Relationship PTSD - The Impact On Relationships Continued

[sweetface]

The only thing I have experienced from my carers in relationships, or my partners is that they re-injure me. Some of them are clergy and have been religious leaders so even that type of maturity or orientation doesn't make a carer any more aware or kind. My PTSD is centered around a rape and Complex PTSD which is abandonment in childhood which has created men who abandon in my relationships. The only time PTSD flares is when they leave. It's then that all my symptoms come back, so being in relationship intimately is fine, until they leave and then I can be back in the heat of severe anxiety for months because each time "I" reach out to my partners, and they don't talk, they 're-traumatize me' even after they say they understand in the beginning of a relationship. NOTE: My PTSD never comes up in the beginning, only if a man dominates, abuses by withholding and abandoning.

I think you guys probably go thru alot with trauma survivors abandoning you, but for me it's just the opposite. My intimate partners tend to be fair weathered and promise the world - total understanding and lifetime committment, and then bail and with no warning to me. They go back to an ex gf or they say anything but then I have also been in relationships with men who are also traumatized by abusive spouses and who have been cheated on, so they bail easily when intimacy gets intense.

I don't think that carers get enough support in therapy for knowing what they contribute to the trauma possibly. I can tell my carers they 'triggered' me while I need to talk thru it and calm, but they don't care. They aren't really carers....just like my father.....

So, I think projections go back and forth. I think to give up prematurely on a PTSD survivor is cruel, very cruel. Sometimes carers should look at themselves and what they ARENT bringing to the relationship instead of blaming the survivor.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[Frankie]

I have posted here earlier, cause my bf left after being in a relationship for almost 2 years and living together for 2 weeks. As a carer I tried my best to educate myself and understand his PTSD...but as all carers can tell, it is not always easy. My bf and I had a very committed relationship, we always communicated, and on 2 occasions my bf says I saved his life. I was always able to talk calmly to him and make him feel better....change the way he saw things. It was a great relationship. Yes, I am the first to admit that at times (well, many times)...I forgot he had PTSD, that is because he was so healthy and sane. I rarely saw aggression, bad behavior on his part (the only times was when he was driving), but I could and would calm him. He was always gentle, caring and loving towards me. It was a healthy relationship. He was supportive and understanding of me and I was the same with him. Sure, we had to make some adjustments, but as I said earlier, we were committed to each other and committed to our relationship.

So, what went wrong ! My ex-husband was making life miserable for us....and my bf could not handle it ! I handled things badly myself, adding to the stress and frustration...I used to tell my bf everything my ex-husband used to tell me...forgetting that all this would add to the stress. Did I do wrong !! I know I did....but as I said before, things were so normal and healthy between us that I used to forget about his disorder. Talking about things and sharing thoughts were what we did all the time.

And when my bf was packing to leave, I nagged and cried and continuously asked WHY !! all the while he would not respond, he was shaking and in tears himself....Did I stop nagging....NO !! All I want to do is call him, but I know that I will not...Now, after thinking about it and reading some posts here...I again understand what he is going through, though for a while, I forgot !! I regret immensly what I put him through, I now understand that love alone is not going to heal him. And no matter how great and special our love and commitment was, he will always be a sick man.

Yes, I read a lot about PTSD, and I knew what I could and could not do or say with him. I knew when to back off...and when to give him space. I knew all of that...but when you see the man you love packing to leave you without ever having had an argument ! ...and you see that he is not reacting to you...no matter how much you know that he cannot react and that is his way of coping...no matter how much you know all of this !! When your man leaves, you try everything ! I could not let him go, knowing that I love him, knowing that he loves me....How could I have just let him go !

I now know I did everything wrong...everything I should not have said..I said...but we carers are not saints, we are just human, with feelings of our own. Given the chance I would have done things differently. But I know that now it is up to him. I can not help him !

 

[greenscousegal]

Heavy heavy thread. My bottom line for me, and I am not saying anyone else should or needs be the same, is that to have a relationship with another I must be as healthy as I can be. If I have overwhelming needs of being cherished, adored and loved, I may not be able to have that with a person who has PTSD.
But what I can do is accept that what I am given is fine for my needs and does not hurt me. So, despite what may be a lack of adoration etc, I am
loved. Counts for a lot for me.

 

[Nicolette]

I now know I did everything wrong...everything I should not have said..I said...but we carers are not saints, we are just human, with feelings of our own. Given the chance I would have done things differently. But I know that now it is up to him. I can not help him !

Hindsight is a wonderful thing Frankie but don't put all the blame on yourself. Every relationship is a two way street PTSD or no PTSD. Who is to say if you did things differently they would change the current outcome. Please don't beat yourself up too much. Dealing with PTSD is sometimes difficult but also don't forget that PTSD is not an excuse either....there is a man there as well. It's often hard to separate PTSD and character traits. You may learn a lot out of this situation and it's not over yet. Time is the only thing which will tell you the real answer.

 

[Frankie]

You are right Nicolette when you say: "Dealing with PTSD is sometimes difficult but also don't forget that PTSD is not an excuse either....there is a man there as well. It's often hard to separate PTSD and character traits."

And you are also right in mentioning that I should not blame myself completely, If I had done and said things differently that last week, if the outcome would have been any different or if he had already accumulated stress during the last few months without me realizing it!

 

[rubytuesday]

Sisu writes:

I want him to want to get better. For himself, for his kids and maybe a bit for me. But I don't see that happening anytime soon

This is, in a nutshell, my issue too. (But for my honey, it's not the VA's "fault"...) Very saddening and maddening! and such a process learning to accept him AS HE IS.

 

[Lost_in_FL]

My bf and I had a very committed relationship, we always communicated, and on 2 occasions my bf says I saved his life. I was always able to talk calmly to him and make him feel better....change the way he saw things. It was a great relationship. Yes, I am the first to admit that at times (well, many times)...I forgot he had PTSD, that is because he was so healthy and sane. I rarely saw aggression, bad behavior on his part (the only times was when he was driving), but I could and would calm him. He was always gentle, caring and loving towards me. It was a healthy relationship. He was supportive and understanding of me and I was the same with him. Sure, we had to make some adjustments, but as I said earlier, we were committed to each other and committed to our relationship.

So, what went wrong ! My ex-husband was making life miserable for us....and my bf could not handle it ! I handled things badly myself, adding to the stress and frustration...I used to tell my bf everything my ex-husband used to tell me...forgetting that all this would add to the stress. Did I do wrong !! I know I did....but as I said before, things were so normal and healthy between us that I used to forget about his disorder. Talking about things and sharing thoughts were what we did all the time.

And when my bf was packing to leave, I nagged and cried and continuously asked WHY !! all the while he would not respond, he was shaking and in tears himself....Did I stop nagging....NO !! All I want to do is call him, but I know that I will not...Now, after thinking about it and reading some posts here...I again understand what he is going through, though for a while, I forgot !! I regret immensly what I put him through, I now understand that love alone is not going to heal him. And no matter how great and special our love and commitment was, he will always be a sick man.

Wow, Frankie, I am stunned. Evidently what happened to you also happened to me, except that my husband has never been diagnosed. I knew he has issues and seemed to have gotten a tremendous grip on his life since then, but I was totally unaware that the episodes with my son's recently diagnosed bipolar symptoms were secretly freaking him out (he never said a word or acted differently until the kid's suicide attempt, when he announced he wanted out of the marriage....)

 

[ladybug08]

I read this post again to see how its going, and I could not help but wonder if those of you in a relationship took your time to get to know each other before going all-the-way. That could make things real complicated. We are all at our best behavoir when first meet.

 

[Frankie]

Yes, Lost in FL ....It is hard to see that many of us are actually going through the same things.....it is hard but at the same time, we realize that we are not alone. On the other hand it is also uplifting to read about those that are able to have and are able to maintain a good relationship.

Ladybug08, in answer to your question, yes, I did take the time to know my bf, actually we both took the time to get to know each other. We were seeing each other almost 2 years before deciding to move in together.

We are both in our early 50's....we both knew what we wanted in a person. He was honest about his PTSD from the beginning and opened up to me a lot. Even knowing that the road would be a rocky one, he was the one for me.....And yes, I have seen him when he "was not at his best behavior" :)

How is it going ?...well, I love him very much, miss him more then ever and I wish he was back in my life, but only time will tell....in the meantime I am trying to move on and keeping busy.

 

[Zaphara]

After reading a few of these posts. Can I just say to the author of this, how can you be so harsh on carers. You tell us that you see the same whining, the same symptoms over and over. There is a reason for that, healthy or unhealthy relationships, PTSD sufferers can lash out, can be verbally abusive, can walk out, can have no loving feelings for someone they've been married to for quite some time. My husband has PTSD, and if it weren't for forums online and relating to others, I would feel very much like a PTSD sufferer, alone and lost. You can't just tell a carer to get over it. No matter how much you educate yourself on it, doesn't mean we're ever going to fully understand it. My husband was diagnosed with PTSD while serving in Iraq. He has come home and is extremely distant, he can't tell me he loves me and he just doesn't know how he feels. I am committed to my relationship with him, although we're separated and have our problems as many married people do, we just cannot turn our emotions off. Sometimes we need to vent, sometimes we need to surround us with others to tell us that things are going to be OK. Sometimes we need the strength of others to help us connect with our strength again, just so we can go on with the relationship we're currently in.

Just because we show the same symptoms and have the same whines and cries, doesn't mean that an hour ago we were sitting on top of the world confident in handling our relationship with the sufferer, by being patient and understanding all the while giving them the space they need. Communication is a key to a healthy relationship, but you know, when they do need their space, they do stop the communicating. They disappear in their safety zone and we, the carers just have to wait for them to come out of it again and become part of the family. This gets to us. If we have no one to turn to, then it eventually eats away at us. We get depressed, we cry, we try to find anyone who will lend an ear. We can only talk to our friends and family so much before they start saying, he just doesn't care or he'd make the effort. Well, I'm sorry but when a sufferer has to slap on a happy face and act like everything is fine and he is in control of his life, all the while he's fighting his inner demons, its extremely exhausting. The last thing they want to do is come home and be expected to be normal around their family. They take it out on the carer. It is not very fair of anyone to come in here and tell us to wake up, suck it up and get over it. That is just about effective as telling a sufferer to grow up and just get over whatever traumatic experience you had.

Sometimes us carers have to be reminded to be patient, to give them space and most importantly to know that they're not alone. That many are going through the same things. It gives us strength and a sense of peace, that if we do stick it out and we are there for them and we do educate ourselves on it, then we can survive another day with our sufferer.

As you have said, any kind of abuse isn't acceptable for a PTSD sufferer to do in a relationship, a lot of us don't just accept it. I moved out. We have talked, we are separated, I give him his space like he asked. I don't force him to make any decisions, I still keep in contact with him, even though he cannot do so himself. The sufferers KNOWS that it hurts us. They do not want to hurt us, but it happens. They drop off the face of the earth, because they'd rather us be angry at them, than to be hurt by them.

We cannot force them to get help and we can't fix it either. It has to be their decision to do so. And it is not easy for the sufferer to make that first phone call to get the help they need. Some even live in denial and that makes it that much harder for the carer. So, I think that the author of this thread needs to take a step back at not just her relationship that she has, but the thousands of others who are in the same boat, stop whining about our whining and be other carers strength when we just cannot find ours.

 

[Nicolette]

So, I think that the author of this thread needs to take a step back at not just her relationship that she has, but the thousands of others who are in the same boat, stop whining about our whining and be other carers strength when we just cannot find ours.

You're entitled to your opinion Zaphara but I think you have taken what I have written out of context. If you want to have a go at me please feel free to use my name also.

I am sorry but I don't need to take a step back in my relationship as I have a very rewarding one with a PTSD sufferer and we are very happy.

 

[Nicolette]

After reading a few of these posts. Can I just say to the author of this, how can you be so harsh on carers.

Firstly Zaphara, to put things into perspective you need to read the entire thread and not just a few posts.

Sometimes we need the strength of others to help us connect with our strength again, just so we can go on with the relationship we're currently in.

The point of this thread was about Carers complaining about being mistreated in relationships and their responsibility to it. If a relationship is so bad does a person have to stay? Is PTSD and excuse?

Needing strength versus a reality check are two different things.

They take it out on the carer.

Yes that is true....but how much should you "take"?

It is not very fair of anyone to come in here and tell us to wake up, suck it up and get over it. That is just about effective as telling a sufferer to grow up and just get over whatever traumatic experience you had.

No-one is saying that. What has been talked about is recognising when a person with PTSD is not capable of having a relationship with someone. It is about finding acceptance with reality than complaining about every sign that suggests the sufferer no longer has any vested interest in a relationship.

It gives us strength and a sense of peace, that if we do stick it out and we are there for them and we do educate ourselves on it, then we can survive another day with our sufferer.

In my opinion you only get one shot at life and if the choice I was faced with was to try and survive another day in a relationship under the pretence of "love" versus walking away..... I'd have to walk. I am not prepared to sell myself short.

As you have said, any kind of abuse isn't acceptable for a PTSD sufferer to do in a relationship,

My point exactly.

I moved out. We have talked, we are separated, I give him his space like he asked.

Good for you!

I don't force him to make any decisions, I still keep in contact with him, even though he cannot do so himself. The sufferers KNOWS that it hurts us. They do not want to hurt us, but it happens. They drop off the face of the earth, because they'd rather us be angry at them, than to be hurt by them.

If that is what you choose then so be it.

Like you said with your family before....

We can only talk to our friends and family so much before they start saying, he just doesn't care or he'd make the effort.

Why do you think I should have a different response to your family if you kept writing here with everything pointing to the same conclusion your family have come to?

I'm not telling you how to run your relationship or what boundaries you set, but I am saying if you complain and complain about the same thing yet don't do anything to change it well, don't expect to hear warm and fuzzies from me.

In my opinion, from what you have written, you have done something to look after you by moving out. Well done I say. I do however realise how painful that may be but that is better than being abused.

It takes more than love to have a successful relationship and both parties have a responsibility.

We cannot force them to get help and we can't fix it either. It has to be their decision to do so. And it is not easy for the sufferer to make that first phone call to get the help they need. Some even live in denial and that makes it that much harder for the carer.

I don't understand why you are objecting to what I have written when you yourself are saying similar things....in that you are able to see the problems. The people who I was referring to were so caught up in love that they didn't want to read and acknowledge what they themselves were writing...they were allowing themselves to be abused and called it LOVE!