My Issues....

[J_trustno1]

I know that by now everyone must be sick of my threads here. I could see the last post on my previous thread and it affected me to the point that I felt like a failure and good for nothing. I have been noticing that I have the same repetitive issues over and over again and there is no stopping to them. One issue leads to the other and things keep going round and round like a Mary-go-round. Here is what I have noticed:

1. I am easily affected/influenced by other peoples comments or words. If someone belittles me or yells at me, I am automatically hurt to the point I am crying and in misery for days.

For example at work: this guy keeps telling me to quit and I shouldn't be at this place. He keeps putting me down and now I feel that he is jealous of me because he has said that "you are too qualified for this job.

Another example: Someone wrote on my previous thread that I am repeating my threads and I am not willing to learn. I am in for all the soft and coddling comments therefore I won't get out of my own misery. This comment actually caused me feel sad and upset to the point that I cried this morning after reading it. This person has problems with me or I am probably not good enough to be here on this forum.

2. I absorb people's negativity too quickly. Eg. At work or anywhere where I hear negative comments. (Note: there are some really nice people at work and they are very friendly but the odd one or two are affecting my thoughts).

3. I feel inferior/worthless/having no purpose on earth. I feel like a maggot (even they have a purpose). I feel that other people are better than me and other women are better than I am. I think that they are better looks wise, figure wise, height wise, personality wise, confidence wise, probably education wise, dressing sense wise, if they are married or have partners etc etc... I keep putting myself down that I don't belong anywhere.

When I am with people lower than me, I feel that I can do better (not that I have anything against them) but when I am with people higher than me, I feel that I am not good enough to be with them. I keep telling myself that I will never reach anywhere in life. I tell myself that I have no right to dream high because I am a worthless piece of shit. Why would my bosses want me to promoted up when I have such a shit confidence? Why would any guy want to be with me when he could get any hot model type of girlfriend? I feel that everywhere people have better choices over me and I am never going to be anyone's choice of person, be it relationship wise, education wise or career wise. I saw this couple where the guy was average and his gf looked beautiful, I was thinking that this average looking guy can get a model like gf and why would anyone look at me when they have so many better options to choose from.

I'm sorry for throwing my negativity here but I promise you all that this will probably be my last thread for the month/year because some people are already sick of me writing here too much and never changing myself. I have cried for the day and still crying while writing this, so please don't be too harsh because I do tend to get affected by harsh comments. I'm sorry for my misery :(.

P.S. I've always been abandoned in life so it's best that I accept that as my destiny. I'm not needed anywhere...

 

[mrsps]

Hi @J_trustno1
I feel exactly the same way as you, I could have written this thread myself. I get so easily hurt by others words and actions and I really hate that I am so soft. Im sorry I don't really have any advise for you but just wanted to say you are not alone feeling this way.

To the people you say that are sick of you on here, don't let them stop you from posting! Remember it is much easier for people to be harsh while hiding behind a computer screen!

Oh and congrats on your job!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't worry if its not the right job for you right now it is a step in the door and as they say its easier to get a job when you are already in a job. Bigger and better things will come for you :)

 

[J_trustno1]

Thanks dear kiwi fellow @mrsps :hug:s. You know I was crying while writing this thread and still crying because I feel that I don't belong anywhere. My own father hated me from the day 1 of my birth just because I was a girl, then in NZ by mum's narcissistic brother and sisters. I feel unwanted everywhere :(. Thanks for the encouragement.

 

[mrsps]

(hugs) I am having a shit day today as well. Hate days like this where I feel so lost but cant pull myself out of it. I went to the movies last night with 2 old schools friends, I felt so out of place like I shouldn't have been there with them! It really is a struggle at times. I moved from Aucks to hawkes bay (my home town) last Jan and have had no job in that time. I now have such a huge gap on my CV I don't know how I will manage to get a job.

 

[shimmerz]

I am not sick of your threads at all. I wish you didn't feel that way. I worry that you take on the judgement of others. I am sad for that. Personally, I think you are a really nice person who is doing your best. If someone is passing judgement on you, well, I don't think that they live your life or feel how it is to be in your skin. It is nobody's job to tell you who you are or that you should 'do better'.

 

[J_trustno1]

Thank you @mrsps. Sorry for not replying to you earlier as my gym was going to close in less than 2 hrs and I hadn't exercised since starting work, so had to force myself out of all this crying to exercise. I can totally relate to regarding jobs. It took me more than a year (1yr 4 months to be precise) and over 250 CVs to get this job. I am thankful that at least I am employed now and the work doesn't cause any stress except for couple of negative people there. Don't be disheartened regarding the time being lengthy since your last job because it is not your fault that you are not employed, the economy and government right now is pretty shit. You just gotta keep throwing your CVs and not give up. I know that it is hard to not feel run down due to no job and feeling the odd one out but it is not your fault for not having a job. Please keep looking for jobs on SEEK, Indeed, Trademe and even on the government website. If you need any help with your CV or cover letter, give me a yell, I am more than happy to help you any time because I have been through shit myself and the feeling of being unemployed. Always remember that you are not alone in that situation. :hug:s


Thank you @shimmerz. You have always been support when it comes to my threads. I did feel like giving up when writing this thread but I cannot just give up on life now. I've gotta get up and try. I wish I could eliminate those self-defeating thoughts and that list of comparisons, it's just difficult :(. Thanks for the help and being kind :hug:s

 

[Tanishq]

No, I am not sick of your threads.

Yes Jess, I think you need to slow down yourself. Seems everything has been overwhelming for you since you earned a job and started many new things. You might want to write it in your diary, so you can develop ventilation system for positive and negative thoughts.

Give it a time to come into full effect. Expect it to take something like 4-5 months minimum. We are suffering through ptsd, so quick fix is out of window I guess. This doesn't mean you can go by day-to-day basis. Slow healing is very effective for us. Slow healing is long term,too.

 

[Friday]

I've spent my entire adult life with at least half the people around me in real life hating me. No cognitive distortion, there, just facts. So, most of the time I don't give a f*ck if someone hates me, it's just situation normal. I'm not here for them (usually, although I can think of a few exceptions). I'm here for me. LOL Wherever "here" is. I just grin at them, or wink, tell them to go f*ck themselves, or ignore them, (or in the few exceptions to the rule when I'm there to help them whether they like it or not, take care of business). If I wanted to be liked I'd be a firefighter or a veterinarian.

Key word up there is "most of the time". Bad days happen.

Only exception to this rule is that if someone I trust and respect has a problem with me? I need to check myself. Sometimes hard. Cause sometimes I'm seriously outta line. And other times? I'm not. They're the ones with the problem. Or we have a disagreement, and we're both fine. In all cases, though, I skipped mind-reading 101 in college. If I think someone has a problem with me? That i care about their opinion? I ask. ((If I don't care, I don't ask.)) Same token... If someone I don't respect is proud of me? Need to check myself twice. Hard lesson learned: a pat on the head is only worth anything if the right person is doing it. Not all negative attention is bad. Not all positive attention is good. I need to discriminate. Place value where it belongs.

Now... It's not true that everyone here hates you, or is sick of your questions, but even if everyone did? What are you getting out of being here? Are you learning? Growing? Becoming a better person? Reducing symptoms? Getting help? Something else? Cause any single one of those things is reason to keep doing what's helping you.

I know leaping to conclusions is a challenge you're working on. It's often a PTSD thing. 1+1=72.

 

[Tanishq]

1+1=72.

One moment @FridayJones please explain this math! :)

 

[Friday]

One moment @FridayJones please explain this math!

LOL... Exactly. Our emotions, or adrenaline response, or distortions, pasts... spin everything out of control. So we don't get the right answer.

 

[J_trustno1]

@Tanishq : you know how we have an Indian saying "1 + 1 = 11", it is similar way of saying that in Ptsd we magnify our issues!

 

[Tanishq]

@FridayJones and @J_trustno1 :laugh: Thanks both, learned something new today. Now it makes sense to me. :D