Relationship PTSD - The Impact On Relationships Continued

[lnicho7]

If a Sufferer doesn't want to make the effort to have you in their life well that says something to me. Heartless as it may sound, you can't chase after someone if they don't want to be with you and the only person hurting is the chaser as the other person is doing what they want..

I see some point to your argument but I have to admit that as a sufferer I found myself very angry at this above quote. I do not think you can stereotype all ptsd sufferers as the same.

I began a relationship at a point in my life where I had little to no nightmares, I was not abusing drugs and alcohol, I was working two jobs and putting myself through school-I was working my ass off and I was in therapy. I met my current boyfriend at a time where I was ready. I was so happy, he took me on nice dates and I began to open up to him but my god it can be hard. I was the first to tell him I love him, and there have been times when I thought "can I handle this?" Sometimes it gets so hard though to allow my boyfriend to know me, all of me. There are things in my past that I am ashamed of and my reaction is to get out before I get hurt but that doesn't mean that I don't love him. I pushed him away last week because I was scared of everything that comes with a relationship and I am getting help. It is not as if I go around with these whims. It is a mental state that is really painful. How would you feel if you knew you loved someone and they loved you but you just feel numb? Do you know how scary and frustrating it is to feel barely human? I could have pushed him away because I was so damn scared and i just felt not like myself. I was in pain, a lot of pain and I could barely shake it.

Some ptsd sufferers may use their symptoms as a reason for abuse which is just awful. I would never lay a hand on my boyfriend and while I know I hurt him mentally, it broke my heart once I was in a better place mentally. So please do not judge us all that have committment issues as having these lighthearted whims. They are painful and yes we would so much rather be loved and be able to love someone but damnit it is hard. I am a rape victim, twice a rape victim, and I grew up in a violent home. I had to learn to be strong and that others can hurt you in a moment and those that hurt you most are the ones that you are supposed to trust-a friend who rapes you, a father you watch strangle your mother. You have that in your head and then see how easy it is to trust. I have bad dreams about the look in my boyfriends eyes when he thought I was going to leave him-it breaks my heart I could be so cold. Many of us work every day to get healthy and to go to treatment but some days are bad days. I just want you to see there are gray areas and that the sufferer is suffering because of their behavior.

 

[Nicolette]

I see some point to your argument but I have to admit that as a sufferer I found myself very angry at this above quote. I do not think you can stereotype all ptsd sufferers as the same.

I am sorry you feel this way lnicho but I don't think I was stereotyping...I was discussing one particular issue and the impact that PTSD played in it.

I said:

I am by no means saying that all or even many PTSD sufferers are like this. What I am saying that is if a Sufferer wants to participate in a relationship and it is worth something to them they will at least try whereas that is not what I have been reading in the Carers section.

..........with the focus being on the Carer.

Some ptsd sufferers may use their symptoms as a reason for abuse which is just awful. I would never lay a hand on my boyfriend and while I know I hurt him mentally, it broke my heart once I was in a better place mentally. So please do not judge us all that have committment issues as having these lighthearted whims.

I am sorry if you feel judged lnicho but that was not the intention here. This discussion was about what a Carer allows on the other side of the relationship. What you are going through and your reactions may be perfectly valid, that is not for me to judge. But if you kept giving your boyfriend signal after signal that you were not interested him or kept hurting him mentally (intentional or not) what is he supposed to do??...continually banging your head a brick wall is not healthy for anyone no matter what the reasoning. You sound like you are aware of what is happening and you are seeking help which is good to read. I was however talking about Carers who had been here for months and months saying the same thing over and over....he won't return my calls or emails or he always abuses me.

IMHO, if a Sufferer has reasons or a history which causes him/her to abuse someone (intentionally or not) that still does not make it right! When this happens they are sometimes re-creating an abusive situation and hurting another like they themselves have been hurt......continuing the abuse cycle. I am really sorry for any abuse anyone has endured but in my world that does not provide an allowance in how they treat others nor makes abuse permissible. That's just my view. I have been raped twice, abused both as a child and as an adult and have been through some traumatic events including being strangled by a boyfriend and another incident where a boyfriend split my head open with a punch...thankfully I do not have PTSD... but none of this happening to me is an acceptable excuse for mistreating another person. Pulling away is different and I fully agree with that if you are not coping.

 

[mbaldwin]

"We are all trying to learn from another and support others.

I am so sorry that you think that some of us "carers" are such a nuisance. Remember we don't have ptsd....we have no idea what it really feels like. So get off your soap box."


Thank you!! was thinking the same thing myself. Tired of reading the posts that keep telling us we keep pissing and moaning, isn't this what this forum is for , for support.!!

I don't think you realize what you might say that, even though you feel that the truth for us hurts, your post do not help me at all. They make me not want to return to this Forum, so please let us carers, cry, piss, moan, and vent to each other. It helps us feel we are not the only one going through this, we are not alone

 

[Nicolette]

I am so sorry that you think that some of us "carers" are such a nuisance. Remember we don't have ptsd....we have no idea what it really feels like. So get off your soap box."

Who is this comment directed at please? I am not sure who you think is on their soap box.

Tired of reading the posts that keep telling us we keep pissing and moaning, isn't this what this forum is for , for support.!!

I am not sure who you are directing your posts at. Who is it that is writing 'those' posts?

I don't think you realize what you might say that, even though you feel that the truth for us hurts, your post do not help me at all. They make me not want to return to this Forum, so please let us carers, cry, piss, moan, and vent to each other. It helps us feel we are not the only one going through this, we are not alone

Once again I am not sure who you are directing your comments at. Not everyone's words will benefit everyone and it is up to you what you take from the forum and what you discard.

While crying, pissing, moaning and venting may offer some relief the forum is also for helping people....... sometimes people do not always want to hear the truth or hear things they are not yet ready to deal with. I think it is good to have a balance between venting and constructive discussions.

If your post is related to what sufferers have said - I think once again the problem may be that some sufferers don't see what they put us through and only know their own pain...... this then doesn't help as when a carer suffers it is still great for them coming from where they normally are. Sometimes I think carers and sufferers speak different languages due to sitting on opposite sides of the fence.:rolleyes:

It is very important for a carer to feel that they have support and they are not alone. I don't doubt that for one second.:Hug_emoticon:

 

[linasmom]

"We are all trying to learn from another and support others.

I am so sorry that you think that some of us "carers" are such a nuisance. Remember we don't have ptsd....we have no idea what it really feels like. So get off your soap box."


Thank you!! was thinking the same thing myself. Tired of reading the posts that keep telling us we keep pissing and moaning, isn't this what this forum is for , for support.!!

I don't think you realize what you might say that, even though you feel that the truth for us hurts, your post do not help me at all. They make me not want to return to this Forum, so please let us carers, cry, piss, moan, and vent to each other. It helps us feel we are not the only one going through this, we are not alone

Actually, that original post was directed towards me. And no, the forum is not for carers to "cry, piss, and moan" constantly. Have you actually read what was said here, or are you too busy taking certain things personally? It has been stated and restated what this thread is about. It is not a generalization - it is specific to specific instances. If you fall into that specific category, then you need to step back and take a hard look at your so-called relationship.

Best,
Rachel

 

[Browneyed_Dutchgirl]

I am still new on this forum. Sometimes I feel a little bit alone because as a Dutch girl with my Croatian boyfriend I feel like an outsider.

Well, earlier I told you that my Croat is a war veteran, a former special policeman, and former POW (Serb camp). We developed (after a lot of struggle) an intense and lovely relationship. When I look back then I can see how much progress we have made, although at difficult times its harder to see that. He has never been assaultive or cruwel to me, on the opposite, I have never met a man who is so full of love, tenderness andfeelings.

But I do know the periods of silence! Since we have been together for the first time (after 15 months) he has never shut me out again. He told me that I am his peace, the nail on his finger. We truly love each other. But I knew after our lovely time together that there would be a period of trouble. And every time I think that I will be well prepared and not feeling miserable and sad:crazy:.

The reason is that the weather in Croatia is extremely hot these weeks. I knew he can't stand hot weather (he is like a bear, I call him BEAR). But now it takes its toll. He is now like the one in earlier times. I can not really connect to him. After a week I would love to see and talk to him with the webcam. Just to talk what's new and give some kisses. He tells me he is very nervous and only thinks about how to find a better place. It is like there is no room for emotional and love talk, or daily things. He said that his brain can not function normally. He is so stressed now that nothing else matters to him. He gets angry a bit when I tell him how difficult it is for me because it reminds me of worse times. He hates that and then tells me that I rub it in.

Gosh, I know then this is a sign I have to shut up. He hates it to see me sad because he can not change it now.

But I can feel so lonely then, and ignored. But on the other hand I know this is part of the game, but it seems that again I failed to do my homework. The difference between then (we had so much fun) and now (him being in this situation) is so big. I know it will get better, it always has. I have to do something about myself. Does anyone here recognize this? How you keep on falling in the same trap? How do you learn to keep yourself together?

Love,
Dutch Girl

 

[mbaldwin]

Nicolette,

thank you for your words! But as I moved on to the next reply, I don't understand why becky has to be so cruel and intentionally hurtful. I loved the carer's section, before she started chiming in on our chat's. I do get help from this forum and I have learned a great deal. I am getting better @ coping and understanding. But, i don't feel it is very respectful of becky to always think that we have the issue and our relationship has the issue. I odn't think she would appreciate if we were to speculate anything regarding her issues or her relationships. I think I will take a break from this forum. Thank you so much

 

[becvan]

I have no idea who Becky is, as there is no Becky posting in this thread. What I do know, is that we are ALL welcome here. This is not a private one on one chat. Both sufferers and carers have weighed in and it has enriched this discussion. Respect works both ways.

bec

 

[Nicolette]

What I do know, is that we are ALL welcome here.

This is true Bec. Unfortunately once again I think the issue being highlighted is when carers go into sufferers areas and vice versa, perception varies from both sides and things get taken either too personally or out of context.

Come on guys....we are here to help each other. Lets not waste our time bickering and getting emotionally involved over personality differences. Sometimes someone may say something you don't like, that doesn't give ground for a personal attack. If someone says something you disagree with then share your opinion. This thread is about carers having relationships with people who have PTSD and learning about the dynamics of such....

 

[Nicolette]

I think I will take a break from this forum. Thank you so much

You are most welcome to be a part of this community here mbaldwin and learn about PTSD. Such comments as what you have written above serve no purpose other than to attract negative attention to yourself. There is no need for any of us to resort to such behaviour. If you want to learn, take on board what you think is relevant and discard the rest. This is not about you personally. Not everyone will see eye to eye all the time......that's just life! :rolleyes:

 

[linasmom]

Honestly, any intellectual conversation has to at least require that people know who exactly they are having a conversation with. :rolleyes:

I'm sorry that this thread has not helped you mbaldwin. However it has, for a fact, helped other carers who were in abusive relationships. I know this because I've received private messages from carers regarding this thread.

If you feel that this thread does not apply to you, then you should just ignore it as it is not applicable. But you keep replying and moaning about it - why?

Best,
Rachel

 

[ladybug08]

Linasmom - Amen :thumbs-up