crapthingstosay
"was he attractive?" (a 'friend' reffering to rapist)
I asked, "what has that got to do with it?"
"Well, in court, if they are more attractive than you, they get off scott free, and you get all the blame and costs."
"Alison wouldn't do a thing like that. I've known your Mother and Father for years. You need help." (my guitar teacher)
"You are making it up because nobody pays you the attention you want." (perpetrator)
"I was drunk, so I couldn't help it" (rapist)
"Why do you keep bringing these things up?" ("family")
"Why can't you just forget about it?" (I'm trying to. I didn't slam my own head against the wall or jump from the roof for nothing!)
"Just have a cuppa and bickies and shut up." (not at liberty to say)
"You never hold up to your promises". (Grandfather, after I had mowed Dad's lawn, within days of being raped, despite Dad trying to make it impossible for me to do, destroying the lawn-mower, and telling everybody that nobody ever does anything for him - he's an amputee, and I think he has PTSD as well. I had been saying moments earlier that I want to join a church to play Organ. My family are mostly athiests.)
"You are strong/weak/easy/shallow/drunk/stupid/a liar/fake/attractive/ugly/weird."
"Stand up for yourself next time." (As if I didn't.)
"Get a job." (almost everybody has said this, but comming from a GP whom I was asking for help to get to see a therapist...knowing I couldn't afford it... and knowing I need to sort my shit out before getting a job, because nobody will hire me without doing so first...)
"You are cutting yourself short" (a teacher, after I said, I am leaving school, after I was asked to leave by the deputee principle for having depression, and after the councellor kissed me, and as I was not able to spend much time protecting my baby brother from abuse while I was at school, and living away from home so my Mother couldn't continue abusing me, at 17yo. I was not cutting myself short, my surroundings were. Mind you, I went back to school twice after that, and for compelling reasons had to leave again... I am now at University, and my brother is old enough to tell me if something happens, and I am able to visit him at my fathers' house, to check on him - though before the family split up: mum sleeping with my X, I couldn't visit him, because she threatened my life if I did and made rules about visits, it had to be during school hours for example...when I had a bf she was interested in I was allowed to visit with him)
"Just do it." (about stage fright, which came from being in a lot of physical pain, and a lifeline councellor earlier telling me to seek urgent medical care, and stop everything I'm involved in, particularly the play I was in. Mind you, I did 'just do it' and nearly passed out backstage several times, and came close to passing out on-stage once.)
"You don't have PTSD" ("family")
"You are just like your Mother" ("family")
"You are just like your Father." ("mother" about father I've never met)
"You are going to be an alcoholic when you grow up." (mother)
"You are a sympathy-suck." ("Mother", I was singing a love song with feeling, I was acting, I was being in character - in my Bedroom, my private space. lol)
"I gave birth to you, therefore I am allowed to do what I want to you." ("mother")
"I gave you life, so I can take it away, but you are not allowed to." (after suicide attempt, after mollestation, after leaving home, after being threatened at knife-point by a 'friend' to say she is "beautiful" or else...)
"I don't believe your Mother really did that to you. False memories." (various idiots)
"You are just trying to get her back, for not loving you." (Bullshit! I am trying to get away from her, and you are not helping me! F*ucknut!)
"What did I ever do to you?" (text message from "Mother", after speaking with a Priest about what happened - in very vague terms)
"Are your parents proud of you?" (Psychologist in Psych Ward. Um... they should be, but I'm not proud of them, so it would mean nothing to me anyway if they were proud. Frankinstein (aka "Mother") would be proud of me if I was a psychopathic monster like her. She asked me this after finding "Ms" number on my mobile which she had confiscated from me and calling her... My Mother is a f*cking monster, and you care to know wether she is proud of me you idiot!!!???)
"Mum has her gun licence again." (my brother)
"You should probably leave town." (the sick f*cking Bastard my mother leaves my Brother with when she doesn't leave him with my step-dad, the guy who introduced me to my X, the guy who condoned my Mothers actions in sleeping with his friend, the guy who tried to get all his friends to have "sex" with me! And he works with Kids!!! His GF was one of his students! - even she tried to "f*ck" me.)
"No, you are not in the right state of mind" (the police, I was trying to report a rape, before moving town)
"Why do you keep getting yourself into situations like this?" (Nan, I was in the Psych ward).
"Why do you keep doing things like this to yourself?" (various people, after being raped)
"Why didn't you fight?" (I did, d*ck head!)
"You want to be dying, because you want attention." (this is after me remarking that I feel like I'm dying, after being assaulted and losing a lot of blood.)
"You use PTSD as an excuse for everything." (no, it is the reason I have flashbacks, I don't know how to deal with it yet, I'm learning how to deal with it... eventually I will be able to deal with it, and then - I will be fully accountable if I stuff anything up, but it is less likely I will when I am dealig with it)
I tried explaining to my X, as a friend, because we were still friends after we broke up (most recent X) that sometimes during sex, I get triggered. Hey, it doesn't change the fact that I want to have sex with him. When I said, I never wanted this before we got together. He said it was bullshit. Seriously, before we got together I didn't want to get together. I didn't want to be in a relationship while I was starting just my life. I had feelings for him, didn't want to miss out, then I decided to jump in head first. I wish he could understand that I didn't know I had PTSD before we started seeing eachother so much. When we found out he verbally said he accepts it, but we both didn't really know what that means. I didn't know I would have flashbacks during sex, because I thought since he's so kind (usually) it won't happen. I thought since he's so lovely and caring, and I trust him so much - I wouldn't have flashbacks. Sometimes hugs trigger flashbacks. Usually they don't, but sometimes they do. Sometimes a certain kind of touch, taste, or an emotion (even a happy one) can trigger it. I get fowl mouthed when I'm in a flashback. Nothing I say during it is meant for the person I'm talking to (unless they are assaulting me at the time). Nothing! I try to find reasons later, but they're rubbish. I really didn't mean that thing I said to you - if you are reading this Cam! I love you, I just don't think it's a good idea being with someone who doesn't want to understand. I know, officially you pulled it off. But that stemmed from my questions, which were really me trying to figure out wether or not we should end it. In a way it was both our choice. It's the right choice for now. I never meant any harm. I hope you understand that my feelings havn't changed, I'm just upset that you havn't (so far) tried to understand this. And It hurts when you say I'm not the person you fell in love with, that I've changed, because I havn't. And I was never trying to decieve you. I know in hindsight I have said things that aren't true, but that's because I wasn't aware of it at the time. I forget so many things. With you going on thinking I am a liar, there can't be trust. You told me I lied to you! I remember what I got wrong. I know in hindsight what I said was a lie, but I didn't know it was a lie while I was saying it!!! Without honesty and trust no amount of love will ever be enough. But you must know in my heart and soul I do not lie to you for the purpose of gain, or for any purpose, I lie because I don't know I'm doing it, and I did trust you before you told me it is me that you don't like over the illness (after the end of the relationship). I didn't 100% trust you from the start. But by the end I did. It developed. A shame you can't see that! You are missing out on my love because you can't be bothered to understand this Disorder, which I did not ask for! I'm not angry at you. By this I am not implying that I should be angry. I am just hurt. And no, I'm not playing the victim here. We are both "victims" of this Disorder. But I am surviving it, and I am getting on with my life as best I know how, and you are just resenting me... I know it... your silence tells me so. I don't have room for any more pain. My pain bucket is full and overflowing. I am just going to focus on where I can put my love safely until someone willing to accept me as I am earns it (that could be you, but I doubt you have even looked me up on the forum at this stage... I know you have problems to tend to as well, but love isn't something to just pass off when you've got too much to do... it is something that can help you get through all that stuff, silly).
Well, that's about all from me for today.
Merry Christmas Everybody! :D
