Relationship Privacy Vs Secrecy

[Wastinglight]

Seeking opinions and other people’s experiences on this one.

I struggle a bit with the issue of privacy in my relationship with my (PTSD) guy. I myself am not a very private person. I have told him that I’m not very private, and I’m not fussed about him seeing my email, social media and text messages. The only thing I would prefer he doesn’t read is my personal journal. It’s hard even for me to read sometimes, some of the stuff I write about is pretty raw. I have big trust issues, so it's been difficult for me not to read too much into behaviour that is probably pretty innocent.

Since we had the talk about me finding an old dating profile on the weekend, he has suddenly started shutting his computer down when he leaves the room for any lengthy period of time (such as, to have a shower, or if he goes to bed early). After a couple of days, I called him on it and asked to discuss the matter with him. He told me that he had felt violated when I went looking for dating profiles of him. He felt like he couldn’t talk to anyone without me having to know about it. He felt like he was being dragged over the coals for a profile that was 8 years old.

I apologised for what I’d done. I admitted he had a right to his privacy. We talked it through and he seemed happy that it was resolved.

He has continued to shut his computer down when he goes to bed before me (which is every night). I can’t help but feel upset about this. It seems like he doesn’t trust me now (even though I never snooped on his computer). I’m also confused, because we both agreed in the past that if the other person breaks our trust, then that would be the end of the relationship. He reiterated that the other night. I even packed up all my stuff the next morning, expecting him to ask for some space for a while. But he didn’t. He said he's happy to keep working on it, and has been very loving and affectionate.

Do I have a right to feel weird about his behaviour around his PC? I read an article yesterday that talked about the difference between privacy and secrecy, which gave the following definitions:

Privacy is defined as the state or condition of being free from being observed or disturbed by other people. It is the state of being free from public exposure and attention.

Privacy becomes secrecy when there is conscious motivation to keep something unknown, hidden or unseen from one’s partner—something that directly impacts that person and the bond shared.

The author also makes this point:

Sometimes there is no betrayal in the relationship, but a partner’s insistence to know all, see all, and hear all is so intrusive and unwarranted that it triggers angry withholding and secrecy in the other. It is an assault of privacy and an insult to fidelity. Driven by his/her history, self-esteem difficulties etc., the intrusive partner has created the very secrecy they fear.

I think that maybe I have created the above situation through my actions. I feel now like I don’t really have the right to say anything further about it. After all, he was never secretive with his computer until I brought this issue up again. I am hoping that things will settle down and go back to normal after a few weeks, but I would be keen to hear other’s take on this. I accept that I have done the wrong thing here, so it doesn’t really help me for anyone to reiterate that.

 

[KwanYingirl]

You were snooping into his computer. If anyone did that to me, I would shut it down, too. I have nothing to hide, I lead a boring life but if someone intruded into my computer, I would definitely feel violated. JMHO.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Again, these are *your* issues and you want to make it a *couple* issue. I really don't think that's right.

I see this post as an attempt for you to garner support for your snooping activity not so long ago. His RE-action is perfectly reasonable. You are the one with trust issues and as such you think you have a right to dig into anything and everything of his. (Where are your boundaries? I'd say start working on that!)

If someone was holding something against me from a decade ago, you better believe I'd buckle down and start hiding EVERYTHING. Yep, this is what its like to live with my mother. I had nothing to hide, but at the same time I had a right to privacy (which I was never afforded growing up).

I see you as someone who doesn't trust, so you feel like you have a right to dig into every aspect of your partner's life. His reaction is perfectly reasonable given the circumstances, yet you are trying to manipulate everything to make it seem like HE is the one with the trust issues. Uhm, you should stop right there. No pawning this issue off on him. As I see it, *you* are the one who broke trust, not him. Everybody deserves privacy. Your inability to trust is going to destroy your relationship.

So what are *you* going to do to work on this trust issue? No pulling him into it....it really is all on you. (Very much in the same way that sufferers are taught to fix issues within themselves, I honestly do think that you have to find it within you to trust.) All the reassurance in the world isn't going to make you trust him. He could be a completely open book and that will never be enough for you. The power for a better relationship really does lie within you.

 

[holdenmonty]

It is a tough one, I can see how you feel hurt by him shutting down his computer but also I can see where he is coming from. If you snooped and found a profile that is 8 years old then what keeps you from snooping around on his computer. For all he knows he could have something on there that is 8 years old that is someplace that he doesn't even remember but you could jump to the conclusion that it's something recent and want to have a discussion about it. I don't have anything that my wife doesn't have access to but that's because she is my wife. If we were dating then there would be certain things that I wouldn't want her snooping through just for the fact of her snooping.

 

[garden]

First I want to say that I think it's very big of you to take responsibility for your actions. It sounds like he's also glad that you are capable of doing that too...it builds trust.

He said he's happy to keep working on it, and has been very loving and affectionate.

It sounds like you have a pretty good understanding of why he's still a little weird about his computer, but it still bothers you, which is also understandable. I would hold on to the fact that he's still very loving, which means he's still choosing to trust you and go forward. I know that if a boundary is crossed I tighten up my ship immediately, it's just like a reflex. Even if everything has been resolved I might still engage in self protecting behaviors even though the 'danger' is over. It's a form of being hypervigilant I think, which is a symptom of PTSD. He may be doing that as well. Just a thought...

 

[Wastinglight]

You were snooping into his computer.

No, I did not snoop on his computer. A few weeks ago, after my anxiety was triggered while discussing online dating profiles, I searched for and found an old dating profile of his, from when he lived in another city. It was on a public website and I googled it. I brought it up with him with the intent of checking that we both considered using online dating sites to be cheating. I did not accuse him of anything, as it was clearly an old profile. But now it seems that he did feel like I accused him of playing up. Which I didn't.

 

[Sighs]

I agree with @holdenmonty. I'm guessing he just wants to avoid another "issue" popping up. For instance - what if a mate of his sends him an email with a link to a pretty unsavory porn site. His mate may have done it as a joke. Your man may not even care for porn of that variety or at all. But now he thinks that you would want to have a discussion about his taste in porn or his choice of friend or how you once had a boyfriend who was addicted to porn and how now you're worried he is addicted to porn too and that is a big problem for you.

I'm a woman but in my experience men HATE those kind of conversations. Even the ones where there actually are issues and they actually do need to be talked through. He's thinking its easier to shut down his computer and avoid the whole problem to start with.

I think you have to just accept this behaviour from him. It is an understandable reaction to YOUR behaviour. Its great that the two of you are prepared to continue to work on things.

We all have baggage and issues - you're only human! Hugs if you accept them.

 

[Wastinglight]

I see this post as an attempt for you to garner support for your snooping activity not so long ago.

Absolutely not. I am just trying to get things straight in my head, and because I have grown up with no personal boundaries, I am not very good at deciding where my boundaries should start and end. I was seeking advice on that front.

If someone was holding something against me from a decade ago

Um, no. I was very careful not to accuse him of anything with regards that old dating profile. However, he became a bit defensive when I brought it up, even though I went to great pains to make it clear that I had raised it in order to make sure we were on the same page.

as such you think you have a right to dig into anything and everything of his.

Again, no I don't. He has his computer set up in front of one of the couches. When I asked him to set up a reading lamp for me so I could read my book while he was watching TV, he set up the lamp next to the couch which is in front of the computer. I have always felt awkward about this, because it's hard not to accidentally glance at his computer screen sometimes, because it's sitting right in front of me. Case in point, I often half-close the screen when I'm sitting on that couch, so I can't see what's on the screen, in order to preserve his privacy. I raised this issue the other night and I said I felt awkward about sitting on that couch. He said he was going to move his computer to another table in order to alleviate this awkwardness, but he has not done so. I'm now feeling a bit like I'm being set up to fail because of this arrangement. Sometimes he does leave the room for a bit and leaves his computer open, and I feel like I have to go and sit in another room because I feel so awkward about it now.

I absolutely admit that I have caused this problem, but now it feels like the issue is getting bigger. I no longer feel comfortable in his house, after he told me he feels like he has no space. I don't believe this is entirely my fault.

And I do feel like I need to get things straight in my mind, because he has been talking about the possibility of me moving in soon. I'm feeling a bit scared about this now, because I don't feel comfortable in his house, especially if he's saying he feels like he has no space. I do my best to try not to make him feel like that. I feel like this issue has gone beyond my stupid mistake with the dating profile. If I am going to move in with him, we really need to make our boundaries clear.

 

[anthony]

He's either being childish or he has things to hide... and I agree, there should be no important secrets in a relationship. Sure... we all have secrets, but if that secret is past work related or such, non-affecting your spouse, no worries. But if it isn't important to keep from your spouse, then there should be no issue sharing it / being open about it, regardless when it comes up within the relationship.

We all have pasts... it shouldn't be a major issue in a relationship.

 

[Wastinglight]

Thank you so much @Lewa and @Sighs. I suspect you are right and I was thinking along those lines but I wanted to double-check my thinking. One of the unfortunate side-effects of both my anxiety and the many bad decisions I have made in the past, is that I no longer trust my own judgement sometimes. It's good to have this forum to come to and see what others think.

 

[Friday]

Yep. These are the effects, at least some of them, of what you did.

Do you have to accept them? Nope. You can walk, throw a fit, talk about it, leave it alone (my recommendation)... But this is his reaction to your crossing a line with him.

Rebuilding trust sucks from the other end of it. Esp. for people with trust issues, where they always mistrust more than their partner? That hollow bellied, uncomfortable, disconcerted feeling of not being trusted? Of having done something wrong? Can be crushing. It goes away, in time, as trust naturally rebuilds. It tends to blow up, however, when the issue is forced. As you know from the other side of the fence when someone pushes for something you aren't ready to give.

 

[Wastinglight]

He's either being childish or he has things to hide...

Thanks @anthony. I guess time will tell. He was a bachelor for a very long time before he met me, and has not had much experience in relationships, from what he's told me. It's possible I've spooked him a bit. It might be knee-jerk reaction, and he might get over in another week or so. I will admit that I have jumped to some rather outlandish conclusions about his behaviour a few times in the past, so maybe he doesn't trust my judgement, and doesn't want to be 'raked over the coals' again. Or he could be hiding something, but that could be anything. I often worry that he might find my posts on this forum and get upset that I've discussed our issues in such detail. I have told him that I visit forums (including PTSD ones), so I'm not actually hiding it from him, but for all I know, he could be horrified at some of the details I've divulged.