Thanks. I'm part of a few different forums and I've noticed that people often seem to expect something more akin to what one might find in day to day life face to face. With anonymity, all life's obligations, and our particular diagnosis.... It's never going to live up to that image. But it definitely has its own place in our overall recovery (I know this board has been especially helpful in my life) and I think people do care and want to help.
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Anyone Else Feeling Unsupported?
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Thanks. I'm part of a few different forums and I've noticed that people often seem to expect something more akin to what one might find in day to day life face to face. With anonymity, all life's obligations, and our particular diagnosis.... It's never going to live up to that image. But it definitely has its own place in our overall recovery (I know this board has been especially helpful in my life) and I think people do care and want to help.
The Albatross
VIP Member
Personally, I provide care for elder adult clients 6 days a week and that most often includes emotional support. I do have peer forum relationships and prefer to support people that I have some knowledge of... via my diary or their diaries. Also as someone else noted, if they are reasonably frequent posters. I am not a big hugging sort, can be empathetic but don't always know what to say so a lot of the time I don't participate on that kind of stuff. If I have something to share, I share it. If I don't, I won't.
Some days I am more emotionally available than others. Some days I am more up for interactions with forum members who I don't know as well as others here who give me feedback and participate with me on my diary... there is no hard and fast rule. But, basically I read a lot here but do not feel it appropriate or authentic to who I am or what my character is if I flitted around participating in threads that I find confusing, have too little (or too much), or if I can't relate to the thought processes being expressed.
Do I like to be assistive and to support others as members here have helped me? Yes I do. Do I feel I am "obligated" to participate BECAUSE I am a member of a support forum? No I don't, not always.
I have finite time, finite emotional availability, and even my clients say that I'm not necessarily the best person to talk to when they are emotional. I appreciate their candor and have other attributes that are helpful. I take that too into account with my interactions and what forums I read, what topics I choose, who I read... in addition to who I choose, or not, to respond to. I am exercising personal choice and that is something that was not allowed in my family of origin nor by my ex husband. That I am able to do that is progress for me. I too can be mentally/emotionally wanting diversion rather than making it my mission to try to help people at times when I log onto the forum. Nor do I put on a halo and put on my former codependent behaviors and think that I can help everybody. I can't so I try to give support when I can, how I can, and in the way that I can.
Some days I am more emotionally available than others. Some days I am more up for interactions with forum members who I don't know as well as others here who give me feedback and participate with me on my diary... there is no hard and fast rule. But, basically I read a lot here but do not feel it appropriate or authentic to who I am or what my character is if I flitted around participating in threads that I find confusing, have too little (or too much), or if I can't relate to the thought processes being expressed.
Do I like to be assistive and to support others as members here have helped me? Yes I do. Do I feel I am "obligated" to participate BECAUSE I am a member of a support forum? No I don't, not always.
I have finite time, finite emotional availability, and even my clients say that I'm not necessarily the best person to talk to when they are emotional. I appreciate their candor and have other attributes that are helpful. I take that too into account with my interactions and what forums I read, what topics I choose, who I read... in addition to who I choose, or not, to respond to. I am exercising personal choice and that is something that was not allowed in my family of origin nor by my ex husband. That I am able to do that is progress for me. I too can be mentally/emotionally wanting diversion rather than making it my mission to try to help people at times when I log onto the forum. Nor do I put on a halo and put on my former codependent behaviors and think that I can help everybody. I can't so I try to give support when I can, how I can, and in the way that I can.
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This is nice way to look at our community. Thanks Shimmerz. May your post help people from getting rid of comparison mindset because we all know when you are in personality contest, you are bound to compare yourself with others and then that will lead to either win or lose for no reason. :)
I find too that sometimes there is just no one who can provide that safe support. I know with me I have MAJOR avoidance issues so I tend to fall off the map for awhile. This in turns makes me feel guilty because I'm neglecting those around me, the very people who are experiencing the same h*ll I'm going through. I'm very sorry for the feelings of unsupportness. I wish I had it in me to be on everyday for everyone on here.
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anthony
Founder
It is very difficult for anyone to be here 24/7 for others... trust me, I've done it earlier in this communities history, and it burnt me out.
One of the key lessons I have learned in this PTSD journey is that having expectations of others is a key component to mental un-wellness. Best to have expectations (reasonable) of ourselves. If we can't have reasonable expectations of ourselves (and apply them and follow through), then it is for damned sure that our expectations of others is way off kilter. Just something to think about....
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- #43
Okay everyone, I am the original poster. I'm glad my post was able to spark such a lengthy and thought-provoking conversation. As stated in the original post, everyone is entitled to their own experience, thoughts, and opinions; I agree with some and disagree with others.
There are two comments I would like to specifically address. One of the first comments made by @FridayJones - yes, your interpretation of what I was looking for is completely accurate. One of the suggestions from another member was to make the title a question, and I can see from the responses to this thread how well it works. However, I do not feel that rewriting my original thread would be beneficial because it will be so far down in the forum that responses are still unlikely. Again, this is only my opinion.
@anthony - Regarding your comment about negative thinking styles, I see your point. However, negative thinking styles are common among those with PTSD, as I'm sure you know. All I will say is that I am continuously working on the issues I raised in my previous post in therapy on a weekly basis. Additionally, while I may not post my own threads for discussion very often, I do comment on other people's posts when I can relate or have something to contribute. I don't think I would be considered an active number if I didn't engage regularly. Thus, I do not completely agree with your challenging of my negative thinking style.
I have also recognized the good that has come out of this post, even though the conversation went in an unexpected direction and one that I was not prepared for. Posting and reading the replies has allowed me to come to a decision that I have been contemplating for some time now, and I have realized that I need to follow my gut. The responses have affirmed my thought process, allowing me to be at peace with my decision. If nothing else, I would like to thank everyone for giving me thought-provoking information…
There are two comments I would like to specifically address. One of the first comments made by @FridayJones - yes, your interpretation of what I was looking for is completely accurate. One of the suggestions from another member was to make the title a question, and I can see from the responses to this thread how well it works. However, I do not feel that rewriting my original thread would be beneficial because it will be so far down in the forum that responses are still unlikely. Again, this is only my opinion.
@anthony - Regarding your comment about negative thinking styles, I see your point. However, negative thinking styles are common among those with PTSD, as I'm sure you know. All I will say is that I am continuously working on the issues I raised in my previous post in therapy on a weekly basis. Additionally, while I may not post my own threads for discussion very often, I do comment on other people's posts when I can relate or have something to contribute. I don't think I would be considered an active number if I didn't engage regularly. Thus, I do not completely agree with your challenging of my negative thinking style.
I have also recognized the good that has come out of this post, even though the conversation went in an unexpected direction and one that I was not prepared for. Posting and reading the replies has allowed me to come to a decision that I have been contemplating for some time now, and I have realized that I need to follow my gut. The responses have affirmed my thought process, allowing me to be at peace with my decision. If nothing else, I would like to thank everyone for giving me thought-provoking information…
scout86
VIP Member
That's actually one of the things I value the most about this place. I can think of the things I can think of just fine, all by myself. Here, I get all kinds of interesting ideas and different perspectives and insights, and that's something I find extremely valuable.
So, OP, what direction did you think this would go? (Just curious, I have no idea what the answer might be.) What types of responses DO you find supportive? And I ask that because I tend to be a pragmatist and am finding out that that approach isn't universally found to be helpful.
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- #45
Written from the OP:
@scout86, thank you for that very interesting perspective; I never thought of it that way. Unfortunately, the decision I'm referring to is one that I was hoping I wouldn't have to make. Without being specific, it is regarding my activity on the site. I am not pointing to one specific person, but based on the majority of responses, I don't feel like I can be honest here.
As far as the direction of my previous post, and subsequent replies, I guess I was hoping for a little more validation and encouragement. Some may not agree with me; however, I do see that I could've been a little more clear with what I was looking for. Case in point: instead of the title reading "feeling safe in the office", I should've titled it "what makes you feel safe to express emotions/cry in therapy?" Hindsight is 20/20, and like I said above, my feelings are just that, and although others are entitled to their own opinions and interpretations of what I share, I will never apologize for the way I feel; maybe my reaction but not how I feel. The fact is, my emotions belong to me, and only I can control my response, which in essence, is my where my decision lies.
Thank you for allowing me to see what I could've done differently; another good thing about life is that there is always a chance to do better next time...
@scout86, thank you for that very interesting perspective; I never thought of it that way. Unfortunately, the decision I'm referring to is one that I was hoping I wouldn't have to make. Without being specific, it is regarding my activity on the site. I am not pointing to one specific person, but based on the majority of responses, I don't feel like I can be honest here.
As far as the direction of my previous post, and subsequent replies, I guess I was hoping for a little more validation and encouragement. Some may not agree with me; however, I do see that I could've been a little more clear with what I was looking for. Case in point: instead of the title reading "feeling safe in the office", I should've titled it "what makes you feel safe to express emotions/cry in therapy?" Hindsight is 20/20, and like I said above, my feelings are just that, and although others are entitled to their own opinions and interpretations of what I share, I will never apologize for the way I feel; maybe my reaction but not how I feel. The fact is, my emotions belong to me, and only I can control my response, which in essence, is my where my decision lies.
Thank you for allowing me to see what I could've done differently; another good thing about life is that there is always a chance to do better next time...
Wastinglight
Platinum Member
Yes, I agree! I remember the first couple of times that someone said something a bit out of left field, that challenged my beliefs, I was shocked and even upset by it. But I have come to value all perspectives that are offered to me when I post here. Especially the ones that disagree with my POV - it provides a good reality check, and an opportunity for personal growth even.
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The Albatross
VIP Member
I dunno, I guess I use members trauma diary forums for support more than the other forums. I think my base mindset is a lot like the opening post where she says, "I know everyone's situation is different" but I just leave it at that.
Also, forum support is good but I do no rely on it solely for my support. I have a by phone support system with peers who have PTSD, and I also have in place my emergency support plan to use in real day today life and situations. I learned, very early in recovery not to rely too heavily on any one thing or person or group. I keep the various support systems up to date and consider it important to do so as part of my maintenance.
Also, forum support is good but I do no rely on it solely for my support. I have a by phone support system with peers who have PTSD, and I also have in place my emergency support plan to use in real day today life and situations. I learned, very early in recovery not to rely too heavily on any one thing or person or group. I keep the various support systems up to date and consider it important to do so as part of my maintenance.
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The Albatross
VIP Member
Hmmm. I personally found it easier to be honest in anonymous forums... so much so that it took online people more than 6 months of suggestions, guidance and support to get me into recovery meetings. I didn't get a whole lot of validation because there was quite a lot wrong with my thought processes and behaviors but I kept participating and reading, and eventually I got to some face to face groups. Then the challenge was being able to sit in a group, listen with the hypervigilence pinging as I picked up on every nuance of their vocal tone, communication word choices, and body/facial mannerisms. It was the repetition of exposures to anonymous peer people online, then people in an anonymous recovery group that helped me crack the ice on the thinking and behavior issues as well as therapy that pointed me back to improvement. It was not all agreement, validation, hearts and flowers... but I learned to listen with an open mind, with the understanding that they were (most all) well intentioned peers. That was a turning point and things started to improve and have continued to improve.
The people who had the ability or qualities I wanted or were living successfully were who I paid attention to. The others I would assist as/when I was able, but my priority was and always has been my own recovery and maintenance. If I am not practicing maintenance I am of no good use to anyone else anyways.
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