Afraid Of Not Being Able To Protect The Family Without Ptsd

[Deleted member 28812]

My husband knows I do write here. He does not feel comfortable with joining yet but asked me to ask a question on his behalf.
Did you ever feel afraid of not being able to protect your family if you loose your symptoms?

An example: Yesterday I fed the baby, the spoon fell on the floor. I asked my husband to bring a new one. He noticed the drawer was a bit dirty, so he cleaned the spoon... and cleaned it again and again and again.

So he wants to get rid of that symptom but he feels like he needs it to protect his family.
So on the one hands he loves that symptom but on the other hand he hates it.

Problem: So my husband is afraid of being cured. I suggested to ask the question here and he thought that it would be a good idea, says "hi" and will be happy for your answers - but says "Please bear with me", he is feeling scatterbrained.

 

[shimmerz]

needs it to protect his family.

PTSD is really about conflicting thoughts imho. Welcome, btw! lol. Yes, we put up these behaviours that seem like protection. The problem is that they are protection of the behaviours, so we don't need to deal with the real problem (PTSD). It is all smoke and mirrors. Has he ever gotten help for OCD? Is he in therapy for his PTSD?

 

[Chava]

I know it can feel like being hypervigilant is always necessary to prevent something bad. But these kinds of behaviors (washing a spoon a few times) actually just slow people down when it really matters. I understand this can stem from PTSD, but it also sounds OCD to me and I'd wonder if he's ever been treated or is interested in treatment of any of it. I sort of hear he might hesitate because he believes his PTSD and other behaviors are doing something good for him. Even with a challenging pscyh disorder, people will not want to change if they feel like their illness or maladaptive patterns are doing something for them. Does he see his PTSD as having any negative effect on himself or the family? Does he know how he contributes to and protects the family aside from these behaviors?

 

[Deleted member 28812]

His trauma is of military nature. That means his need for perfection is related to his trauma. He did some exposure but now is afraid of doing more. He is afraid of becoming irresponsible. He told me to ask you how he can prevent this from happening because he would rather feel stressed out to the max for the rest of his life than be to easy going.

 

[scout86]

I've talked about this very thing with my therapist. (A lot, actually.)

To begin with, he keeps telling me that there are a lot of parts to out brains that function to keep us safe. Some of them we are consciously aware of, some are more or less automatic. There are times when, if you stop to "think" you're dead. You're much better off if you just trust those unconscious parts to do their job. He also says there are times when you need to DEMAND that those parts do their jobs. The thing that he says is important, and that can be a problem, is that we need to be able to turn this stuff on and OFF. PTSD tends to lead to problems with the "off switch". THAT is the "symptom", Your husband can be free to wash spoons to his heart's content, the thing is, it's better if he's doing it because he WANTS to, as opposed to feeling COMPELLED to. It's "situational awareness" if it's useful. It's "hypervigilance" if it gets in your way.

 

[Chava]

"Easy going" isn't likely. A few years of therapy has not made me somehow sloppy and careless. It's helped me not overreact to extreme degrees many times, but recovery doesn't mean slowing down in some way you can't control or having your personality altered. If he's a perfectionist, he can work on healing and still care a lot about doing things well.

 

[Chava]

Your husband can be free to wash spoons to his heart's content, the thing is, it's better if he's doing it because he WANTS to, as opposed to feeling COMPELLED to.

yes!

 

[Deleted member 28812]

My husband says "Thank you". He says his heart says that his loved ones are in danger nearly 24/7 but his head knows that this is not true. He lost the abiility to tell a real danger from a harmless situation.
He wants to know how you cope.

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

Hi there -

For me the way I got my head and my heart to start being on the same page was through meditation.

It can be scary to let you of what you feel is beneficial and protecting - but through meditation and learning to understand the relationship between my thoughts and feelings - by starting to be okey again inside my own skin, I was able to get my own innate sense of wisdom back so that I can tell more often than not the appropriate action for any given situation.

It takes time but is definitely doable -

I wish you and your husband much peace - and healing

 

[sun seeker]

I have patterns something like what you describe in your husband. This is just me, but they are about desperately trying to keep my life under control so I won't have to feel what is really under the frantic busy-ness. I don't really feel I need the symptom to stay safe, no, at least not when I'm not in the thick of it. It's more that I need the symptom to keep from feeling what's underneath it.

 

[sun seeker]

I should have mentioned that the core fear underneath it all, for me, is that someone will be hurt if I'm not vigilant all the time. I seem to be missing the sense of how to tell the difference between situations where this is likely and when it isn't. Is it something similar for him?

 

[Friday]

I was 10 years almost symptom free. During that time I had to engage in combat driving twice, physical violence 5 or 6 times a year, and I flat out put my hypervig to work for me.

It was very much the difference between listening to my instincts, versus being a slave to them.

The parts you like? You get to keep.