Panic Attacks From My Mothers Calls To Redeem My Abuser

[Reds]

I will try to explain what I am going through briefly, my story is that I was sexually abused and a few years ago I decided to tell my parents about it. my mother said: if it's no longer happening then there's nothing to discuss, my father asked me why I allowed the abuser to abuse me. This was shocking to me so I left home, feeling awful. My father then came back and apologized for his reaction and offered me his support sadly he died. As for my mother the matter was never discussed again and it also caused some problems in their marriage because the abuser is close to my mother. basically my mother would choose my abuser over me any day.

with that being said. I feel like my mother is busy trying to redeem my abuser. for every good thing my abuser does my mother calls me to broadcast it. frankly, i don't care about what the man does or does not and would appreciate not being told about him.
every other day I get a call from my mother telling me something positive about my abuser, these calls are the main reason for my nightmares and panic attacks. some days I can take it but most days I just can't and being the weak person that I am, I am not able to confront my mother about this. I was having a perfect day until a moment ago when she called to tell me about him, now I feel all helpless and crippled by panic and fear.

She wants me to see him like a good person and I don't think that is possible.

How do I address this, I need it to stop:cry::inpain:

 

[Casey_03]

If telling her that these comments of hers have a devastating effect on you has not stopped her (if you have already tried that), you might have to cut her off temporarily, if only so that she can have time to think and maybe, hopefully, understand. I know it sounds drastic, but your recovery should be top priority, and it sounds like she is the main obstacle at this point. I'm sorry that you are going through this, it's truly awful to be put in the position you are in.

 

[shimmerz]

being the weak person that I am,

You aren't weak. You have a ton of conflicting stuff going on inside of you. This is what makes trauma so hard. We would like others to see this and just 'trust' that it is too much. So frustrating.

I find this line interesting....

if it's no longer happening then there's nothing to discuss,

It is still happening. Every time she talks about the a**hole it happens again....and again....and again. Funny how the perspectives are different, isn't it? Even not contacting your mother would most likely have it happen again, and again, and again. I think it might be the lesser of the two evils though.

 

[Sandstone]

I am not able to confront my mother about this.

You are, and some day you will. It doesn't have to be a big dramatic "confrontation". You can just say, the next time she calls, before she starts to talk about him "It distresses me to hear about XX, and I've decided I don't want you to mention him to me"

Then you have a sentence prepared and written out that you keep by your phone, something like "I have chosen not to listen to that. I'll be happy to talk to you about anything else" If she persists after that you just hang up. If you keep doing it every time she will hear you.

 

[Friday]

He's feeding the homeless... Doesn't make up for raping kids
He's just put a lovely new rosebush in...,Doesn't make up for raping kids
He's helped old lady Jenkins get her car out of the tree... Doesn't make up for raping kids

 

[shimmerz]

Doesn't make up for raping kids

It's all smoke and mirrors.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I agree, you ARE able to confront your mother about this and set a boundary. You are being re-traumatized and its going to lead you to a very bad place if it keeps on happening. Tell her that you no longer wish to discuss him and that is your final word. If she does it again, tell her that you expressed a wish to never speak about him again, and since she cannot abide by your wishes, that you are going to take a break from speaking to her. If you later re-connect with her and she continues this behavior, you have to decide if you want to heal or if you want to continue to have your mother walk all over your boundaries. Good luck!

 

[shrinkingviolet]

I know setting boundaries can sometimes be difficult, especially with family but you are important and need to put yourself first. I was told by a family member to get over it, as if I am not trying already. I don't believe anyone can possibly understand completely how you feel because they did not experience the trauma but they can be more empathetic and not make things worse. If she can't be supportive and respect your feelings, you have every right to take a break from communication and stand up for yourself.

 

[Reds]

Thank you for all your comments, @stenni I'm thinking about writing that sentence and practice saying it. After spending some hours in hiding I feel much better now, I just hope it won't happen again tomorrow. Right now I would actually appreciate a week of not hearing about him.
I need courage to talk to my mother about this. I'm afraid of what she might say. I still haven't recovered from her telling me that if it's no longer happening then there's nothing to discuss. My relationship with her is just complicated

 

[ghotiff]

I need courage to talk to my mother about this. I'm afraid of what she might say.

This sentence pains me. My mother chose denial over me as a child and I know bringit it up again now would just result in me being hurt further. I'm so sorry you are in a somewhat related place.

You deserve to be treated better your parents. If your mother can not respect a very simple boundary like don't mention him then cut her out of your life. In your sentence that you rehearse you could add in this consequence as eg you won't talk to her for a month. If after this, she still can't respect your boundaries then I expect there are issues with her that you can not fix and your healing has to come first. You deserve to come first, particularly in this matter.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Just a thought, but I am thinking if you wrote her a letter telling her that if he mentions your abuser again, you will hang up the phone. I mean in a I mean business writing.

I do not know how much contact you want with your mom, but obviously she does not see or hear you and she is very much hurting you on a basis that it has become threatning to your health.

You may have to cut off contact with her completely. That is what I had to do and it was so very hard because I missed my family but they were so toxic they were making me feel crazy. I wish you the best in what path you choose to put yourself first for a change.

 

[Ocean5]

I'm afraid of what she might say. I still haven't recovered from her telling me that if it's no longer happening then there's nothing to discuss.

You're not weak. I'd practice saying what you wrote..or just write it out. Then read it next time she calls. Try not to let her interrupt you - just read it. Or email it to her. I know it's hard, but think of yourself and not protecting her. You are her kid. She should be supporting you. Some parents will continue to hurt you your entire life until you put your foot down.