No Intimacy

[maddiegirl]

Hi. My husband and I have been married for almost 5 yrs. He came back from a deployment and hasn't been the same. He's been home for 2 yrs now and we haven't been intimate in over a year. He takes no meds, ( and will not take any. He thinks they are a waste of time and wont help) and is only seeing his therapist once a month. He simply have has no desire/interest . :) He says he just never thinks about it. It wasn't terribly frequent prior to him leaving, but its never been this bad. I'm at a loss. Any and all advice for me would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Friday]

The top libido killers are : Sleep Dep, Depression, AntiDepressants, Hormonal Imbalance, & Stress. They pass out that list to new parents, so they know there's hope, but it's also a rather pertinent list for PTSD.

And that's before one takes into account a lot of the really disgusting memories, flashbacks, self loathing, etc. that often pile on.

I have the opposite problem, my libido kicks up in time of stress, so I can't help you with any pragmatics... Except it sounds like when you talk with him, you're only getting half an answer. Never thinking about it is one thing. That just tosses initiating onto you. But the other half is balking after it's been brought up. That's another thing, entirely.

 

[maddiegirl]

You're exactly right. He says if I want it, I have to take it.. He said all that will happen will be fake. That was nice to hear (not). But, he is sleep deprived, horrendous nightmares, pretty much everything you said. I am a very patient person so I suppose I'll continue to wait
He said it may never change
wow thats hard to hear
Thank you for your response :-)

 

[ekane]

Only seeing therapist once a month the and taking no meds means he isn't serious about recovering. When you have PTSD you would do anything to afford as much therapy as possible. If I were you I would go see my own therapist to find out why you're not already thinking divorce in the back of your mind. 1 year. Fine. But what about when its 2,3,4,5? You're going to let him keep making excuses and tip toeing around doing the amount of therapeutic work which is really needed?

 

[maddiegirl]

Oh trust I have already thought about it and my own therapist and I have discussed it in length. He says he can get better without meds and therapist are full of shit. And yes I truly believe that he is top toeing about the idea of sex. For the longest time I thought it was me and am not still 100% it isnt, but my lord he won't even try. He says he wakes up every morning to try and give a shit about anything. I don't know. Do people with PTSD tend to stray outside their marriage? Just curious, After a while ya starting thinking that way...

 

[Sweetpea76]

I WISH I had some advice for you... I can only commiserate. My vet also has stretches of time where he has absolutely no sex drive at all.

He said all that will happen will be fake. That was nice to hear (not).

I've heard that one before... as well as"let's get it over with" and "I'm just doing this for you." It's a punch to the ole self esteem for sure. Makes you feel unattractive and like some kind of perverted, horny predator. Especially if you are trying to be sensitive and not initiate sex, and then this happens on the rare occasions when it does happen.

 

[maddiegirl]

Honey, I don't even get "lets go ahead and get it over with". that does hurt the self esteem. Sweet Pea, did the stretch go for over a yr or what? Just trying to figure the route I need to take here.

 

[Friday]

Only seeing therapist once a month the and taking no meds means he isn't serious about recovering. When you have PTSD you would do anything to afford as much therapy as possible.

I have to respectfully disagree with ekane, here.

Not only does any kind of acknowledgment while active duty show huge commitment (as it not only puts your career in jeopardy, but it's also goes completely against the culture to admit any kind of weakness: suck it up buttercup, pain is weakness leaving the body... The culture itself feeds one of the biggest symptoms: avoidance, big fat juicy steaks.), but active duty or discharged... Many vets, if not most, have no idea what all goes into PTSD.

Especially in certain jobs "everyone" has the symptoms of PTSD. You learn, from each other, how to hide that shit. How to lock it down. How to keep moving, at all costs. "You would do anything" to fix yourself drive is still there... But therapy is not the knee jerk answer in the military that it is in the civilian world.

Just a few differences:

- In the civilian world, medical information is private.
- In the civilian world, people often go to therapy to keep their jobs.
- In the civilian world, you cannot legally be discriminated against for mental health.

- In the military world, your medical info is public. All your bosses have access, and they have the right to disseminate that as they see fit. So to, anyone who outranks you, all medical employees (no confidentiality), etc.
- In the military world, people go to therapy often lose their jobs.
- In the military world, it is absolutely 100% legal for your mental health status to cost you not just your current job in the military, to change the work you're allowed to do (deployment status, flight status, etc.) but can and does often rate an immediate medical or misconduct discharge. Which will then follow you, in your records, to every single job you will ever apply for that needs a background check, or that you list military in your CV/resume. Your DD214 (discharge summary) includes that information, and every future prospective employer will see not only see it... But it disqualifies one from many of the lines of work military folk flood into upon discharge.

Therapy is the "make life better" first & best option in the civilian world.
Therapy is often the "f*ck my life" option of last resort in the military world.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@maddiegirl, We've been together less than three years, and I met him after he already had PTSD, so I have no comparison to what he was like before. I can say with us, we've never had a dry spell last a year. We have gone a few months though. He has never been overly enthusiastic in that department. When he doesn't feel well, it's like he is guilty for getting aroused. It's like he doesn't want to get aroused, but he does because he his human after all, then he has to feel bad about it afterwards. I think some of his also has to do with his physical injuries, and he just can't do what he used to do... but he more than gets the job done, and I tell him.

He tells me it is "him" and that he is working on it, and that one day he will be better about it. I'm just dealing with trying not to take it personally. I've always had a very healthy sex drive, and this is pretty hard for me. I am very careful never push him or initiate, but we have had instances where he has tried to make me feel guilty for my sexuality. I'll be damned if I'm made to feel bad for having normal human emotions. If he doesn't like it, he can stay out of my nightstand drawer ;).

 

[maddiegirl]

Thank you so much for sharing that with me Sweet Pea...

 

[Sweetpea76]

@maddiegirl does he only go to therapy once a month by his own choosing, or is that all the VA can get him in?

 

[maddiegirl]

Because he choosing to