Back To Making Decisions

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I feel like I've fallen back in any progress that I have been making. I am trying once again to figure out if I should continue to try to keep working or to take time off.

My mother-in-law's death has brought my number one fear (death) back to being in all of my thoughts. My fear of death only partially has to do with the great wonderings of whether there is any kind of after life or not. Mostly it has to do with wasting away the time I do have here among the living.

I feel like I miss out on living life because of being triggered so much or exhausted from dealing with so much. Yesterday when I came home from teaching, I fell asleep and couldn't be woken up. I slept until it was pretty much time for bed at which point I needed to plan lessons for the next day. I finally got to bed only to be woken up by my six year old who had wet the bed (third night in a row). That set me off and I spent the next 4 hours between rage and crying. I tried to use all my skills, but every time I thought I was calmer, I'd just get angry again. I even tried calling a crisis line.

Today I took the day off (progress on my part because I have had huge issues in feeling wrong for taking a day off), but I know I wouldn't be in any shape to teach today. I went and talked with my therapist. She talked a lot about taking a year or so off from teaching. It was kind of tempting to think about. Logistically I don't know if it's possible.

The trouble I am having with the decision making process is that I don't know what the best (tempted to say right) choice is- to work or not. I get my therapist's point that if I have less stress from working, I will have more time for healing and resting. But I have worked really hard to become a teacher and it is where I feel the most "sane". The problem is I put so much energy into that that I end up missing out on family time or doing things I want to do because between the PTSD and teaching, I am spent.

My husband and I talked today and we'll talk together with my therapist tomorrow. I am afraid that if I stop teaching, I won't make it back to teaching and I love that part of my life. I am also afraid if I stop teaching, I will have more time to fall further down into the darkness of PTSD. I am afraid if I don't take the time of, then I won't ever have enough energy to focus on healing and my family. Anyone have any words of wisdom? I'll take any thoughts I can get. I know in the end I have to make the decision that is best for me, I just don't know how to figure that out.

 

[scout86]

The problem is I put so much energy into that that I end up missing out on family time or doing things I want to do because between the Link Removed and teaching, I am spent.

Your kids only get one childhood and you only get one chance to parent them. Not saying that HAS to be your first priority, just mentioning it because it seems to be a fact.

I am afraid that if I stop teaching, I won't make it back to teaching

What would stop you from going back to teaching? People take sabbaticals for a lot of reason, right? It seems like if you spent some time working on your other challenges you could come back to teaching and do an even better job and it would be even more satisfying. Now sometimes time away from something MIGHT give a person reason to decide it wasn't what they really wanted to begin with. But then I think that happens because they've found a better choice. That's not a bad thing.

Can you afford to take a year off? I suppose that's a consideration too. I think it's a good idea to at least consider the idea and what your therapist has to say. She's experienced and knows you. Sometimes if you spread yourself too thin you can't really do justice to anything and maybe that's where you're at. I DO think your family and your healing is the most important. I think you'll be a better teacher when you get that managed. Good luck!

 

[KwanYingirl]

I mostly did not work until my kids were in school and even then it was part time. I knew I couldn't handle a full time job and two kids. Getting woken up in the middle of the night and then not able to get back to sleep. I was exhausted and symptomatic landing in an ER twice with panic attacks. And I was living in a bottle of wine. We lived without running water in the middle of nowhere. There were no child care centers back then.

In spite of my anxiety my children were a delight, forcing myself to learn how to be nurturing. Frankly, I've no idea how families juggle two jobs and raising children. I'm tired just imagining it.

Don't worry that you'd forget how to teach if you take time off. Everything comes back, so don't worry about that. Plus you love the profession. Is there any possibility that you could teach part time or job share? Perhaps you could be a tutor (I used to pay $50 an hour for my sons tutor). Many youngsters need one on one teaching. You wouldn't be so exhausted.

As for the rage and crying, I'd say you're at the end of your rope. Think about it. You had to tend to your son in the middle of the night and WTF why did he wet the bed?(change of season? Too much fluid intake after 4:00pm? Too cold?) anyway, my point being that if you knew you didn't have to get up and be on point at school, you wouldn't have been so frustrated.

You could hook up with educational advocates to help kids on IEPs. You could still follow the school calendar and take off for vacation weeks and the summer. Then when the kids are more independent and you aren't so triggered by all the freaking stress of being a teacher, you could go back to it.

Something's gotta give. Don't let it be your sanity!

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @JEKBreatheandBelieve , is there an option such as part-time or substitute teaching? It is also a wonderful opportunity to be able to be with your children when they are pre-school. What does your heart of hearts say?

FWIW, it may be harder to go back, but perhaps quite the opposite & ideal? :)

I understand about losing family, & wanting more time/ opportunities, but in my case I did not pursue a field which would have paid much better, I probably could have helped them more that way. And then they passed away anyway. :( We cannot predict everything.

I do know however, people (including your children) may not remember all of what you did but they will always remember how you made them feel. :) Lots of love. :tup: :) :inlove:

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

WTF why did he wet the bed?

My son goes through periods of bed wetting and my suspicions are it's because his ears are bothering him (I don't know the connection, but the two events often coincide) and he just lost his grandmother so that could be it, too (emotional changes).

 

[littlelostchild]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve i just went back to being a school principal after being off for 18 months. I thought I would never be able to go back when I began down the path toward recovery, yet here I am back at work.

I tell you this because it can happen. You could take the time and go back or you could find a new path. Either way, your children are with you such a short time - mine are grown and starting their own families. Being able to be present with them is precious and something you only get once when they are little.

 

[Hope4Now]

Anyone have any words of wisdom? I'll take any thoughts I can get. I know in the end I have to make the decision that is best for me, I just don't know how to figure that out.

If you can keep your mind open to the possibilities, you will make the right decision for you, no matter how scary it seems.

As of today, I have left my job for a one-year leave. Even before knowing if I will even qualify for long-term disability. The decision was a long time coming, and driven mostly by physical exhaustion and an increasingly difficult time getting myself to work and getting my work done at this point. I've tried like heck for a year and a half to keep myself normal/functional as a professional and a parent. I just can't do it anymore. I think this PTSD wipeout is pretty common from what my therapist says. You can choose to take time now, or you can wait until physical or mental collapse forces the issue. I have gotten to the point where I know I will either die, or get very ill, or hurt myself if I don't find some more time and space in my life for healing.

As for fearing you will not go back? That's a common fear. Perhaps you will, perhaps you will find your passion lies elsewhere. What is most important now is taking care of yourself and getting stable.

I hope you get lots of support in your life as you make this decision!

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. My husband and my therapist and I all talked- separately and together. The day after I posted this I went into school and my body was full of aches from memories. I cried before the students arrived. They arrived and I felt immediately calmer. When they had library time, I did lesson plans and felt purpose and meaning and calm. The day went well (other than the aches and pains).

Financially, we couldn't have me take the time off just yet, but we're looking into those options. In the meantime we came up with a plan.
I continue to try to make it through the rest of the school year, but I give myself permission for "PTSD days" off. Along with that we're taking steps to make life at home easier. If I am feeling like I need to be in bed, the family comes to me for some time together (like stories before bed).

My therapist and I have started investigating the possibility of an in-patient program that I can do during the summer.

After that program (if it can work), I decide whether to try going back to school or take time off. By then, we should be able to have resources for my taking the year off if we decide that's the best idea.

I hear everyone's comments about my children only being young once and I have to take of myself. I am listening. I am taking those steps towards that. Just thought I would update everyone on what I've been thinking about and what plans are getting set into place. I really appreciate your feedback.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

If you can keep your mind open to the possibilities, you will make the right decision for you, no matter how scary it seems.

This is how I felt this fall when I took 2 months off to do an intensive out-patient program. It was hard to keep my mind open, but I know I made the right decision then. Hopefully, I am now, too.