Running Away

[shimmerz]

It occurred to me today that each and every time I had issues somewhere that I could not sort out (which seemed to be everywhere), I had to run away to give myself relief. This has turned into a vicious cycle of having less and less tolerance, (cause this ain't my first rodeo anymore) and then booting it.

I don't really seem to think through the 'booting it to where?' issue and whether it would be good for me in the long run. I just hit the road.

I was, during the time of my PTSD presenting itself as a freeze/fawner, pretty immobilized, but now that I am not doing that anymore, it seems like my MO is to run. I also wonder if I am not freeze/fawning anymore because I did the 'ultimate run' when I 'booted it' to California, leaving most issues behind.

I am wondering, if any of you have had experience with running (maybe a few of you have :meh:), is there anything you have been able to do to ground yourself out of wanting to run? Also, how has being a 'runner' affected you?

Thank you.

 

[Ronin]

I've ran. Physically helped more than emotionally. Because emotionally really wasn't escaping anything, just having another layer of crap I could build on, but that wasn't a firm ground, more of a quicksand. Physical running? Clearing head so fast. Also needing to get priorities straight fast as well. Where am I going and why am I on go anyway & who am I going with? Ooh. This & that may be complication. Change of direction. It was way better than doing nothing and leaving planning behind in recklessness.

Alternatively, when I absolutely can't, because it would only bring out complications? I run toward that danger in smaller doses. Last year my biggest problem and fears have been (re-) exposure. I did what I was tempted to run from, just with more caution and planning. Analysing and analysing. Getting to the root cause and working at persuading it to move out, instead of cycle of push/pull leading nowhere.

So basically finding a third path. One that includes issues... but doesn't give them the space to be full blown. Rooted in understanding why are they as they are in the first place.

 

[scout86]

That's a "bad" thing?

Something kind of interesting came up in my last therapy session. At one point, I mentioned that I still felt a little guilty about my divorce, because my ex was perfectly happy with things as they were and I decided to change the rules in the middle of the game. I said that I didn't think that was fair. My T seemed surprised. Maybe appalled! He said not only is it ok to change the rules in the middle of the game, you HAVE to. I said, "You mean I should have?" He said, "No. 'Should' means you could have and you didn't. I mean you HAVE to." He says the rules of all games change all the time. it's ok and necessary.

I'm still kind of stunned.

What I realized later was, I have so strongly believed in consistency, and that it was "WRONG" to try to change the rules to make things work better, that my reaction to "bad rules" has always been to leave. Then start over and try to get it "right" the next time.

I'm still in the "Holy cow! Who knew?" phase of thinking about this, but I just wanted to throw it out there, in case it looked familiar.

 

[Hope4Now]

I run all the time. Sometimes actually...as in physically going somewhere for a period of time. My MO is to run away from people and be by myself. A long time ago I "ran" away to England for a a year. It didn't look like running. It looked like embracing a job opportunity. It was running. And it was miserable, even though I had some good experiences there. That is usually the case with me...actually running somewhere does relieve something, at least for a little. Sort of fools parts of me into thinking if I run I will be safe.

I think running is playing out my need to run from childhood. I ran away twice when I was a kid...once at 4 years old, once at 17. Both were fails (in my mind at the time) in that I returned home in unhappy circumstances. Then I ran to college. To graduate school (twice!). To work at a summer theatre. To wildnerness trips...to relationships...all sorts of places. On the outside, all these things looked quite healthy and adventurous but they weren't. I was running away from myself. Trying to re-make my life from the outside in, instead of the inside out (which I am trying so hard to do now). To tell the truth, even my marriage 20 years ago was a sort of running away. But that one turned out pretty well in the long run.

I know, now, that when I most want to run away is when I need to have the courage to run toward someone who understands me and with whom I can feel some semblance of safety. To shelter in them instead of alienating myself. I don't have many people like that. I wish I did. It is my own fault because I have always run away from people. And I don't often actually reach out when I need to. In fact, I rarely do even though I know it is the healthiest thing I can do. I have a lot of "friends." But they only know my ANPs.

I almost ran away Tuesday a week ago. Really. It took most of the day sitting in my car to examine what was going on with me and to make the choice to go home from a place of self, rather than to go home because I felt there was no other choice, or to run away because that's what many parts were wanting me to do. I realized I had a choice. I don't think I have ever thought I had a choice, really, because parts have generally taken over and dictated. None of my parts were particularly happy, because none of them got exactly what they wanted, but I made the decision that I thought was best for all of "us." It was transformational. I would like to be able to live that way more often.

What I mostly do is run away in my mind. That is MUCH harder to manage. I have so many ways of running away in my mind that I still don't know what all of them are. I seem to have a profound capacity to disappear even though, to all looking on I seem to be present. It is very odd. Why I feel like an alien most of the time. The work on mindfulness meditation and mindful breathing and movement is helping, but doesn't always work (as you will know from my recent post...). I am living a sort of partial life because I do this. I don't want to anymore.

Sorry if this is a disjointed response. Am kind of scrambled today. But your post so resonated because I am battling agains the compulsion to actually run away right now...I COULD just take off and blow off this whole professional thing that is flipping me out...But, instead, I am here on the forum...trying to get grounded.

 

[Hope4Now]

What I realized later was, I have so strongly believed in consistency, and that it was "WRONG" to try to change the rules to make things work better, that my reaction to "bad rules" has always been to leave. Then start over and try to get it "right" the next time.

I just saw this. I think maybe this is the realization of "choice" I talk about in my post...but you've extended my understanding in a whole new way! Really? One can change the rules? And still play? Who knew? I've always been about the extremes of either being trapped or running away to start over. Thanks, @scout86 !

 

[Ice_Fire]

I think I have a tendency to do this, but I don't think it's altogether a bad thing. To me, there's something very wrong with a given situation I'm in (even if I can't quite define it) to want to run away in the first place. Sometimes, leaving things behind is the best choice. Other times, it's just changing one aspect of your life instead of all of it that needs to happen.

 

[sun seeker]

I was about to say no... but thinking about it, that's just because I've used a different vocabulary. I don't think about running so much as about reinventing myself. This is how I see it. I don't have DID; enough people have described to me what that feels like that I'm confident in that. But I lack a core identity. It's like being one of those disco balls with hundreds of little mirrors on the surface that will reflect whatever is in front of them, sometimes a bunch of things simultaneously, but on the inside it's empty. Another way of putting it is being like a leaf in the wind, blown this way and that, with little will of its own. So if an attractive idea comes along, or a person with a stronger personality crosses my path, I'll be pulled in that direction and so absorbed that for a while I can fool myself into thinking that's who I really am. Like seeing the world through someone else's eyes almost. This makes me way too easy to abuse or take advantage of. It's gotten better over time; at least now I know when I'm doing it and that it isn't real, and my sense of places I won't go has gotten stronger.

Physically I've run away, or escaped, repeatedly. As a teenager I tried hard to find a family that would take me in to get away from my family, but everyone turned me down. I spent as much time away from home as possible. When my parents fought I'd run. Walking, riding my bike, hiding. At 17 I left home for good, moved in with a friend's family, which lasted until the friend's father beat her and I threatened to call the police and they said they didn't trust me anymore and asked me to leave. They would have given me time to find a place to go but I felt I had to run, and I left late at night and went over to another friend's house and sat in their garage until they got home and let me in. Stayed there for several months until that family had people staying that drank so much I wasn't getting any sleep, so again I left. Finished school and had no plans, so accepted an invitation to another country, a very unstable situation. Got into a bad relationship there and gave up my plans for university for this relationship. And so on, and so forth for many years. I've complained before about how I don't know how to decide what kind of work I want to do because I don't know who I am. This is the same thing.

I see what @scout86 is saying, that it's all right to change your mind about what you want as you go along. I think there is a balance though. Having a clear enough idea of what you want and where you are going that you can hold onto that and solve the problems that arise on the way, while being flexible enough to tell when it is time to change direction. Being able to tell the difference between a reasoned decision to change your mind, and a flight reaction because you don't know how to solve a problem.

I'm becoming aware of black and white thinking in a lot of areas of life (and noticing myself using that term in a lot of my posts!). It comes up in any situation where I feel threatened. Unfortunately that's an awful lot of situations. Often I make the most obvious choice presented because making any choice at all feels better than continuing in that nebulous, uncertain area of trying to figure out what I really want. Like a deer in the headlights, frozen until it suddenly chooses a direction and bolts, even if the direction makes no sense. Making poor decisions just to make some decision, then getting there and realizing that doesn't work either. If I can manage to feel safer, or even to give myself some breathing room, hopefully I can make decisions I don't have to run from. And then there's the issue of distress tolerance. Staying with an uncomfortable situation because you know you can get through it and will be better for it rather than fleeing as soon as it gets uncomfortable. Being comfortable with small steps. Knowing how to work through conflict. And trusting your judgement enough to know when it really is time to leave. A whole lot of things are involved here.

Hopefully that made any sense at all! I'm not in a great space today.

 

[joeylittle]

am wondering, if any of you have had experience with running (maybe a few of you have :meh:), is there anything you have been able to do to ground yourself out of wanting to run?

I really always have to ask myself if I am running away or running towards. For myself, running away is usually about blindly escaping the current problem. That is not always a bad thing, I just need to be conscious of the fact that the problem will still be out there.

Running towards is purposefully escaping the problem by getting to a solution. Running towards sometimes doesn't turn out how I thought it might, and it doesn't always work, but it still creates change, which is what was needed.

I can only think of one kind of situation in my life where what I needed to do was stay where I was and work thru the muck, and that was in my relationship. Generally, I think interpersonal things that need working out (ie that you care about, want to work through, etc.) require that both parties stay put until there's some kind of change.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

Very important highlights I noticed so far:

I've ran. Physically helped more than emotionally. Because emotionally really wasn't escaping anything....

My MO is to run away from people and be by myself. A long time ago I "ran" away to England for a a year. It didn't look like running. It looked like embracing a job opportunity.

What I mostly do is run away in my mind. That is MUCH harder to manage.

Really? One can change the 'rules'? And still play?

Sometimes, leaving things behind is the best choice. Other times, it's just changing one aspect of your life instead of all of it that needs to happen.

I don't think about running so much as about reinventing myself.

Having a clear enough idea of what you want and where you are going that you can hold onto that and solve the problems that arise on the way, while being flexible enough to tell when it is time to change direction. Being able to tell the difference between a reasoned decision to change your mind, and a flight reaction because you don't know how to solve a problem.

then there's the issue of distress tolerance. Staying with an uncomfortable situation because you know you can get through it and will be better for it rather than fleeing as soon as it gets uncomfortable. Being comfortable with small steps. Knowing how to work through conflict. And trusting your judgement enough to know when it really is time to leave.

I .. have to ask myself if I am running away or running towards. For myself, running away is usually about blindly escaping the current problem. .. Running towards is purposefully escaping the problem by getting to a solution.

Wow, very good, helpful distinctions, here!

~S2B

 

[illusionist]

I have been a runner since my kids become independent. It meant I didn't set down roots until I met my present partner, but I feel I have made the right decisions at the time....going into the unknown, although frightening, made me feel I was taking control of my life again. A part of me wants to do it again, right now, but know what I would be throwing away in terms of my special relationship I have. It is hard, but know that if I go there's no coming back....and what I have is far too precious to lose.

 

[Eleanor]

My running takes the shape of driving away. I don't any more (much) and I don't drive far. But I play/sing this when I have the urge... It helps.

Running is not always a bad thing - as all the responses above make clear. Getting distance, taking control of events. Not bad things. The three essential legitimate "powers" people in an organization can exercise are voice, loyalty and... EXIT.

 

[scout86]

Really? One can change the rules? And still play? Who knew? I've always been about the extremes of either being trapped or running away to start over.

You're welcome, I guess, but I'm as surprised by this as you are. And, he didn't say you CAN change the rules, he said you HAVE TO. He started out by saying that life isn't a hockey game and then realized that they change the rules in hockey too, so maybe life IS a hockey game. But, near as I can tell he thinks adjusting the rules to fit the way people grow and change is necessary. He's big on the idea that we should be working towards being more who we really are more of the time. To do that, I guess you have to change the rules. But, yeah, "Who knew?"