Setting boundaries is something that is new to me, because in the past the boundaries with a non-PTSD sufferer were quite different. How do I tell someone with PTSD that they are not to do this or that, or I'm gone? I know, that's ambiguous, but that's the bottom line, right? I'm not dealing with someone who can control every single outburst with logic and reason, so I have to see what others think and take suggestions as they come. I do not have the time to read every post to see what someone else has done, so if a post is redundant, then people have to just deal with it. If it bothers anyone here then that's their problem, not mine. Every situation is unique in one way or another, and finding something that is identical to what happened to me is a crap shoot, at best.
As for implementing tools to set boundaries...sounds good, but that, too, is a crap shoot. For example: I told my girlfriend after the very first two-day shut out that I didn't like it and that I wanted her to include me so that I will know what's going on. She hasn't shut me out once since then, and we talk daily. That isn't going to work for many people, but it did for me. I wish every situation was that easy, but I cannot tell a woman who is stressing out that "it will be okay" when every fiber of her being tells her that it's all falling apart and that it's not okay. I have to find out what works for her. Someone said she held her hubby's hand and told him it wasn't a crisis and he calmed down. Will that work for everyone else? Probably not. I can hug my girlfriend when she's crying and stressing, yet someone else said they can't even get their partner to return a phone call or email for days. We are all different, carer & sufferer, and whatever I implement for my love isn't necessarily going to work for another. We are here to learn, but blasting us because you've read a similar scenario already is not how we learn to deal with it, it's how we learn to avoid.
As it was said once before, some of us do come here to vent, to release what has happened because we know that telling our SO how we feel isn't going to be taken lightly by them. With my girlfriend, she carries a lot of guilt, so telling her how she made me feel puts her on the defensive even more. I've learned that sometimes waiting until the next day, or until the crisis is over, that she is more accepting of what I tell her.
This IS the carer section, and if a sufferer comes here to read a post where I am venting, they have two options: They can get pissed off at me because they don't like the fact that I clearly don't understand PTSD as much as they do; or they can try to relate to what I posted and realize that I'm human, and it may help them to see what their carer, who is totally in love with a sufferer, is going through and they can try to understand how we feel during those times. We are all here to learn, no matter what our role is.
I do get upset, but I also do see the good in her, and I'm not only learning about PTSD, but also bipolar and about her in general. She is unique, she is more committed to our relationship than I could have imagined. She didn't know why I thought we were on the brink, because she see's this as her last relationship in life (meaing marriage and happily ever after). We're doing our best, and she's hurting inside because of what someone did to her. Call that an excuse if you must, but it doesn't mean I like it just because I am willing to work past it. I personally like to be optimistic about what's happening, and I would hate to give up on a beautiful person only to find out later that all she needed was time and someone to care and lover her unconditionally.
I have to work on some things myself, just because I'm labelled as a "carer" it doesn't mean that I have everything under control. It's a team effort and a two-way street. I'm learning, but this is all very new to me and I can't be expected to know what works for her just because it worked for someone else.
My girlfriend possess many qualities that I want in a relationship. PTSD is not taking away from who she is, it's just showing me who she isn't. She suffers from low self-esteem, guilt, and shame because of what someone did to her. She asks me why I love her with all her issues and I remind her that I've seen who she is on the inside and that's who I fell in love with. She wonders why so many bad things have happened to her, and feels like she did something to deserve them. With time maybe I can help her see that she really does deserve to be happy and content. And who knows...maybe when that happens she might think I'm not good enough for her! :smile:
