Starting With A New T

[mrsps]

I have an appointment with a new T on weds. At the moment I am really looking forward to this appointment as I really want to work hard on myself which I was getting no where with my last T.
I however want to tell this new T that I don't want her to be caring or kind or anything like that. I want her to be hard on me and mean so I don't feel any attachment to her. I just want her to help me without my feelings of attachment getting in the way. Im so scared of becoming attached :(

 

[GWhizz]

I totally understand. I feel my last T allowed a level of transference to continue and cause boundaries to be broken because she felt she was helping.

But at the same time, I'm not sure a T will agree to be 'mean'. Unattached maybe though.

 

[Born to Run]

I get your point. However, is the attachment not exactly what you should be working on? Isn't part of ptsd not exactly about totally f*cked up attachment? Your therapist behaving towards you like an abuser (hard and mean), will not help you in working on yourself.

 

[mrsps]

Your therapist behaving towards you like an abuser (hard and mean), will not help you in working on yourself.

Yes this is true and I know it.
It just brings back all my fears of liking a T and trusting them and then they drop you and you are left hurt and abandoned.
I just make things so hard for myself

 

[Born to Run]

Well, if you had these experiences I understand it must be really hard. That is awful and re-traumatizing. Did this happen with one therapist? Maybe you can discuss this with your new therapist?

 

[GWhizz]

I get the part of abandonment. My last T told me to contact her anytime, she encouraged it even when I told her I didn't want to develop a dependent relationship/attachment. In fact, she would text me to ask if I was doing okay before I ever started contacting her outside of therapy. In the end, she wasn't there for me like she promised and that hurt so bad. She couldn't be the mother figure I craved.

I think voicing your concerns to your new T will be really important and you can work on it from there. I will be bringing it up with mine too now that you have me thinking on it.

 

[mrsps]

She couldn't be the mother figure I craved.

I totally understand this, and this is where my problem lies. This T is an older woman like my last T so they are like a mother figure and like you I crave a mother figure who is kind and caring. But my head knows that I shouldn't get attached as they are not my mother and never will be. But that little girl inside me ..... she ruins it lol

 

[GWhizz]

This is why I'm glad my new T is only about 10-15yrs older than me. My 1st one was only a couple years older than my own mother and very easily fitted my ideal role of a mother figure.

Can I ask why you have changed T's? Is it for this issue specifically?

 

[anonymous]

I think that its about finding a healthy balance. Yes, we need to have a certain level of trust in our therapists, but at the same time, they are paid professionals and that relationship can end at any time for any reason. This is why I think it can actually be detrimental to become TOO attached. We deal with some very heavy issues, granted, but the therapists job is not to be a surrogate friend, a surrogate mother (or father). Their job is to essentially guide us in our healing.

I think that many of us have these struggles BECAUSE we have boundary issues. That is, other people who have strong boundaries wouldn't view these professional relationships in quite the same way because they know how to keep a healthy distance.

Find what works for you, but remember that its a professional working relationship at best. Anything more is simply not healthy.

 

[mrsps]

Can I ask why you have changed T's? Is it for this issue specifically?

umm kinda of a long story.
Basically I got dropped very suddenly by my old T. She was taking 5 weeks off and only told me at the end of the last session with her before she was taking the time off. This was on a fri and I had my next appointment scheduled for a fri in 5 weeks time. She said in the session when she said she would be away she could organise another T for me to see while she was away, I didn't say at the time that I wanted to see another T but after when I got home I was angry she hadn't given me any notice of her being away so I txt and said could I have the contact details of this other T. On the mon she txt to say she had a nice T that was willing to see me and could I come in for an appointment that afternoon. So I went to see her that afternoon only to be told that she feels I need to see someone on a regular basis and she cant give me that so she was passing me onto this new T.

WOW ok so no notice just passed on to someone new. You can imagine how hurt I was as we had quite a long history together. I am maybe thinking she is not well but that is not the point. I guess it is a good thing for me to be moving on to a new T as I was just going round in circles with my old T. So I knew it was for the best but it still hurt.

 

[mrsps]

but remember that its a professional working relationship at best

My head knows this my heart and that little child inside that wants to be loved and cared for is the problem, I guess this is why im in therapy! I find the therapeutic relationships one of the hardest relationship ever, its not a "normal" relationship.

 

[Friday]

I do best with rough handling. Left to my own devices I turn into a puddle of goo.

This doesn't mean that theyre unkind, mean, abusive, et al. It's a particular flavor of honesty, that I simply happen to deal best with.

It's also why I usually see men. Men can ooze sympathy and gooeyness all over a person, too, it's a personality trait / not a gender one. But men are less likely to 'Oh there, there, you poor thing..." And more likely to cut through the BS.