Always And Forever The Big 2-legged Dog

[Escape Goat]

For as long as I could remember, whenever we went on our long trips to visit distant relatives, I was always and forever shunted conveniently to a mat in the living room, rec room, basement, or laundry room, being the eldest, physically largest, and the scapegoat / lost child.

My siblings always and consistently got beds and private rooms for the stay. Because I was always in open view, I had to go to bed with all the grown-ups still partying and get up as activity returned to the household in the morning. There was never any privacy, let alone getting to sleep in. I had to get up and clear the sofa or floor.

In the warmer months I always and consistently slept in a little tent in the rain.

This trend continued into my married life when we now all had children of our own. My parents would expect all to attend, and as usual, me, my wife, and our new baby were now the three 2-legged dogs conveniently shunted off to mats in the big wide open rec room. What didn’t help either was our baby was extremely colicky and sickly.

It was my wife at the time who noticed the strange repetitive pattern and said something to me about it. I didn’t really know how to deal with it, other than explain that “it had always, always been that way with my family, that I had always and consistently been the one to sleep in the open or out in the rain”.

My wife could not get used to the lack of privacy with the expectation to attend. I knew that trying to negotiate this with Mom would only trigger another marathon diatribe about “how dare she judge me for how I set up my guests”. OTOH my sibling always had their private rooms.

In Northern Ontario there are only 2 seasons: a long and brutal winter, and a cold and soggy spring-fall hybrid.

I had my last straw with the trend at my GC sister’s camp. Again I was expected to sleep on an extremely uncomfortable couch. The previous year, my nieces and nephews had scattered all my personal effects all over the place, many of which I never recovered. Again with all the nieces and nephews on the scene, all beds were taken and again, there was nowhere for me to sleep.

This time I found a 2-man tent and a sleeping bag, and set up by the water’s edge. The lapping waves would have been soothing but as always, the rain being the most reliable thing in our part of the world. It rained heavily and steadily all night, the tent leaked like a sieve, and I woke up all awash like a turd in a toilet bowl. I had enough. I cut my stay short, packed up all my soggy dripping baggage, and hitch-hiked back home in the rain.

I am Asperger-autistic, get complex partial seizures, and could never hold a job because of it. That’s why I’ve always had the lowest living standard in all of my family.

When I got home, this time I was adamant. I sent each family member a collective e-mail:
“If you expect me to ever attend another of our reunions, you will have to consider me a lot more sensibly than that for sleeping arrangements. My days of being the big 2-legged dog that has to improvise for sleeping arrangements are over. I am not sleeping on sofas, living room floors, or out in the rain anymore and that being said, I refuse to attend any more reunions in these conditions.”

My counselor’s words when I told him about it? “They all just took you for granted.”

I laugh sometimes about the outcome. Now Mom arranges a rental room at her expense for my sleeping comfort in our family reunions, although I would prefer to pay for it myself if I could.

 

[joeylittle]

@Escape Goat, are you familiar with our Trauma Diary sub-forums? There are two - one for members that is private (meaning search engines don't pick it up), and the other is open, the way the bulk of the forum is. Reading some of your posts, it strikes me that you might want to start a diary. In threads, it's generally good to have a question, or be looking to start a discussion, or evoke response in some way. In the Diaries, people also read and respond, but it it considered a place to just put your story, your thoughts, things that you just want to get out.

Here are some links:
[DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/forums/trauma-diaries-members.14/"]Trauma Diaries (members)[/DLMURL]
Trauma Diaries

You're new, so I wanted to let you know about that option.

In regards to your story - this:

My days of being the big 2-legged dog that has to improvise for sleeping arrangements are over.

is a great moment of standing up for yourself, and also an amazing analogy. Good job for pushing back.

 

[Powder]

My sister was treated a bit like this after she got divorced. It was like she was somehow "sub human" also. Being made to feel like the "black sheep" or family dog of the group is being treated as "less" than everyone else, and is not acceptable behavior.

Even though the bed situation was finally corrected, I feel that any group that would do this is not a very good one. Your siblings may be just going along with the arrangement. I can't tell if they stood up for you, or if they think you're fine with it. I'm not sure if you have asked them.

From all your posts, it sounds like you don't fit in well to your family for many reasons and they have never forgiven you for that. The more you felt you didn't belong, the more angry you got, and swore at them. The more they resented this.

Relationships take so much work to maintain. Even one large misstep can end a relationship. Holding onto essentially defunct relationships has a deadening effect on people. Growing and handling carefully a new relationship, taking it very slow, and only doing what's helpful and healthy, is a life's work after growing up in a home of dysfunctional behaviors, attitudes, and relationship modeling.

I suggest working through letting go and forgiveness of your old family, and working on your new family with all you've got in you. Do your best to be a good father and work through the pain of the past hurts, which are real. They really hurt you, and you are in a position to be smart and strong enough to let go and move forward, making choices that are best for your child.

 

[Escape Goat]

Muse,

Yes, I was the weirdo in the family. I was different and I knew it, and I had no control of what it was. It was not on the medical radar at the time. It has since been diagnosed as Asperger's syndrome much, much later in life and in my case it comes with partial complex seizures. That explained almost everything right there. Until then, I had been a thorn in everybody's side even in my extended family.

I was always brutally honest in verbally interpreting the picture, including the unbridled unfairness, and yes it was like dousing a fire with gasoline. My parents refused to get their heads out from under the sand. I could never figure out whatever their collective agenda was and what they were all hiding. I was the family island and they a 5-piece mainland all under one roof. I'm sure you can see how acrimonious that relationship was.

I lived with all that shame at home, degradation and humiliation every minute of every day in high school, and ostracized by the entire population of the town.

I coped with that freak show by absenting myself as much as possible from there. All that bush country around the little town was my salvation.

I was no angel. My antics in dealing with the unfairness was in my refusal to be a victim and I did some very ugly things with no regards to the outcome. I knew it didn't matter. I was the scapegoat / lost child and nothing more than stress relief for the parents and entertainment for the 3 other children. Meanwhile my GC sister's family crimes -and they were just as despicable if not more- always went "unnoticed". And I was NOT up to letting Mom grant the second brother in line to be the auxiliary parent / stand-in Dad dictating me how to live and and not live my life.

All I can remember is everything being so complicated and the world to be a hostile and intimidating. Nothing in my family life added up and it seemed I was the only one who could see it.
I knew it wasn't just me. Through the various chapters of my life my friends had noticed, my wife had noticed, my daughter noticed it too in my now adult siblings, and my counselor helped me put it all together. Only recently and so late in my life has the true picture come into focus.

I am proud of the way my daughter turned out. In raising her I made a point of deducting all that I knew to be inappropriate and unacceptable in what I got in my upbringing. I raised her on the cold hard truth in everything about life, and not on the double standards and sugar coated lies that I got. I am proud to say she has grown up free of the kinds of flaws I knew in my siblings. She has a lot going for her and she is also an exceptionally talented and promising artist and is dating a fine and beautiful young man who is everything that I stand for.

About the bed situation, no they never stood up for me. It was only a couple of years ago that I wigged out on them like that. Until I stood up to them, they all thought it was okay that I "didn't have any need" for a decent place to sleep.