Do You As Sufferer Remember Things You Said When You're Symptomatic And Withdrawing?

[Tejev]

Just wondering what it's like when you're stressed and triggered? When you say things during those times do you remember them later? Especially when you say hurtful things? If so, does that make it even worse for you?

 

[Nakojec]

Let me see if I can describe this in a good way. When I'm stressed and triggered it's like in one ear somebody is telling me about the situation that it reminds me of while somebody is tapping me on the shoulder repeadidly and my to do list keeps repeating itself along with the situation over and over and over. I don't really remember much when I'm in that state but I usually remember the emotions of being overwhelmed, stressed, and triggered. When I'm in that state I usually try not to do or say much and just focus on trying to get myself out of that state. I have been very short tempered which I do remember and feel bad for and usually go back and apologize. Apologizing is really tough because I don't want to use my ptsd as an excuse for being short tempered because in my personal opinion it shouldn't be an excuse because I feel as though I should still have the choice to act on it or not even though I feel as though I react without even realizing what I'm doing until after the fact. And being very short tempered makes me feel worse which tends to feed the ptsd so when I notice myself getting stressed I do my best to stop, slow down, think, and then act. Also I write down what is going on and break it down into chunks so it's not one big massive glob of stress in my head.

 

[Sosof]

Stressed & Triggered? I don't even remember if I've peed recently. Conversations? No. I remember they took place. I can remember the general feel for them. I may remember some details or some broad strokes, if I'm reminded. There may be a point that shines out, or a section. But none of my memories log very well. Something has to be pretty extraordinary to stand out.

Just stressed? It depends. Sometimes everything is in high clarity, sometimes everything is in a complete fog.

 

[Sihocu]

Especially when you say hurtful things?

I have said some very hurtful things. After the event I can usually work out why I reacted as I did, and have even learned to apologise and try to explain to my better half. I used to feel dreadfully guilty for days, but I have found it easier to 'blame it on the PTSD' and then we can both move on. I think it has helped us both not to take it personally.

I am not suggesting that we should all act evil and make excuses for that. Just that now I understand the mechanism in my own head I am able to see these events as blips and keep moving forwards.

 

[Upe]

Sometimes my sufferer remembers and sometimes (if he dissociates) he really doesn't remember what he said or did.
When my sufferer is triggered he tends to get on the angry side. He's never hit me or gotten violent, but sometimes he will say some mean things. He realized when he starts saying mean things to him it kind of triggers him more because he hears his abusers in his head. So he doesn't intentionally say these things to hurt me, but it's more his abusers coming out. He apologizes later and we talk about what triggered him or what was going on and I have in the past removed myself from the situation so that he doesn't continually trigger himself from things he says to me. I just try to let it go in one ear and out the other, but sometimes its hard and sometimes it hurts, but I just remember it's the PTSD taking hold, not my loved one.

Over time he's also learned how this can trigger him further and if he finds he's getting angry he'll remove himself from the situation and go find a quiet place in the house to calm down for a couple of hours.

I think what has helped me most though as I said above is realizing it's the PTSD flaring up (it's not me, it's him and not taking things personally as best I can) and understanding my sufferer's history and how he feels. Trying to put myself in his shoes.

 

[Ugojuk]

When I'm truly disociated not likely. When I'm stressed or triggered I am still a bit present so I will usually remember and feel really bad about it. I don't think I've ever said anything truly mean and hurtful but I know I have snapped a lot or yelled. Its never personal its just all the negative emotions overwhelming me and my inability to handle them. Its best to just be away from people in that state.

 

[Fala]

Something, too... Reading through supporter threads... Is that the vast majority of hurtful things I've said? I have no idea they are hurtful. Things like "if we're all still around this spring" is just a natural thing for me to say/think. People die, most basically, but life also throws people for major loops (moving, marriage, kids, family emergencies, hospitalizations, called up for active duty from reserve duty, divorce, breaking up... I could list a hundred things on why someone could be dead or gone in half a year's time). If something is months off? It's just plain sense to caveat that. I don't think that anyone else wouldn't naturally assume that there is going to be some attrition in 6mo.

But even the idea that we could be broken up, dead, etc... Throws some (many?) supporters for a loop of their own. I have been so flat out confused why a simple statement of fact has sent some of my boyfriends into the "We need to talk" speech, or the "Are you breaking up with me?", or some variation of OMG!!! How could you say such a horrible thing??? (Wait. What?) until, really, learning here that most people don't just assume life throws curveballs. That some things are Voldemort and must never be acknowledged out loud, or it's seen as what I want to happen. No. I'd rather not be dead. But it's possible. What? What's up with the tears? FFS. What did I say??? No I did not say -OMFG. I didn't. I did not say that! ... And the whole conversation spins madly out of control and my head is spinning so badly by the end that I really have no clue whatsoever what just happened. Somehow, everything was going fine, and now there's a fight.

It's been a real education, reading on here, the sheer volume of things that are considered hurtful that I've always thought are just sense.