Nobody Seems Real, Don't Trust Anyone

[Deleted member 1860]

Keep pushing through. That's what gets me through. Being as normal as possible so I can convince my brain I'm safe so it will release me from the derealization prison.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

Okay, wanting to die is a cry for help and you need to go to where you can get help even if it means sucking it up to strangers. Doctors and nurses will help you get through whatever you need and therapy can be quite the misnomer. It took me four times to find the right therapist who deals with ptsd....

Chava, there is love out there for you if you reach out.

 

[Chava]

Never said I want to die. Just that I'm dying. It will just take a while. We all go there. I did wonder about just "forgetting" to turn off the car after I closed the garage. But, I'm basically willing to do the minimally right thing.

I felt really hopeful with last therapy and mostly trusted my therapist. I've been hospitalized many times and never felt good about any of the support I had...always felt more ashamed and embarrassed and like the world was unreal. But my company changed insurance companies and my therapist has wanted to take care of trying to help keep some continuance since now she's not in my network. But it's been ambiguous and I don't trust her anymore and also I just can't afford it all being up in the air. Like how do I feel safe delving into some trauma stuff when I might have to just end in two more sessions? The insurance news is different every week and I don't feel like I'm getting any help knowing how to deal with this, make a "plan" or feel like there is still any shred of stability, so why go to therapy and work on stuff like trauma? I need some basic sense that it can work out or that there is some kind of plan either way. My therapist seems okay with it being very gray and up in the air.

I feel like I've been abnormally patient for myself but finally lost it yesterday and felt like my therapist didn't really understand the level of stress this is creating, even when I try to explain it. So I feel really WORSE for having almost trusted someone because I did therapy for a few years, some protective layer of myself was trying to peal off and all this shit that I tried to share with someone and

I FEEL REALLY STUPID ABOUT ALL OF IT. LIKE THE WORLD JUST PLAYED ANOTHER BAD TRICK ON ME. I would kill myself except I have a couple reasons left why that's a horrible idea and would make me an infinitely worse person than I already am. But my health isn't great lately, I feel like I'm crumbling and at this point I would rather crumble than ask for help ever again. BECAUSE I FEEL WORSE THAN BEFORE I ASKED FOR HELP.

The worst part might be that I am more aware but don't feel like I have any good internal tools for dealing right now....meaning, over-achieving used to work for me but with more awareness I know that was just a sort of front for my inability to feel connected with anyone. So I have no working tools at the moment but trying to go back to old tools like drinking or over-achieving feels stupid and meaningless. So I have nothing (except for self injury and numbness, when I'm lucky).

@Ladyghosthunter I did reach out for help. I researched this therapy and felt really good about it (all notes above). So no, this just tips off my shitty feelings about the world. I don't have any good feelings about care or connection or love or support. It's just me fighting for myself. It's painful, but more tolerable than trusting others.

@Solara I did have to go out to do just a couple errands today. Played normal. Didn't really have to talk to anyone beyond, "Yes" and "No, thanks." But I tried to just focus on being friendly and pretty self. Best I can do. I know it's meaningless, but so is therapy.

Keeping a knife in my pocket, giving myself blood blisters to tolerate my feelings today....like sort of shoving them back into little pockets inside my body. So I am trying not to crumble, I'll give myself that...

I feel like I've been doing the best I can for a long time and am really doing the best I can right now but it's scary that it's not enough and that I also can't ask anyone for help. I have to blot this out...not as numb as yesterday but trying to get back there. Will be easier when I stop talking but thanks for letting me share my truth here a bit so I can still feel like I'm real. But I don't think I can write much more here because I'm breaking apart. I have to forget everything related to trauma and stuff.

 

[Chava]

nevermind, I'm just all over my f*cking head.... over-dosing a bit on nicotine which helps for today. My therapist might not be trying to get rid of me but I'm really messed up over internal vs external realities lately (like if I get to be real, things and people outside of me are not...and if they are real, I am not real). Helps me at least understand the nature of my bubble a little bit, for whatever it's worth.

 

[theotherside]

@Chava sorry you are going through this. Sounds somewhat familiar. There is really no one i trust either. I am so tired of everything. Hope things get better for us both..

 

[Hope4Now]

@Chava, I'm glad you're hanging in there and being with all this messy mess. I'm thinking of you. I wish we could just wish it all away. Be gentle with you. Eventually, I have to believe, this real/unreal thing will work out for us if we can be patient and kind to ourselves and let our systems sort things out...stop fighting it so much...just be with it all. The pain, the unreality, the memories, all of it. Bubble or no bubble, we're still here...life is this painful precious gift we have. Sending you healing energy through the web-waves.

 

[Chava]

Thank you very much @Hope4Now ...yes, MESSY. :eek::depressed::wtf::arghh;:nailbiting::dead: Thanks for healing web waves. I'm trying to fix my printer so I can print off some self compassion things....print-outs. It cant come from my head, but if I can print it out from someone else, and imagine it coming from a friendly nurse or OT, this is what I need to do along with eat breakfast. Loving-kindness meditation stuff. Using my imagination. Telling myself I deserve to feel safe and at peace....wishing just a few things for myself.....working more kindly on my own reality. Can worry about whether or not my therapist is real later...

Thanks @theotherside ...really hoping things get better for you too.

Link Removed

 

[Hope4Now]

yes, MESSY. :eek::depressed::wtf::arghh;:nailbiting::dead:

:) an impressive expression of messy in emoticon language! I love it!

imagine it coming from a friendly nurse or OT, this is what I need to do along with eat breakfast.

Yes! This is what I have to do too.

 

[Escape Goat]

Chava,

I'd like for you to have a look at my posts if you haven't done so already. Let me know if I have echoes to your puzzle, okay? Good luck and God bless.

 

[Chava]

@Escape Goat thanks...I read some stuff about your mom (mine was a bit of a terrorist at times, probably dissociative too...broke a door and a chair over my back when she was really flipping out, just as examples, so no useful connection there which I know relates to many of my self-other complications and huge challenges trusting others, especially when stressed). I do not have Aspergers but have worked with some people who do so know a bit about it. Do you have derealization stuff?

@Hope4Now glad you like my faces. Don't feel good about things like meditation today (too much). But went for a little walk and am able to notice regular things around my house (as being familiar, present, and all my shit) and clean up some stuff. No people today. Don't trust anyone, but feel a little less like I've been punched in the head. Had lots of horrid feelings yesterday. Quit therapy and then I think I didn't quit. I don't even understand where I'm at.

 

[Hope4Now]

I don't even understand where I'm at.

My therapist would say wisely and calmly, "Just notice that. Don't try to understand it or change it. Just notice it."
When I get locked up in the tortured tangles of what's real, what's not, why I'm like this, what I can or should do to change it...I try to remember his words. Sometimes it dials down the intensity for me. Maybe it will for you too. Moment to moment today, dear Chava.

 

[Chava]

So I didn't quit therapy. Insurance will continue to help and my therapist is very patient with my meltdowns.

Sometimes it gets really challenging to know the difference between flashback or freeze and just painful parts of the process of healing, because they blur together in some ways. Example in this case: my sense of self, or being "real" to myself is really fragile. So I'm isolating a lot...in some ways its protecting the confusing work of keeping real to myself and internalizing stuff differently. But it's easy for stress to push me beyond some edge where I actually feel stuck or trapped and the outer world and others feel unreal. I think some of the freeze and shaking I experience in therapy has to do with being at scary junctures where either I will become unreal or my therapist will and I'm trying to hold reality together. This sounds messed up but it actually feels pretty good to articulate it. Thanks for reading, or letting me at least write a bit.