Sexual Assault Hidden Badge Of Shame

[SurvivingWarrior]

I was just thinking..

It really hurts me at times to look into my mothers eyes and feel like a liar because I can't bring myself to tell her that I've been diagnosed with PTSD, let alone that I was raped at 18.

I have this secret that I'm too afraid to disclose to the ones I love. It's too much for me to be vulnerable with others because of the assault. It's been nearly three years but it's still festering...

I had to pay $30 after I was raped to get the Plan B pill at the health department.

I really don't know where this thread will lead but if you feel like you're wearing a hidden badge of shame, you're not alone.

 

[shrinkingviolet]

I used to wear that badge. It became very tattered and worn. I had family and friends who didn't understan, who blamed me but I also had friends and family that stood by me. Their encouragement and compassion helped me to see myself again, not broken, shameful and destroyed but stronger, braver and determined to take my life back. It took years and it wasn't the same, I will never be the same but I now know I have nothing to be ashamed about. I am sorry for your pain but know you are not to blame and have no reason to feel ashamed. You survived and that is the beginning, not the end.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

Me too...and I couldn't tell my family because...being the narcissists they are, they didn't care. I was invisible. My pain was invisible. Everything about me was invisible until I spoke up and even then, I was labeled a drama queen. You get help for what you're going through and you get to see a counselor on this immediately. Forget family right now; concentrate on YOU!!!

 

[SurvivingWarrior]

@shrinkingviolet I'm glad that you have been able to heal. I made the glaring mistake of brushing the assault off and pretending it didn't happen. Now years later it finally came to a head and I've gotta deal with it.

I know things will get better, it's just getting there.

 

[SurvivingWarrior]

@Ladyghosthunter I am currently in therapy, so hopefully I will start seeing progress.

I can relate to living with a narcissist. Apart from the rape my dad is verbally and emotionally abusive.

I hope that you have began to heal. <3

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

Warrior, I'm under and over it (as I quote the song title) and decided that my family had to GO GO GO GO GO! I'm fine now. LOVE YOU and I'm here for you!!!

 

[shrinkingviolet]

Glad to hear you are dealing with it @SurvivingWarrior . It is never too late and I often go back and forth in therapy because of triggers that bring all of it flooding back. Don't know if you're a Tom Petty fan but his song "Won't back down" is kind of my mantra. ;)

 

[SurvivingWarrior]

@Ladyghosthunter I am here for you too! Much love!

@shrinkingviolet It is a process. At times I seem to take one step forward and two steps back but I will press on because I'm young and I have a lot to offer. I won't let my rapist or my abuser dictate my future.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Silence allows the shame to win.

 

[WildMermaid]

@Solara those words were razor sharp and perfectly on point.

 

[WildMermaid]

I agree 100% with everyone above. I too wore/wear?-depends on the day- a badge of shame for many years though, and most of my family still does not understand "what went wrong" lol. They know I was abused but not the the level or the grief. I broke down oh about...15? years ago when my mom was visiting -but away at a Blue's Festival , and I was very sick. Everything came flooding back and I was floored (actually) I could not get up from the bathroom floor and scooted into a corner screaming. Intense times, and sorry to be graphic. After she had gone home I finally found the courage to tell her over the phone. She knew I had been abused -Hell, she had as well- but she did not know about the childhood rape, at least she did not know for certain. We both cried a good deal and she helped me pull myself together enough to find some therapists. My mother was one of my abusers (verbally, emotionally, and physically) and we never came to terms with each other entirely. I grew to love her very much still... she's been ashes in the ocean for two years next month I miss her though and honor the fact that she did try to help me after the fact.
If you are close to her at all your mom probably already suspects PTSD.

 

[shimmerz]

Forget family right now; concentrate on YOU!!!

Yes. This.