaining about being shut out but committing 100% and then there is a sufferer who has disappeared off the face of the earth with no explanation. A little over dramatised but not far off what seems to be a common thread.

We all understand that there currently is no cure for PTSD however it can, over time, be managed and a Sufferer can work on themselves to improve their quality of life.

PTSD Sufferers here on the forum have commented that they know they are not managing their illness well at the moment and accordingly are not involving themselves in a relationship. Very responsible and smart if you ask me.

On the other hand, which I have experienced, you meet someone who has PTSD and you don't think much of the illness as the person you have met seems pretty much normal until the change which I can only put down to the stress for the sufferer increases (and I am talking good and bad stress).

While all this is understandable, the issue which eats at me is a Carer sitting there saying "l love him, I love her but they are not responding". Firstly, if you had done your research and read many of the posts here you would come to understand that it is somewhat part of the PTSD illness. Acceptable, well, that's a different question that only a Carer can answer.

What I would like to point out again is this....coming from a stance where I have been abused.... PTSD is not an excuse for abuse (and I am talking emotional as well as physical) however the illness does have rage as one of its symptoms.

It takes two people to have a relationship and both have a responsibility towards it. If someone has PTSD and is that ill that they can't maintain a relationship I think the onus is on them to be honest about that and not get involved in anything other than casual until they are better managed.

The Carer has a responsibility to themselves and the relationship not to enable bad behaviour and excuse abuse due to PTSD.

Once a relationship goes down a certain path and it is "allowed" and "accepted" by both parties it is hard to then direct the relationship down a differing path unless both are willing to do so.

I know someone who said they were in a relationship, was really sick with PTSD, and did abuse their partner (not intentionally but it did happen). The partner of the Sufferer said "get your act together or leave" so the Sufferer did. The problem then was that the relationship had previously been built on abuse and when one person changed and the other didn't (the Carer was used to the pattern of abuse and was abusive too) the relationship fell apart.

Look, I know we all want and need love but please don't sit there and waste your life complaining about something. If you can control it, change it; if you can't either accept it or don't; but please don't bang your head against a brick wall and call it love. If a Sufferer doesn't want to make the effort to have you in their life well that says something to me. Heartless as it may sound, you can't chase after someone if they don't want to be with you and the only person hurting is the chaser as the other person is doing what they want.

Before I unleash this can of worms onto the forum, I am by no means saying that all or even many PTSD sufferers are like this. What I am saying that is if a Sufferer wants to participate in a relationship and it is worth something to them they will at least try whereas that is not what I have been reading in the Carers section.

This is not a personal attack on PTSD sufferers as I first hand have a loving and rewarding relationship with a Sufferer and I get treated really well. Even when Anthony is sick he will give me the respect of telling me he needs time out and I then know what is going on. He does not disappear and ignore me which, while it may be a coping mechanism, is detrimental to a full time committed relationship.

 

[AuliiHoku]

Nicolette
Wow, I feel like this is directed right at me. I have been going back and forth with do I give up, or do I keep on trying because I have been shut out? It has been eating at me tremendously. I feel like you are saying to give up (because of my situation), but that is so hard. Have any other advice for me? Thanks!

 

[pandora]

It is so weird that I read this after posting a thread about relationships........you are a very wise woman!!!!!!!

 

[linasmom]

Hi!

I hope I can post here, as I'm a sufferer - I try not to post too much here because I think the carers need their own space away from sufferers, but I just could not turn away from responding to this post.

I have to admit, I read in here a lot, and there have been many times, especially lately, where I've literally felt the urge to reach into the computer and shake some people who have posted in here. I read over and over about "relationships" that don't sound like relationships at all, while a carer is holding on to some thin thread of hope that their "partner" or "casual dating buddy" or "new boy/girlfriend" who has shut them out for months, verbally abused them on almost a daily basis, will "come around sometime". You know, sometime may be NEVER. Because a common theme in just about all of those posts is a lack of communication that is essential to a healthy relationship and, more importantly, a commitment made by both parties.

I'm about to be very harsh and I will apologize in advance if I hurt anyone's feelings - but I think some carers need to get their shit together! Stop being co-dependent and start thinking about your own self preservation. Because if there is no commitment by both parties involved, then I say move on. In my own observation (albeit, possibly skewed) there are many carers posting who, in my humble opinion, have some issues themselves - most notably- low self esteem! Work on your issues and get out of these idle "relationships" that only make you feel worse about yourself, because that is unhealthy.

Remember, this is just my opinion based on the limited observation I have of these situations based on the posts.

Best,
Rachel

 

[Nicolette]

I have to admit, I read in here a lot, and there have been many times, especially lately, where I've literally felt the urge to reach into the computer and shake some people who have posted in here.

Stop being co-dependent and start thinking about your own self preservation. Because if there is no commitment by both parties involved, then I say move on. In my own observation (albeit, possibly skewed) there are many carers posting who, in my humble opinion, have some issues themselves - most notably- low self esteem! Work on your issues and get out of these idle "relationships" that only make you feel worse about yourself, because that is unhealthy.

Ahhh Rachel. You have summed up perfectly what I was trying to say even it was harsh :rolleyes:. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

Honestly though, some carers here really need to look at the definition of a relationship and then compare it to the illusion they have created for themselves. And I say this because I do care and don't want you wasting your life on something which is very short of what you deserve. Like Rachel said, invest your energies on your self esteem instead of a dead-end relationships.

 

[Nicolette]

Nicolette
Wow, I feel like this is directed right at me.

It's nothing personal AuliiHoku. Take from it what you want but I really wanted to point out some carers are in really unhealthy relationships and they are only hurting themselves. I say this as I do care about the wellbeing of all.

 

[becvan]

I have to say I whole-heartedly agree with both Nicolette and Rachel! I can't add anything to that!;)

bec

 

[neverforget]

Such a great post Nicolette!

I'd say it can take a bit of time for carers to fully realise what happens and admit that a relationship is not healthy, cause you always want to give all that you have and try all that's possible to improve things before giving up.

Right now, 3 months after I decided to break up, I'm happy I took this decision cause I have some hindsight.

Today it's really clear to me that my ex was alcoholic and I could never have been happy with him.
He has some issues and a difficult past, which is not his fault, but today he's fully responsible for the unhealthy way he's dealing with it.

All this love I had for him and this will to help and understand would never have been enough.

Moving on is the only way.

 

[Nicolette]

I'd say it can take a bit of time for carers to fully realise what happens and admit that a relationship is not healthy, cause you always want to give all that you have and try all that's possible to improve things before giving up.

What you say is true neverforget.

I am delighted to hear you are happy and that you have come to some profound realisations yourself. Well done and here's to a brighter future for you!

 

[Cowgirl]

I met my DH many years after he developed PTSD. He'd been through ... "treatment" of sorts. He'd been through some very dark times indeed, times when he shut out everyone who mattered in his life. He pretty much lost everything. But he learned from it all. He grew. He learned to adapt, somewhat, to his PTSD.

He's never shut me out. He's never acted like he didn't love me. He's never taken drugs or drank. Why would I marry him if he did any of those things? Why would I date him if he did those things? And he still doesn't do those things. We've had some difficult times since then, and he's had some relapses into nightmares and rages. But we are in a committed relationship, not the beginnings of a romance. He is as committed to me as I am to him. So we work through it. We've come out on the other side of a rough patch.

Last evening, he had a near-blow-up at the store when we were out shopping together. I reached out and touched him and softly said that it was OK, that the problem (I think the store was out of something he wanted) was not a crisis, and we could deal with it. He calmed down. Later, at home, he hugged me and said that I have learned how to handle him. But the truth is, we've both learned. I've learned more about PTSD, and he's learned to respect my lead when things are about to turn ugly.

I think that it would be impossible to be a carer, at least for me, if I was the only one who cared, the only one committed. How could a relationship like that work?

Cowgirl

 

[sisu]

I'd say it can take a bit of time for carers to fully realise what happens and admit that a relationship is not healthy, cause you always want to give all that you have and try all that's possible to improve things before giving up.

This is true for me. I have a tendancy to see the good in people and ignoring the bad. It both a blessing and a curse. I guess in my mind I have to leave no stone unturned. Especially when I know what kind of a person the ex-BF can be. And honestly, it doesn't consume my life like it may appear....I vent on here a lot while learning about this ptsd monster. I say things on here that I wouldn't say to anyone else because its anonymous.

I moved on a while ago with my life. I just always root for the underdog. I want him to want to get better. For himself, for his kids and maybe a bit for me. But I don't see that happening anytime soon since the VA seems to think lots of drugs and no therapy is the way to go.

Thanks,
Sisu

 

[linasmom]

I think that a lot of this conversation is not necessarily about what the sufferer is doing, but what the carer is not doing ie - setting boundaries!

To continually come to the forum and post about how "bad" things are without expressing how you, as a carer, have implemented any of the information you (anyone) have found on this forum can be frustrating for other members, mods, whomever. Remember, this forum is about helping people become healthy and about helping people have healthy relationships.

:wink: