What Is Wrong With Avoidance?

[SeaQuel]

@Chava I can relate. The work week takes a lot out of me, maybe everything out of me. I've removed most everything else from my plate. And I've always needed a lot of "me" time to recharge. I want a more well-rounded life again, but I guess I just feel like there's so many "dos and dont's" and I'm sick of feeling societal pressure to not be such a loner. Right now I feel better being alone and cutting out triggers when I can. I understand what everyone is saying that avoidance can lead to more triggers, but I feel that once I start tackling the sources of my traumas, then I will naturally want to engage more with society. And I just find this all confusing because I've been told to "listen" to what my body needs, but then when I do, it seems it's not ok.

 

[Chava]

I feel that once I start tackling the sources of my traumas, then I will naturally want to engage more with society. And I just find this all confusing because I've been told to "listen" to what my body needs, but then when I do, it seems it's not ok.

I do believe the first part. Also, I relate to the second statement here. But I've gotten over some initial guilt. It helps that my therapist acknowledges that I'm also probably an introvert...there will always seem to be pressure to be more social if I let it get to me. I used to do way too much and my body crashed. I've had to learn how to listen to my body. In coming out of the crash I've had many panic attacks...crowds and too much on my schedule made it worse. It IS getting better now and I'm creeping slowly back into the world, but with better knowledge of myself and what kind of social interaction actually feels good vs what it seems like people are supposed to do.

 

[rightkindofme]

Historically speaking people lived in relatively small groups. Villages and towns were maybe a few hundred people. There have always been *some* cities, but lots of people have had fairly isolated lives forever. I don't see why it is "wrong" to do as our ancestors have done because it feels more comfortable. Not everyone wants 100 acquaintances.

 

[Changing4Best]

I used to be a loner, staying in the house all the time and moping.

Then I started going to my local Senior Center, having a great time there and making new friends. Then this past week we had 2 snow storms and the place was closed. I have been sitting in the house going crazy, experiencing anxiety and in general, feeling lousy. So I really can't wait until this storm clears up and we can get back to our usual routine of sharing meals, playing games, exercising and socializing. This being in the house all alone for days on end is driving me crazy!

So I did not have to do anything to look at the answer to this question in my world. I had a live example of it this week. I'm convinced that going out and doing things is the best way to handle PTSD. In fact, I am so convinced of this that I made of point of going out for walks, shopping, visiting the library, visiting neighbors and such. Anything but sit home alone. I hope this example helps you.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Nothing is wrong with limiting your exposure to the outside world. If you took a person from 100+ years ago and stuck them in today's society, you'd better believe that they'd be overwhelmed! We have stuff bombarding us 24/7, and this is NOT the way we evolved to live.

Therapists can be misguided in this area. Under the guise of PTSD being a purely mental aspect, then I suppose that socialization is generally seen as a good thing. However, MOST therapists haven't even taken basic anatomy so they have no clue about any of the physical sides to this disorder. (Ya, I honestly do think basic Anatomy & Physiology should be required for ALL therapists, but sadly, many of them wouldn't pass the course!) Even a basic rudimentary knowledge of the nervous system would give them some insight into this not being "all in the mind" in that yes, indeed, our nerves (PHYSICAL nerves) are fried. It would be the same as telling an albino individual to go out in the sun because hey, the sun is good, you will feel better when your body makes vitamin D! Uhm, well, not so fast...

 

[joeylittle]

I want a more well-rounded life again, but I guess I just feel like there's so many "dos and dont's" and I'm sick of feeling societal pressure to not be such a loner. Right now I feel better being alone and cutting out triggers when I can.

I think there's a middle ground that I call 'being alone in public places'. I have tons of trouble socializing and am not in a place to engage with it right now, so I am protective of my quiet time. But, I know that unless I challenge myself to it, I can go without leaving my house for days at a time if I have a break from work. I won't shower, eat, do - I won't leave the cave.

For me, that's using my need for solitary time as an excuse to avoid the world. And I know it, because I look out my window and feel like I want to get out - I just don't know where to go, and have no-one to go there with, so I don't. I actually think that is more what is meant specifically by avoidance - rather than just the binary choices of 'be by yourself' or 'be socially engaged with other people'.

 

[Friday]

... I want to know why I can't listen to that need if that's what my body and mind is telling me I need right now?

Listening to your instincts is different from being a slave to them.

 

[SeaQuel]

@rightkindofme and @Solara I like the historical perspective. I don't want to take this too off track, but I often think about what it be like to truly live off the grid. We are a social animal, but today it sometimes seems we're going in the opposite direction with the advent of social media, cell phones etc. We actually don't need to interact person-to-person anymore. But that's probably a different thread.

@SheilaKathy I am glad you found what works for you and I appreciate you sharing your example. However, I don't think this is a one-size-fits-all illness or solution. I am not generally lonely, I enjoy (and need) time to myself.

@Solara The physical side of this illness is exactly what I'm referring to. My symptoms strongly manifest physically and so I have coping strategies to deal with that, which just so happen to be considered "non-healthy" by some.

@joeylittle and @FridayJones Thanks for the explanations. I guess I might still be confused: is it considered avoidance if you are following your body's cues to be by yourself and that means that you don't get to the store to pick something up, for example?

 

[Traci]

I do the same thing and to be quite honest, I don't enjoy social activities unless they involve taking my daughter places to have fun (park, movies, etc.). It takes a lot of energy to interact, always worrying that I said the "wrong" thing, come across as inadequate, etc.. I hate this and am working on it. Part of my therapy is exposure, but I go through periods of time where I just feel stuck (like now) and I don't want to do anything.

 

[SeaQuel]

Just to clarify, I understand that introversion and extroversion are on a continuum and that every person falls somewhere along it, sometimes leaning more towards one side than the other at different times in one's life. I know it may be difficult to separate personality from my question, but what I'm really trying to understand is avoidance in a clinical sense. In my pre-PTSD life, I was social and active. I'm not by nature a loner. It's just post-PTSD that I have tended to cut way, way back on all of that, because it feels like that's what I need right now.

 

[Friday]

I don't believe either isolation or avoidance are bad things in and of themselves. Indeed, that they may be the absolute best things to do under certain circumstance, although not all circumstances at all times. It's when you have no other option; when it's no longer a choice, much less the best choice that things become highly problematic. (The whole listening vs slave to).

I believe they are bad signs.

Signs that things have gone out of balance, in one way or another... And that merits looking at, at the very least, and often addressing.

 

[joeylittle]

is it considered avoidance if you are following your body's cues to be by yourself and that means that you don't get to the store to pick something up, for example?

I don't think so, not unless what you needed to pick up was food for your pet who hasn't been fed at all today because you are out....in other words, taking it easy on yourself, keeping things simple, is often encouraged by most therapeutic modalities. But it is all with an aim towards partial functioning. Someone without a mental illness can spend literally all day in bed, doing nothing, and feel fine the next day. For many of us, spending that day in bed doing nothing would actually cause some symptoms to worsen. I know I'm better off getting up and taking a shower, having a cup of tea, and then going back to bed if I'm that fatigued - but making sure to get up another hour later to try and go for a walk or two around the block.

I think avoidance leads to some kind of suffering or negative consequence. But retreating to your cave for rest and recuperation isn't always avoidance.